Query Letter - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

JLHartfield · 07-30-2006, 10:29 AM

Last week I wrote a query letter for my finished novel, and I was wondering if someone might take a look at it for me. I'm a bit stuck as to how to make it better. I don't have it saved on this computer, so I can't post it now, but if anyone is interested, let me know and I can PM it to you later when I'm home.

Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

Mike C · 07-30-2006, 11:27 AM

Post it up here.

JLHartfield · 07-30-2006, 04:15 PM

Well, here is the query letter. I finally was able to get back home.
*****
Have you ever felt that jolting initial attraction to another person that knocks the wind out of you and leaves your head spinning? Jana Darren has.

Ice-Fire is the completed 76,000 word novel about love, friendship, the struggle to survive, and the ever-blurring line between right and wrong. Within its pages lies the story of Jana Darren, a twenty-two year old lieutenant in a world set a thousand years in the future, where the closest most people have come to “seeing the world” is through the thick glass windows of a space station. This is the world Jana was born into. Shy and a bit introverted, she falls head over heels for the man of her dreams…or is he? Aeronth makes it very clear that all he wants is to be left alone. The events that follow their meeting throw them into another, darker world—one of terrorism and rebellion, difficult choices and even stickier situations. And at the end of it all, Jana learns what it means to follow your heart.

The novel is centered on an unorthodox romance in a futuristic, military setting. It has elements of romance, drama, inner conflict, and adventure that come full circle. It has a great number of symbolic ties and plot twists. A follow-up book is in outline stage.

As a member of the Civil Air Patrol, the Air Force auxiliary, I am well accustomed to the workings of the military. I used this knowledge and advanced it to create the basis of my novel. I’ve been an avid reader for years, and know how to keep an audience interested. The characters and conflicts are all based in varying degrees on people and events in my own life. Much of the dialogue used between the two main characters is from actual conversations.

I sincerely thank you for your valuable time spent reading this letter. I have enclosed a SASE if you wish to reply. If you are interested, I would be happy to send an outline, sample chapters, or the entire manuscript for your viewing. Thank you again.

*****

I just wrote that to have something written to work off of, but I just plain don't like it. I'm trying to decide whether to scrap it and start over, or salvage what I can from it. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

Mike C · 07-30-2006, 05:44 PM

initial observations (bearing in mind I'm sleep-deprived):

Scrap the first para, replace it with an intro. Para 2 and 3 are ok, could probab,y do with a little more pep. Scrap para 4, which is largely meaningless. Use it to give some biographical info, and play up the CAP thing to make it more interesting/relevant.

Rewrite last paragraph to be less wimpy and more upbeat.

Then probably prevail on Maia to take a scalpel to it - she does this stuff far better than me.

JLHartfield · 07-30-2006, 06:35 PM

Thanks much.

Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

aspiring · 07-31-2006, 03:05 AM

I'm no good at critiquing queries but I would have thought that putting that 'Much of the dialogue used between the two main characters is from actual conversations' is a bit risky - I mean, the editor will want to know if you have permission from the people who had these conversations. There are laws about what you can write based on real life, but I don't know much about them. You may not have a problem, I just thought it worth mentioning.

(the first paragraph seems a bit convoluted to me. I like the second one though)

JLHartfield · 07-31-2006, 06:56 PM

Yeah. I just wrote that to fill space until I thought of something else. I was having trouble getting it done, so I just wrote anything to get me started. I'm working on a second draft, and I'll post it up here once it's done.

Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

*edit*

One other thing: I'm having a hard time really categorizing the novel. It's a drama, romance, sci-fi, action story. It's not 'hardcore' science fiction; it has more of a general basis in sci-fi. One of the reasons I wrote it that way is so it would appeal to teenage females. It's enough romance to keep their interest, and enough sci-fi so they will stay interested and get a taste for sci-fi, but not get bogged down by the technical aspects of everything. Any ideas?

JLHartfield · 07-31-2006, 10:00 PM

Round two... here it goes. I don't know if this one is any better.

****
A hundred years from now, sickness and war will leave our planet virtually lifeless. The few who manage to survive will flee to orbiting space stations, and for the next thousand years, the closest anyone will come to “seeing the world” is through the thick glass of their metal prisons. Does The Government have the right to force the people it rules to live like caged animals? Jana Darren was born into a world where the line between right and wrong is drawn in blood.

Finally, Jana gets her chance to prove herself to her superiors. But is she ready? When she meets Aeronth, he seems like the guy she’s been waiting for—but he makes it very clear that all he wants is to be left alone. When their team of five is sent to the home their people once knew, it is not what they expected, and it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong does. The two are captured and tortured by a mysterious organization they later come to know as The Reconstructionists, a group of rebels determined to see their children live and grow on solid ground. There seems to be no end to their influence, or to the lengths they will go to see their will be done…

The completed novel is 76,000 words and contains elements of drama, romance, science fiction, adventure, and comedy. I firmly believe that the Science Fiction genre is greatly lacking material that appeals to females from the age of sixteen and up. Most sci-fi novels have a testosterone driven male character and many focus more on the technology than the story itself. Females are turned off by these factors. There is a wide opening in the market for strong, female main characters in stories that focus more on plot development than the technical aspect. Science Fiction isn’t just for guy anymore.

As a member of the Civil Air Patrol—the Air Force auxiliary, I have a good understanding of the infrastructure and values of the military. As a training instructor, I teach cadets about self-discipline, teamwork, and respect, as well as help them to develop a sense of pride in themselves and what they do. These are all values and lessons I have forged into my writing in order to spread their significance.

*****
Is this one any better? I'm really at a loss here. I'm stuck.

Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

mammamaia · 08-02-2006, 07:04 PM

sorry to have to decline, despite mike's nice tout, jl... thing is, i don't help with anything that has any violent content... and yours clearly does... but i'll be happy to help you with other projects, if they're violence-free...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

JLHartfield · 08-02-2006, 09:14 PM

That's perfectly alright, Maia.

Mike C · 08-03-2006, 05:27 AM

From the horse's mouth... Folio Literary Management - one of the best agencies around - have advice and a sample query letter on their site.

http://www.foliolit.com/query.php

JLHartfield · 08-03-2006, 08:46 AM

Thank you!

Cady · 08-06-2006, 06:50 PM

Do you think you need to be published in smaller magazines before sending in a query for a novel?

Mike C · 08-07-2006, 02:04 AM

No. It may or may not help, depending on the magazine, but it's not a requirement.

Dawnstorm · 08-07-2006, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JLHartfield

I firmly believe that the Science Fiction genre is greatly lacking material that appeals to females from the age of sixteen and up. Most sci-fi novels have a testosterone driven male character and many focus more on the technology than the story itself. Females are turned off by these factors. There is a wide opening in the market for strong, female main characters in stories that focus more on plot development than the technical aspect. Science Fiction isn’t just for guy anymore.

That's risky. If you're wrong in assessing the sf market (which I strongly, very strongly suspect) the agent/publisher will know. Either research the current market better (so you don't have to believe things, you know), or leave the target audience to the agent/publishers (it's they're job to know about these things, after all).

You can refer to your target audience, though.