Thread: Warning - Question About Sexual Attraction!!

“I felt a stirring in my loins”

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So, this old geezer sees a particular woman for the first time and is sexually aroused by the sight.

If it was you writing about that arousal, how would you express it in just a few words? There’s some context below, to make it easier.



In my story, I have the old geezer sitting on a park bench when a younger woman comes past, running slowly. Up until that moment, he’s been enjoying a quiet time in the sun and thinks everything is right with his world.

This is what I wrote:

“Ten days earlier I’d been relaxing on a bench in Dawson Park. It was not quite 9 a.m., a few small and fluffy clouds floated in an otherwise clear sky, and everything seemed right with my world. Then Emma came by, running lightly and easily on the perimeter track. She moved with a loping gait that produced an illusion of slow motion if you focussed on the person and ignored the background going past. Her short brown pigtails danced their own disconnected rhythm, and her hips rose and fell minutely and lazily, like the waves around Taronga Jetty. I didn’t know her name then, but I felt a stirring in my loins and suddenly there was something not quite right with my world.”


But I’ve been criticised over “stirring in my loins”. I Googled it and got more than 20,000 hits.

What do you say? Do you think it's okay? How would you express it?

The beating of my heart was matched only by the thumping in my pants?

Is that what passes for comedy in your part of the country? I bet you live in Collingwood.

It is a bit cliché, to say the least. "A disturbing sensation", "A disturbing Touch/flash/moment of lust"? Disturbing seems right, after all it disturbs his equanimity, depends how explicit you want to be what you add to it.

The lead up to that strongly suggests that your old geezer is attracted to her. You don't have to hit people over the head. How about something simple:

I didn’t know her name then, but I knew I wanted her.

(OK -- now comes the part where you tell me that won't work because I've somehow misunderstood your OP.)

No, Joe, sorry to disappoint you but that's the best alternate suggestion so far. Thanks.

So far? Heh. Damed with faint praise.

But you're welcome, OX.

Here's an indirect approach:

I didn't know her name then, but suddenly the bench under me felt more alive, and something was not quite right with my world.

Maybe he's sitting over an ant hill. How about this:

I didn't know her name then, but suddenly, I imagined taking her then and there, right over the back of the park bench.

Now that's probably what the old geezer would really be thinking.

You could try the "pit of my stomach" approach. It's one I see pretty commonly, and it feels more modern/casual.

Mmmm. Well, now.

You could cut to the chase and tell us what you think the right answer is, Ox.

Ox's answer is more likely to cut to the quick.

Originally Posted by Foxee

You could cut to the chase and tell us what you think the right answer is, Ox.

You think it's a trick, don't you? No trick, it's a dead serious question. I have an entire story pretty well all mapped out, and there's a few little niggly bits. This is one of them. Ilasir touched on the problem.

Originally Posted by Baron

Ox's answer is more likely to cut to the quick.

Phooey.

You could say
"Ignorant yet, as I was, of her very name, nevertheless I felt my entire being was to be disturbed by this lustful desire I felt, and foreboding of what might yet be to come filled my very being."
or,
"I didn't know what she was called, but I fancied the pants off her"

According to "Whittacker and Almac" "Short story sentences; their grammar and construction" these are the only two forms acceptable within the genre that you are writing in; now if you were to include a cross sexual political element ...