Thread: What is wrong with my query letter?

I'm looking for some serious advice, be as critical as necessary. I have written a good book, I know it, but I am having no luck with my querying. I am new to the process, so any tips given to help me improve on the following letter would be greatly appreciated.

___________

To (agent),

I am seeking representation for my science-fiction novel, “New Gods: Ex Stasis,” which has already been completed and stands at 129,277 words. Two years of work have gone into the novel, a modern spin on the Greco-Roman deities inspired in part by the war of the gods in “The Iliad.”

In “New Gods,” the ancient Zeus has ruled the planet using false human identities and human proxies for thousands of years, with the help of his creations Neptune and Pluto. The other gods he imprisoned into hypostasis after a rebellion, leaving only the god of love Eros to wander the earth, one of Zeus’ playthings, allowed to live only for the sake of being tortured.

In 1965 Eros frees his brethren at Zeus’ approval, killing them as the only means of release from their stasis. Their deaths allow their souls to be reborn into human bodies. The King of the Gods plans on brainwashing the reborn gods, manipulating them and using them for his own purposes once more. Eros intends to meet them first, using them against him in order to bring his reign on the planet to a final end.

“New Gods” is inspired by many things - obviously the Greco-Roman gods, but also by superheroes, science fiction and conspiracy theories. This book is highly marketable, there is something in it that appeals to everyone. There are multi-racial and gay characters. There are characters to appeal to every demographic. It’s highly intellectual but also entertaining, there is as much action as novelty and explanation.

I think “New Gods” has universal themes which have echoed throughout the ages - many of the fates of the characters are heavily intertwined with the fates of their mythological counterparts, and their personalities are also crafted to resemble them as well. The novel is also heavily inspired by Kabbalistic ideas and would appeal in particular to the “new age” minded.

I am the author of three unpublished novels, all of which I have been working on for years and finished within the last few months. I am having a short story published in the November 2010 issue of “Collective Fallout,” a piece entitled “Bulletproof Faces” - also science fiction. I have also written various other short stories and three screenplays.

I hope to have further correspondence with you and greatly appreciate your taking the time to read this letter. I look forward to your response!

Sincerely,
Michael C. Thompson

I'd check out Query Shark: Query Shark

Also "Query Letter Hell" at the Absolute Write forums.

Maybe you know about those already, but if you don't, I think they'd help a lot.

I'm not an expert on query letters by any means, but you make a couple of faux pas that are noticeable even to me. Like talking about how much time you've put into the novel (irrelevant), your previous unpublished novels (also irrelevant). You also spend a lot of time telling us about your book rather than showing us ("The book is highly marketable", "It's highly intellectual but also entertaining", stuff like that). Your query letter is supposed to entice the agent to read your pages. That's it, really. Telling us the book is marketable doesn't really do that. That's the agent's judgment to make. What you need to show them is that your story is compelling. Hook them so that they'll want to read pages.

Originally Posted by michaelcthompson

...leaving only the god of love Eros to wander the earth...

I would think that a query letter has to be without any writing errors, yet there should be a comma before and after "Eros" in the above sentence.

I'm not an expert on query letters. I just looked in on the thread because I was curious about the topic.

Not necessarily so. The pause of breath between "the god of love" and "to wander" is so slight that you can omit the commas.

Thanks for your advice, mwd. I guess I read some bad query letter examples or something, many of the websites I visited told me to explain how I could sell my book and to give a slight description of myself and my background. I will take your advice into account when crafting the next query letter I send out.

I don't think my sentence is technically structured incorrectly. The comma is not necessary, as a previous poster pointed out. But thank you for your advice!

It is an appositive and needs two commas to separate it from the rest of the sentence.

Not necessarily. See Fowler, 3rd ed., p. 63. I would only use commas in that sentence if it were part of a broadcast script and I wanted distinct pauses by the presenter.

In answer to the question, if I were an agent or editor I probably would get less than halfway through that letter before discarding it. I know fiction is different, but all the query letters I've ever used have been very brief, very tightly written, and have contained a sample of the article I'm pitching along with a skeletal outline.

How long you took to write it will be of considerable significance to you, I can't see it being significant to an agent.

Originally Posted by garza

I would only use commas in that sentence if it were part of a broadcast script and I wanted distinct pauses by the presenter.

The are two noun phrases meaning the same thing. That's an appositive. But I have a tendency to abuse commas, anyway.

Originally Posted by garza

In answer to the question, if I were an agent or editor I probably would get less than halfway through that letter before discarding it. I know fiction is different, but all the query letters I've ever used have been very brief, very tightly written, and have contained a sample of the article I'm pitching along with a skeletal outline.

Most agents and publishers tell you exactly what they want - an outline, a synopsis, the first 100 pages, etc., plus a query letter. Like Garza said, most are more tightly written and interesting. My experience is in business where most effective letters are four paragraphs long and fit on one page.

I don't know where you people are seeing these agents at, every agency website I've ever been to with maybe a few exceptions doesn't want to see any material, any synopses or outlines at all - they want a 500 word query letter and nothing else before asking for more. I suppose I can shorten it up, cutting out irrelevant information, maybe making it about 200 or 300 words. But I can't just email parts of the story unless it's requested, and most people don't request it until you've piqued their interest - at least in my experience (which is, granted, not much).

Okay. I opened Writer's Market, turned to the agent section and picked an agent at random. It says, "...send first three chapters, brief synopsis, SASE..."

I get the agency info from here: Literary Agents - find contact track

I find the agent name, then Google the agency and make sure to follow very specific submission guidelines when I query agents. As I said, in my experience, most of them request that you do NOT send them any material until they have told you specifically that they are interested in seeing it. Just saying. As I said, there are exceptions, but the majority seem to follow this rule.

The agent below the one I mentioned (I still have the book open)...

"Query with a SASE, submit outline, three sample chapters..."

The one below that: "...obtains most new clients through recommendations..." (that's no good).

The one below that: "Query with SASE, submit outline/proposal, 3 sample chapters..."

The one below that: ...submit proposal package, outline..."

That's four out of five (80%) that want something besides a query letter.

michael - I looked at that site. It looks a bit shady. Follow Auskar's lead. Go to the library and look at a copy of 'Writers' Markets'. There you will get dependable information.