Thread: Opening lines

I finished a complete manuscript for my story "Crushed Heart". A volunteer proofreader said that the first chapter wasn't a very good hook. I hadn't sent him the entire manuscript because I was only worried about the opening chapter. As soon as I got that response, I knew what he meant instantly.

The hook for the book was actually in the second chapter. So, to correct this, I've dropped not only the entire first chapter, but also what originally opened the second chapter. The project will start with my protagonist stumbling upon a man dying in an alley. The problem I have is the opening line(s).

Here's what I have currently...

My head hurt, but I had to see what was happening. At the other end of the alley, a man stood against a wall. I couldn't see him very well, but I could see his aura. My headache, which started earlier in the evening, got worse. At the same time, my eyes adjusted to the dim light as if someone had turned on overhead lights, and I could see the length of the alley clearly.


I'm not exactly sure what to ask. I don't want anyone to do the work for me, but I feel stuck with this. Maybe if someone asked questions regarding this opening, I could make some headway with it. Basically, it feels bland, almost 1 dimensional.

Give me an idea of what your story is about. I can't really suggest an opening without knowing what genre you're writing in, or what the story entails.

Not sure how much you want to know, but here are the highlights...

One liner: A college student uses his powers to help solve a series of mysterious deaths.

Ral Sutton has only been on campus a few days, and late one night after a party, he stumbles across a man in an alley and watches him die. After telling the police about all the mundane details of what he saw and did, Ral learns that the man's death is only the latest in a string of deaths all over the city (set in Arlington, Texas). Rachel, a friend Ral met at the party, tells Ral a secret of her own and gains his trust. She introduces him to Don Shepherd, who runs a sanctuary (House Aquilae) for those who have special abilities, called Powerborne. Things become more complicated when Ral stops a gunman at the mall and is caught on video, which is subsequently posted on YouTube and linked to online news reports of the incident. This draws the attention of the media and another sanctuary (House Vikkor) were Ral meets Jacquelyn LaSalle, the head of House and having the same aura as what he saw in the alley after the man fell dead. What are Jacquelyn's powers? How can Ral help the police, much less convince them that he can help? And how can anyone stop Jacquelyn?

So, the above start is when he witnesses the man getting killed in the alley?

yup

oh, and the headache is from his powers. The more he uses them, the worse it gets. On top of that, his powers come to him so naturally, he doesn't even realize he's using them most of the time. The only relief he gets is when he rests. If he pushes to hard, he could pass out.

If they are opening lines my immediate reaction is "What alley? No-one told me about an alley" Maybe something like:-

"I was passing a nondescript, cobbled alley, lined with garbage cans, when something out of the ordinary caught my attention. My head hurt ..."

Then tell us was he facing the wall or back to the wall? What sort of a wall? Brick, block, was there a fire escape above him? I find When I write something like this there is such a clear picture in my own head that sometimes I do not bothered to spell it out for the reader, but how else will they know my vision? And it is this sort of thing that gives the writing that lacking dimension I think.

I would suggest to start the story, as your friend said, with a hook. I don't write in first-person, so this may come across as stilted, but if this was my story I might start it like so:

When I turned the corner, the first thing I noticed was the blood. Not the man standing against the wall, clutching his chest, but the crimson pool around his feet. Even though he was dying, I could still see his aura and it made my head pound. At once, my eyes adjusted to the dimly lit alley as though someone had turned on invisible floodlights. The scene became clearer, allowing me to see the knife protruding from his neck.

That may not work with what you're trying to convey, but hopefully it helps.

Try to set the mood of the scene if you can. It needs strength, perhaps through brief but original adjectives and adverbs regarding light, weather, odour, the tidiness or otherwise of the alley.
Also, does the hero know already that what he sees is an aura, or should it just be described at this stage?

For what it's worth, this is my first critique, so it may be worthless!

Good point Olly, and I think that may be what was missing. I jumped right to the action but didn't give any build up. Here's the complication... The original manuscript had an entire chapter and a half prior to what I've depicted here. A proofreader I had sent the original first chapter to (because I wasn't convinced it was a good opening to the story) said it was missing the hook for the entire thing. I knew instantly he was right, because the man's death is that hook (and was originally in chapter two)!

Okay... now that I have someone to bounce the idea off of, even if it's virtual... a quick summary of what happened in that chapter and a half...

Ral (the protagonist, rhymes with pal) was at a party with friends, met a nice girl, and had to leave when his ride decided to (because Ral doesn't have a car). Ral is dropped off to walk the last block to his dorm while his friend takes his date home. Just as he's about to cross the street, Ral's attention is brought around to the alley, and to the man in it.

My night started off like a roller coaster, and the headache I got from it could have passed for the feeling of nausea at the end of that ride. Looking up at my dorm across the street, ready for a good nights sleep and to be rid of the headache, I felt something, or someone, behind me. The time of night demanded most people to be in bed sleeping, or in some cases, in bed doing something else, but the feeling was too strong to ignore.

I looked behind me. No one stood there, waiting to say, "Boo!", but I noticed movement in the alley.

The college campus had buildings taller that any back home. Of course, growing up in a small town didn't require any tall buildings. Or not many, anyway. The Texas Hall and Pachl offices made a distinct alley that led to a parking lot. It wasn't lit. There weren't any accouterments like trash cans or fire escapes. It was even wide enough to drive a car along.

At the other end of the alley, someone stood in the shadows. I couldn't see them very well, but I could see their aura. My headache throbbed stronger while I tried to focus on the details. Closing my eyes with the pain, I attempted to will the headache gone. It didn't work. It never did.

When I looked down the alley again, I could see the length of it clearly as if someone had turned on overhead lights.

I know it's a lot more than the original opening, but it answers a lot of the basic scenery questions, and even gives a touch of build up to why Ral is where he is, when he is. Thank you for the inspiration.

Originally Posted by Sam W

I would suggest to start the story, as your friend said, with a hook. I don't write in first-person, so this may come across as stilted, but if this was my story I might start it like so:

When I turned the corner, the first thing I noticed was the blood. Not the man standing against the wall, clutching his chest, but the crimson pool around his feet. Even though he was dying, I could still see his aura and it made my head pound. At once, my eyes adjusted to the dimly lit alley as though someone had turned on invisible floodlights. The scene became clearer, allowing me to see the knife protruding from his neck.

That may not work with what you're trying to convey, but hopefully it helps.

excellent!

Only one problem... and I didn't mention it in my description of what the book is about...

The man who died in the alley, didn't die of any conventional means. Your description was fantastic, if that had been what happened. The thing was, until the autopsy is complete, no one could say what killed him. There were no marks or damage external to him, except a broken nose when he fell to the ground. No blood. Not even any needle marks. Don't wanna give it away, but the hint is in the title of the book.

In this case, Ral has witnessed something the police simply wouldn't have noticed if they had been there. Ral saw the aura of the killer. To him, it's as identifying as a finger print is for a forensics tech. However, the complication is that no one else knows Ral can see auras. Not yet anyway. And trying to convince the police of that would only earn him the same looks any cop would offer anyone claiming to be psychic.

So, Ral sees the man in convulsions. The man falls and Ral sees a small portion of what should be someone's aura. Later in the book, he meets the person who that aura belongs too. Further complications make it pretty much impossible for the police to bring in the suspect, much less make an actual arrest without Ral's help. BUT, I was really mostly worried about how everything starts.

Originally Posted by Ifmyante

Also, does the hero know already that what he sees is an aura, or should it just be described at this stage?

For what it's worth, this is my first critique, so it may be worthless!

Actually, Ifmyante, your question about Ral seeing the man's aura is a good one. It's one of those details I've struggled with. There is already a scene written later where Ral describes what he sees to the girl he met at the party just before the alley scene (Rachel). She had her own secret to share as well, gaining his trust. So, the question really becomes, should Ral tell the reader about what he sees and how he came to the conclusion that it is a person's aura, and then tell another character again later, or what?

First paragraphs are important, if they like it they will probably read the first page, if that's okay they will go on into the book. I read through the first couple of pages almost every time I start work if there is not an idea burning to be put down. I am sure you can work on it but I am going to suggest a couple of things

My night was a roller coaster, and the headache I got from it could have passed for the feeling of nausea at the end of that ride. Looking up at my dorm across the street, ready for a good nights sleep and to be rid of the headache, I felt something, or someone, behind me. The time of night demanded most people to be in bed sleeping, or doing something else, but the feeling was too strong to ignore.

"Was" is so much stronger and more direct than "started off like".

Same sort of reasoning goes for the qualification and repetition of "in bed".

Glad I triggered something.

Originally Posted by RHSexton

should Ral tell the reader about what he sees and how he came to the conclusion that it is a person's aura, and then tell another character again later, or what?

For what it's worth, I'd use the sense of wonder at such an unusual phenomenon in this scene, maybe not even realise or believe exactly what I'd seen. It could be just a figment of my imagination. Could you ask Rachel later what she thinks of what you saw?

Originally Posted by Ifmyante

For what it's worth, I'd use the sense of wonder at such an unusual phenomenon in this scene, maybe not even realise or believe exactly what I'd seen. It could be just a figment of my imagination. Could you ask Rachel later what she thinks of what you saw?

A bit of background that comes out in a later chapter...

Ral has been seeing auras since he was twelve. He collapsed at school one day with a headache, spent the next two weeks in a hospital incapacitated, and when he recovered he was seeing clouds of color around everyone. He's never told anyone about it, not wanting anyone to think he was crazy, and researched various possibilities on his own. The best conclusion he could come up with was he was seeing auras, even though all the books and websites he found didn't describe them exactly as he saw them.

So, in the beginning of the book, Ral has grown accustomed to what he sees, and - to a lesser degree - the headaches that accompany them.

To try to reword my question... I've already changed the first chapter in that Ral gives a quick general description of what auras look like. In a few chapters, Ral describes them to Rachel too. The question is, should I just describe auras again in their dialog naturally or use a blurb like I described what I saw.?

Well, if seeing the aura is no surprise to you in this scene, perhaps a description isn't necessary. It is, however, different from usual, as the man is dying. So my advice would be to emphasise straight away what you find odd about it.