Thread: Writing as a career and family disapproval ...

So basically, I just graduated college and luckily found a job to transition over to. It's not the best starting position (though the pay is decent), as it requires lots of time on your feet, is not your typical 9-5 (I get off anywhere from 5-11 probably), and may require travel and several transfers in the future ... but it's something.

Here's the problem: I grew up in a conservative family where higher education was always expected, not given as an option. They were not happy when they found out I got this job and thought I was settling. In a way, I was - it wasn't ideal for me, but it's all I could find (there's a more dramatic back story here, but I'll spare you guys of it ...) Most of my family members work stable white collar jobs. I, on the other hand, want to be a writer. Which is essentially equated to waitress/aspiring actor/singer, or anything else "not decent or respectable" according to society (or should I say, according to them). I graduated with a business degree but don't really aspire to put all of my energy and focus on advancing that career, because of course the majority of my free time is centered around finishing the book I'm currently writing.

Long story short, they think my current job sucks and I'm settling, that writing as a full time career is stupid and a long shot, and I should be rapidfire applying to other companies for a better more "decent" job than working on my book, which they openly mocked when I mentioned it (huge mistake, I should have never).

I know it's probably easy to say, "Screw your parents, do what you want." But their opinion matters of me. I was close to them for most of my life, and not uncommonly, I want them to be proud and happy for me. They're not supportive though, not in the least bit, and they were very vocal with their disapproval. I've been sending out resumes to search for more stable jobs (to eliminate the possibility of travel) but it's rough out there. Nothing's guaranteed. I wouldn't mind working this job for experience and applying elsewhere when I have time, but not so frantically like they keep urging me to.

On the other hand, I know there are very few people who "make it" as a writer in terms of a full time career. It's a big dream to have, and even bigger to accomplish. Life's rough these days. Which is why I have a job to lean back on, but the whole thing goes full circle now and I'm left here feeling bummed and stuck in a rut.

I guess my question to you all is what do you think of writing (novels, fiction, essays, etc.) as a career, and have you ever gone through familial disapproval because of your choice?

Thanks for letting me vent.

they're concerned for your well-being. (you already know that, i believe) my advice would be not to take
their concern personally. you just follow your path and hopefully your path will lead to success, so they can
stop worrying. i understand both sides of this coin now. when i was young, i wanted to be a musician. my
parents weren't real thrilled with the idea. in my case, they were right. but in your case, YOU could be right;
and that's what matters.

Aw, thanks dale.

I do know that ... they've always been concerned. I've been a strange one in the family to say the least. I just don't want to feel like I'm making a mistake. You can't pour your time and energy into everything (in this case, looking for a new career and writing a QUALITY piece of work), so it's making that decision. There are no right answers.

In their eyes if I follow my own path it's going to lead me straight into a ditch. In my eyes, I really don't know because it's a huge risk. Nobody really knows if they truly have the chops and luck to turn their thoughts into something great.

If you are talking about fiction, there are a relative few who make it as a full time career. However, there are plenty of opportunities for non-fiction writers of all sorts.

My first newspaper story was published about a month after I turned 14. I'm 72 now. I've lived quite well and I've never needed a job. Think about a career as a non-fiction writer while you continue to polish your fiction. I've been trying to learn to write fiction for the past few years, and while my non-fiction years of experience haven't taught me the fine points of fiction, they have provided me with a solid foundation in the use of the language for other work apart from newspaper and magazine articles.

I can see both sides. I don't know if they really think of it as stupid. It sounds like they only want you to be succesful, but I'm sure you know that.

To answer your question, I find writing fiction to be more of a dream to keep me optimistic during daily life. Feeling a joy to express your art and having it read by anyone, and everyone you can reach out to. My family doesn't really oppose to my writing because they know I'm not just banking everything on it. Which is most likely what scares your parents, it xould be that they don't want you to be crushed if you can't accomplish this very hard career. I wouldn't take it too hard.

My advice is to maybe just keep it a hobby/dream until you have time to pursue more, meanwhile going for a job that you wouldn't mind working and making a primary career first.

One of the hardest things is walking down a path a mentor or family do not want you to. You want their support and affirmation, especially when wandering where success is not promised.
In the end, it's your call. It seems like you were subconsciously applying the brakes on your education so you could pursue writing. I believe we need to listen carefully to our instincts and emotions well, and try to determine if they are worth opposing or pursuing. Chill, meditate, reflect.
As long as you've kept your options open (at least got decent grades/experience during university), then I don't see a problem with going off to do a bit of writing either as you work or when you get enough time at the company to have reputable experience (nest egging it). If writing works out for you, then kudos. If not, you could pursue and entry level job again and try to work your way up. I don't think you'd be emotionally invested business it if you tried to suppress your desire to write now.

Your parents are right.

You already said the translating job isn't ideal, it's all you could get. 99% of writers do not earn a living from writing. Get a good job, write on the side like everyone else does. if you make it, give up the job, poke your folks in the eye.

^ most parents are to some degree.

I think part of what ika's suffering from is the right to make one's own decisions, mistakes or not. Parents try their best to guide you to the best of their abilities, but forget that you are an individual with your own mind.

Also, you kept your options open. And, as, a wise older person told me, now's the time to make mistakes, explore and experiment. After you get the spouse, house and kids, it's pretty hard to.

@garza - I am trying to make it as a fiction writer, ack. I have to wonder - with the zillions of books out there, I'm just curious to know how many authors are actually seeing enough profit to make a stable living out of writing? They have to keep churning things out. Stephen King is the only author that really pops into my mind (maybe I should read more ... I'm a writer who barely reads. That is a problem.), but he's basically a machine. Even the books that get turned into movies (maybe not Harry Potter or Hunger Games caliber, but you know ... The Davinci Code or The Devil Wears Prada, for instance.) Is it enough to keep going? I actually dabbled in journalism near the tail end of college with no experience ... at a smaller publication nonetheless, but my work was somewhat well received and I became editor in chief before I graduated. That ended on a lukewarm note, however. Maybe I could go halfway and try to work in a writing-related business ...

That's a very inventive alternative, though! Thanks for that, maybe I could try applying to some jobs that meet halfway.

@ Penwillz - I think when I outright said I wanted to be a writer, it really did scare the crap out of them. Because I was making it sound like I was going to drop everything and lock myself up in a room and just write all day and night. I definitely see their point ... maybe things don't have to be so extreme. It's definitely not hurting to apply around for something more stable, let's just hope I get some bites.

@ Guy - It's really funny you said that ... I actually struggled a lot through college because I couldn't find my calling and ultimately became a terrible student because I lost all motivation to do anything. It was quite ironic, because I was a very good student in high school. But somehow through everything I did (or did not, I should say) do, I continually circled back around to writing. Even if it was just blogging or writing in a diary. I never once had a passion for business ... I majored in it because it was practical. I once had a mental breakdown and almost switched to Sociology, but decided not to (familial influence definitely was a factor there ...) I got inspired to write my book a few weeks before I graduated. Even when I was younger, I loved writing. I didn't write all the time, but when I did it felt so natural to me. It's definitely a hobby. As a career path, it's less stable.

You're right, the decision is up to me. The main problem I have with this job is now is it's going to be potentially distracting because I may have to uproot my life and move multiple times. That takes away precious time to focus on what I want, of course. It's a lot to think about.

@ wyf - haha, that's one way to do it for sure. I would actually consider myself a real novice at writing, because although I've been doing it all my life, it's been a little sporadic. Therefore, working on my novel every day has been a bit of a challenge because I want it to come out right (and not cheesy, god my biggest fear is of the cheese.) The point is I use a lot of my energy thinking about what I'm going to write, then write it and it comes out nicely, and boom, half my day is gone. I don't know how I'm going to this with a full time job if it takes me so long to bang out 500 words of good stuff. The only way I'm doing this right now is because I don't officially start work until mid July. It's like my last chance to have all this luxurious free time.

Maybe that goes away with more practice? Because we can't all have magical fingers and produce gold 24/7.

I feel like I'm being way too much of an open book with the interwebz, but ... what the heck. Thanks for the responses guys! Your insight has been a great help.

It's your life - Stand or fall by your own decisions.

@ Guy - Yes, that is definitely another factor.

During our conversation (fight) today, my dad kept repeatedly saying, "I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to learn the hard way." It would have sounded pretty foolish of me to say, "but I want to learn the hard way." so I resisted, but part of me did. It's just all so cliched post-collegiate lost and confusing right now. For a lot of my life my parents were pretty micro-managing, and it felt a little exhausting for this to still be happening. Especially now that I am an adult.

But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years.

Also Guy, this extends to other aspects of my life too. Do you believe in dropping everything to take risks and try things (because I definitely want to), or do you believe that you should always have something to lean back on?

Originally Posted by ika

@ Guy - Yes, that is definitely another factor.

During our conversation (fight) today, my dad kept repeatedly saying, "I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to learn the hard way." It would have sounded pretty foolish of me to say, "but I want to learn the hard way." so I resisted, but part of me did. It's just all so cliched post-collegiate lost and confusing right now. For a lot of my life my parents were pretty micro-managing, and it felt a little exhausting for this to still be happening. Especially now that I am an adult.

I wouldn't say that. Going from school to work is a big transition, and even if they are good, changes are hard.
Here's a little story; my parents are immigrants to Canada. They lived in a rural setting where life was hard, and everything, regardless on how tiny, had to be toiled for. They came over and made a small life for themselves, raised me and my siblings. They always told us what we should be doing, how it should be done, but never why, without any room for negotiation. I know it's because they don't want us to experience the hardships of common life, but it's still pretty suffocating. Part of you wants to go out and explore and experience for yourself and yet you are constantly on that dog leash being reeled back.

The emotions within a family make it hard. The parent is trying to maintain a sense of authority and legitimacy while the child is trying to establish confidence in their own direction and decisions, but sometimes, being direct with questions and laying it all out (emotions and all) can help break down the barrier between parent and child. To chip at the divide (and if you haven't) maybe ask your father about those hardships after dinner, ask him about his childhood, growing up, all of it.

Originally Posted by ika

But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years.

Same as in my culture. I call it the "exchange"; that they care for you when your weak and learning so you can establish yourself so that you can take care of them when they aren't able to. It must be difficult to not live up to what they expected from you. But your life... no life is a simple script that can be followed. There's always going to be that odd element that shakes it all up, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Legends are not made by those who played it safe; humbling life lessons are not always learned by the direction of others.

Being a writer, you might have to accept them, as in, you might have to accept the prospect that they will not acknowledge what you are trying to do. Some parents cannot get past the idea that their children growing up and making their own decisions, especially when they are so contrary to what they intend.

Originally Posted by ika

Also Guy, this extends to other aspects of my life too. Do you believe in dropping everything to take risks and try things (because I definitely want to), or do you believe that you should always have something to lean back on?

Hard question. In short, there are people who can live life according to a set of goals, with redundancies, back ups, and hit their targets consistently, then, there are those who are bound to live by the skin of their teeth, and then everyone else in between. The intimidating and exciting part of life is not knowing where exactly you stand on this. Could you play it safe and succeed? Could going all in play off as well? Or the best path a mixture of doing what you hate to do what you love?
When you decide to strike out and make your own decisions, you also have to accept the fears, the consequences, the uncertainty as well as the potential pay offs and self-affirmation that come with it, which is hard when many of the small and important decisions have been made for you thus far.

Anyways, it's pretty late here, and I have to get to bed. I'm going through much of this myself, hope you actually can relate to this and I'm not just rambling on.
G'night, and g'luck!

But they did support me financially throughout everything, and I feel lucky in that aspect. But also incredibly guilty as if I am indebted to do what they want because of their kindness, and don't want to feel like I ultimately disappointed them (respect and paying homage to your parents is very important in my culture.) Especially because I began to unravel in terms of what they expected from me in the past 2-3 years.

Kilbran in 'The Prophet' has a nice take on this, he compares parents to an archer firing a bow, children to the arrow being fired. He puts everything he can into pulling back the string and taking aim, but once he has loosed the arrow it is beyond his control.

It's currently 4:30 where I am right now and I have loads of things to say, but I'm going to respond to this tomorrow because I'm about to pass out.

Thanks again though, and good night

I think dreams are great - tempered with realism. Perhaps that's what has your parents concerned, rather than the writing per se. Everyone, no matter what their dreams, needs to be able to support themselves. So explain that you realize you need something stable because earning a living as a fiction author is iffy at best, and that this job is the one you have now - to support yourself while looking for something better. It might sound like dismissing the writing career, but it's just putting things in a perspective that more realistic and that will (hopefully) get your parents off your back. Equally hopefully - for your sake - I hope you do accept that this job is only the first one, and that you will combine the dream of being a writer with the realities of life (and publishing).