Thread: Which "social skills" come across as phony to you?

Has anyone ever been polite to you but not meant it?

Are people phony in the attitudes towards you ?

What social skills are phony in everyday life ?


"We really must do dinner sometime" !! They say as they are walking away and not looking back !! Yeah right lol Why bother to say it if you don,t mean it? Is it just being polite or being sarcastic or are they just full is bull ?

welcome to the real world Bluesman haha...lots of people do as if to fill a gap, something to say I reckon ...are you sure they did not mean it?
and why have them around if they don't care about their phony promises?

3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender. I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis. At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty. Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date. (2nd Tuesday of each month) I was totally put off by it. I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on. How embarrassing on his part.

MaggieMoo that is shocking read..I am totally taken aback
did you say something to him about it?
I am glad you cut him short...it is so strange!!

No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.

Originally Posted by MaggieMoo

3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender. I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis. At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty. Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date. (2nd Tuesday of each month) I was totally put off by it. I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on. How embarrassing on his part.

Originally Posted by Nacian

MaggieMoo that is shocking read..I am totally taken aback
did you say something to him about it?
I am glad you cut him short...it is so strange!!

Originally Posted by MaggieMoo

No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.

Seems pretty obvious the guy was a high-functioning autistic.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Seems pretty obvious the guy was a high-functioning autistic.

To be honest, I am not really sure if he is or not. It was totally weird though. I have never come across such behaviour from anyone.

Originally Posted by MaggieMoo

No Nacian I probably should have said something, I think I was totally put off by him to even have a normal conversation with him. Though I was told by other collegues that he was the same with them as well. So I guess I wasn't totally offended, just disappointed that such attitude actually exists within management.

he does sound like someone in need of big cheering up ..I would say he sounds a bit sad.

Originally Posted by Nacian

he does sound like someone in need of big cheering up ..I would say he sounds a bit sad.

Or some serious counseling. I do admit to feeling sorry for him. Sad.

I find it annoys me when people ask how are you, then ignore the answer, regardless of what it is, why ask if you don't want to know?

Also, I found that it takes people aback when I enquire the same and a lot of the time this happens
"how are you?"
"grand, how are you?
"I'm fine, how are you?"

....wait what? I just answered that?

I usually answer again and continue the conversation rather than point it out.
Same with shops, if the person asks how I am, I always ask them too, they seem suprised a lot of the time. I would class it as general politeness, if someone enquires after your health/general well being you should do the same, even if you tell them you're fine when you're not because you don't know the person.

I am generally polite person though, manners are free and all that.

When you meet an old friend/acquaintance and they insist on exchanging numbers and say "stay in touch" but never phone you. I always think 'what's the point'?

Talking about the weather, because 9 out of 10 times you want to talk about something else. It's a necessary evil, I guess; it's the best way to start a conversation with a stranger.

Originally Posted by MaggieMoo

3 years ago, I had a boss, who spoke to me via a calender. I worked at the company for 5 years and in the first year I noticed that he only ever had a real conversation with me on a monthly basis. At first I thought I was imagining it, until I started marking on a calender when he chatted to me out of curiosty. Low and behold It was exactly a month to the date. (2nd Tuesday of each month) I was totally put off by it. I remember even cutting his conversation, short as I claimed to have too much work to catch up on. How embarrassing on his part.

I would have walked up to him first thing and said "It's the first Tuesday, do you want to get the monthly chat over early?" and seen what transpired.

Having worked with management, my experience has been that most of the sort of inept things you see like the boss calendaring times to talk with employees are the result of good intentions, but an inability to relate socially in the workplace. I've seen bosses screw up a lot of what would seem to many to be fairly simple interactions because they are too rigid, stilted, or simply trying to hard. A guy I worked with ran a production facility, and he started it with a very small number of people in a old metal warehouse on his property. The guy interacted with his employees on a one-on-one basis every day. They're making millions now and the facility is simply too big for him to do that, but for the longest time he felt pressure (imposed by himself) to do exactly that, and to have that one-on-one relationship with every employee. As you might imagine, it was a disaster and it actually made him look less sincere than he was (because he was sincere enough about it that he forced himself through the motions when there was no reasonable way to do it). Employees saw that it was forced and it had the opposite effect that he wanted. It really bothered the guy, but he eventually had to realize he couldn't have that relationship any more and just go back to doing his job and being a real, and accessible person when he did have interactions with his employees. That has done wonders for him.

I don't know the particular boss mentioned above, but you can't assume the guy is an asshat or anything. I don't know too many who take the time to go chat with their employees, at least not in larger organizations, and the fact that he calendared it and did it might say something nice about the guy. Or it might not, if your a more cynical type (which I tend to be).

So.... I'm thinking of another question here, and that's why a person would take the time and trouble to wonder whether others were being sincere when they ask how he's doing, invite him to dinner, etc....? What is the alternative to all this offensive "phoniness"...?

Under what circumstances may another person's sincerity be taken for granted? Is the sincerity of virtual strangers or casual acquaintances something we need to go around worrying about? (Of course, accusing others of "phoniness" means that I'M SINCERE.... or does it?)

And, most importantly I suppose: If "complete honesty" is such a desirable quantity, why are brutally honest people shunned by the main of human society? (That includes people all around the world, not just us hoity-toity civilized folks who sit chatting on the internet when we should be out in the fields busting our butts; in fact, I've observed that the residents of a small rural community are more mendacious and cruel--"phony," if you will--than urbanites, who are forced to associate with others and therefore have more of an incentive to acquire social skills.)

If I worked in an office (which I don't; I've worked mostly in a home-based business since the late 1980s) and my boss scheduled times to come around to my desk and ask me what was up, I can say (with my usual brutal honesty) that I would be most glad. So what if it seems like the boss doesn't really care about me? It's not the boss's job to care about me; that's what my friends and my pets are for. At least he's keeping a connection open between me and him.

If some stranger at the bus stop asks you how you're doing, that may be "phony" but at least it's a signal that he's not standing there thinking about stabbing you and taking your wallet. When I walk into a convenience store in the wee hours of the morning to buy a deck of cards and some cigars, ESPECIALLY if there's nobody else in the store, I always smile at the clerk at the counter and say "hello!" in a cheery voice--condemn me for being phony if you will, but each time I do this, I notice the clerk relaxing, smiling back, saying "hello" back to me--in spite of my rude appearance and our isolated, scary circumstances, we are reaching across the gulf of blank uncaringness toward each other in agreement that all I'm here for is some smokes, and I'm not going to rob the store or try to steal stuff, or have some kind of fit that will require the clerk to call the police. (My greeting is only "phony" if I subsequently do something really screwed up.)

If you are going to take something away--in this case the phoniness of social interaction at school, work, and in public--always remember that you must replace it with something. If little pleasantries are "phony" then what is the alternative? If someone is phony because he asks you how you're doing and you suspect he doesn't care, how do you correct that?

To my mind, the alternative to polite social interaction is vitriol: "Your hair looks like a bird's nest this morning" - "When you come into my office and ask how I'm doing, I want to punch you" - "I see you wrinkling your nose. So what if you don't like my perfume?! SOD OFF!!!" - "OH, THE TWO OLD LADIES ARE TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS!!! HOW FAKE!! STFU, GRANDMA!!!" (and so on)

Think of the alternative, and then (of course) think of the consequences.

I dunno about you, but I make an effort to love humanity and see the good in humanity; to my mind, that's my own personal karmic task that I'm very serious about. I don't look at others indifferently; I try to view them from a perspective of wanting to know them, to hear their stories. That doesn't mean I want to be friends with everyone; quite the contrary. There are many people to whom your only expression of love and understanding is going to be leaving them the hell alone and making sure they don't ever notice you, and you can usually tell who they are because they are the ones who, instead of saying, "Hey there, what's up?" in a cheery tone, give you a stare of malice or reply in a sneer.

Saying "hey there" to people you don't know very well or care about much keeps the love and understanding moving along. You're saying, "I don't know you very well, but you're my fellow human being and I love you and wish you well."

The alternative is despite, contempt, hatred.

I'm not trying to upset or anger you by saying these things. An honest question deserves an honest answer, right?