Thread: Intro to a popular science article..

This is pretty minor. I'm wondering if this is a decent introductory few sentences for a pop-sci article on the evolution of the Cat family -

EDIT: The Miocene is a geological period - not that that's particularly important.

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An ancient forest. Enter Proailurus. Lithe and long-backed, she flits ghost-like through the leaf-shrouded Miocene canopy. Boughs sway with each muffled footfall. Her shilloutte blots out branch-framed dapples of forest light like a cold wind snuffing out candle flames.
She is on the prowl.
Suddenly, frightened squawks and thumping wingbeats are heard as a group of birds scatter noisily from a high-flung knot of leaves and bark. Something savage has transpired in the treetops. Proailurus has made a kill. She descends to a lower, sturdier branch, an inert mass of feathers and flesh securely fastened in the snare of her jaws.
Proailurus is a cat. And recognisably so. She stalked the treed valleys and flatlands of Asia 20 million years before the first Leopards ever did. But, despite this yawning temporal chasm, their anatomies are astonishingly similar.
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I highlighted one of the sentences in red - I was wondering if I communicated the idea of a shadow blocking the filtered forest light correctly? Not sure how it could be phrased better.

Great job....but one question...is Proailurus in the tree from the beginning?

And yes, I think you communicated well with the shadow.

Thanks for commenting on this terrib.

"is Proailurus in the tree from the beginning?"

Well, that's how I imagine it. Something slinking about in the canopy from the perspective of, say, a camera fixed to the forest floor.

I think you need to make that clearer....she(that needs to be changed) flits(didn't like that word choice) ghost-like through the leaf-shrouded(leaf made me think on the ground)

Can you give me a description of what she looks like and I'll tell you what I mean by changing she...

branch-framed dapples of forest light like a cold wind snuffing out candle flames.

Too florid for a magazine article, I'd say. You dont see writing like that in Popular Science, do you?

"Can you give me a description of what she looks like and I'll tell you what I mean by changing she..." - terrib

Sure, here's what I found on Wikipedia:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...Proailurus.jpg

Is there something better I can substitute for "she"?


"Too florid for a magazine article, I'd say. You dont see writing like that in Popular Science, do you?" - lin

This is true, although I'm not angling to publish this in a magazine (I meant 'popular science' as a genre of writing) - it's an entry on a website I'm building on the Evolutionary history of life on Earth. Not sure what standards/conventions of writing would apply there. But yeah, I see that it is a little heavy with the descriptive flourishes.

Thanks a lot for the help thus far guys.

I cleaned it up a bit for you, Arvind...I hope this helps...

Lithe and long-backed, the mocha colored feline weaves ghostly through leaf-shrouded branches high above the Micocene canopy. With each padded step, her sleak shilloutte cuts through the forest light like a cold North wind licking at a candle.
Proailurus is on the prowl.
Suddenly, without warning, shirlls of death and wildly beating wings fill the night air. The hungry female has made a kill. She decends to a sturdier branch to fill her belly like her ancestors did, twenty million years ago. (then you can go into the Leopard thing, etc)

Um...nothing, neither man nor beast nor spirit, can weave ghostly. Try ghost-like.

He had ghost-like but I liked ghostly....should have known you'd challenge me on it, Michael....lol

I looked it up and see it is a adjective now...can you think of anything else besides ghost-like?

The adverb for ghost is ghostily. You can try that if you want. "Like a ghost" ain't that bad, either.

"ghostily" sucks. (ghost-like sucks and SWALLOWS)

BUT... a quick re-shuffle and:
The tawny feline weaves through leaf-shrouded branches high above the Micocene canopy,lithe and ghostly .

(mocha-backed also sucks)

Hey thanks a lot for taking the time to do those rephrasings, terrib and lin. I think I'm going to incorporate these suggestions into the text. Although, I wonder, would "spirits through leaf-shrouded.." be a viable substitute for "weaves through leaf-shrouded.... ghostly" or "weaves ghost-like through leaf-shrouded"?

EDIT: Actually, "spirits" may lack some of the specificity of motion that "weaves" carries.

Maybe I've come to this thread a bit late - sorry if I have.
I presume from the discussion that the article is a factual article but you're looking for some kind of visual draw-in for the reader?
I must admit, the section you posted would have made me click out by the end of the first paragraph. I can't take issue with your writing style, it just seemed a bit purple for a factual article. I'm not sure that readers looking for information are turned on by such colourful and visual descriptions.