Thread: Need some quick advice

When I have multiple people in a scene and I use the words "he" or "him" it gets really confusing. I will just come up with an example real quick:

Ronald noticed a stocky man of about 30, dressed in a jersey and sweatpants sitting at the far back of the diner next to the window. He wasn't sure if that was the guy he was looking for, but he was the only one here alone. As he approached the table the man looked at his phone, then looked back at Ronald, then gave him a slight head nod. He must have had his picture on his phone.

See how the "he" and "him's" seem confusing? But I cant continue using Ronald or "the guy in the jersey" over and over.... so how should it be written?

I don't want to change your words, and in fact you shouldn't have to change your words. It's your reader's responsibility to keep track of the action and who is speaking, but of course it's YOUR responsibility to write narrative that is distinctive, well-written, and unambiguous in its important points.

In the paragraph above, unless you are deliberately trying to confuse, it's obvious who is meant by "he" in each case, as the paragraph is fairly well-written. However, there are ways around the dilemma, if you wish to make your action more clear:

He saw a man in the atrium, standing in a group of other men, wearing a red sweatsuit. He figured that was his mark, but he wanted to make sure.

As he made his way down to the crowded atrium, a waiter intervened. "Drink, sir?" he asked in a chilly professional tone.

"No thanks," he replied, and continued down the main staircase into the atrium.

A reporter he knew, whose name he could not remember, appeared suddenly, asking questions. "I wasn't there at the time," he answered absently. "Please call my secretary."

Now the man in the red sweatsuit was disappearing into an alcove by the potted palm. He had to get down there before his mark disappeared!

It's not that you should copy the crappy bit of action that I am putting out here--I sincerely hope that you won't--but there are ways around the conundrum you're having. Those ways involve good cohesive writing.

I hope this was helpful.

I've made a few changes in bold, with just a few seconds thought, not sure how good they are, really. If it was my own piece I would fuss over it and make them better, or fundamentally change it, or bin it.

Originally Posted by xminnis

Ronald noticed a stocky man of about 30, dressed in a jersey and sweatpants sitting at the far back of the diner next to the window. Was this the man he was looking for? Like Ronald , he seemed to be on his own. It must be him, surely. Ronald had to find out. He got up and approached the stranger's table, hoping to appear confident. The man looked at his phone quickly, as if checking something, then looked back at Ronald, who saw him smile and give a slight head nod. The stranger must have had Ron's picture on his phone.

I don't see too much of a problem, as long as you can give the reader confidence that you're with Ronalds's POV. You'll notice I've used Ronald's name more than you'd perhaps like. But if needs must...

What Scarlett is saying makes sense to me, sometimes I play around with something for ages trying to make it read clearly, usually the answer, when it comes, is some sort of restructuring, So the impossible sentence that won't hold all the information becomes three separate sentences for example. It is often a case of take a step back and get some perspective to let new light in and see the solution.

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

What Scarlett is saying makes sense to me, sometimes I play around with something for ages trying to make it read clearly, usually the answer, when it comes, is some sort of restructuring, So the impossible sentence that won't hold all the information becomes three separate sentences for example. It is often a case of take a step back and get some perspective to let new light in and see the solution.

...couldn't have put it better myself - as you'll see with my previous reply.