Thread: Steal the sausage

I have the greatest sausage known to mankind. It is locked away in a maximum security prison, guarded by a hundred soldiers with grenade launchers and the Asylum Demon from Dark Souls (big, ugly monster with a massive hammer).

Outside the prison is a minefield, with mines that contain nothing other that the voice of Jedward - the deadliest thing known to man.



There. Now, the next person to post has to steal my sausage. Be as ludicrous as you want, as long as it is creative and gets past all my obstacles. Once you have it, you have to decide how you want to guard it. Again, make it as mental as you want, as long as it's more than hiding it in the garden.

Then the next person to post repeats this process - steal the sausage, and then protect it. And the next does the same, and so on, etc.

There is only one rule - you cannot eat the sausage.

The following procedure will be carried out in the dead of night.

Well obviously the only logically easy way to get past the field of mines is to Zip-line and so I would take my chances darting across the minefield. I would don my Time-Cloaking Device and blast Lady Gaga from my pocket radio (which, as I'm sure you are all aware, is the only protection against Jedward). The mines have thus been rendered use-less.

Next, I am assuming the soilders are on the outside of the prision and the demon is on the inside

Keeping the above in mind I would slip in my ear buds and continue to listen to 'Poker face' while grabbing the nearest guard, knocking him out, and stealing his uniform and grenade launcher. I would quickly switch my Time-Cloak for the guard's uniform and I would shoot a few grenades into the field behind me. BOOM! Jedward mines are exploded every where.The guards start to panic and I am free to slip into the maximum security prision with very little effort.

Now I have to take care of the Asylum Demon. Luckily I always carry my W.o.W. Cataclysmic Gladiator's Gear and my Nexus-claw and Void-talon. Equiping my armour, the demon is dispatched with ease.

Finally... Locating the sausage. Which is not hard since I could smell it upon stepping into the building. Mmmm.... Delicious! Held captive in room 13. I rescue the sausage and now I must protect it.....

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The sausage is being hidden inside a deep underground bank-vault. The only way to reach said vault is by riding the elevator downwards. The elevator is protected by a password; a 4 digit number combination.

On the ground the elevator shaft is protected by a single room (about 9'x9'). The room is made from steel and outside it is protected by a Bear Cavalry (totally of 9 bears), and the bears are protected by a suspicious looking moat. In the moat there are exactly 7 alligator/human hybrids (), and of course lying around the edge of the moat are enlarged Venus Fly Traps (now called mantraps).

Good luck. Your bravery is admirable

Bravery is my middle name (actually it's Yvonne, but what the hell, in the days when I was born babies were given normal names) I have no trouble getting around the edge of the moat as I am a woman, so mantraps cannot harm me. The alligator/human hybrids hold no fear, for in my backpack I have exactly 7 'Y' shaped sticks to pin down their jaws. This will work as long as they are all male alligators, if they are part woman this is hopeless as a woman's jaw is far stronger than a man's due to getting more exercise. Yes! I see they are all part male, because they are laying in the sun doing absolutely nothing. Through the moat I swim, to be faced by the Bear Cavalry. Cavalry = Army, in my backpack I unload 9 very large jars of honey. Everyone knows an army marches on it's stomach and a bear cavalry is no different. I sneak past leaving them huddled around, fists deep in the honey jars. I make my way to the lift shaft - it is a lift for I am English - and look closely at the panel. From my backpack I retrieve a pair of polaroid glasses that show the finger marks on the panel, but there is only one fingermark. From this, and being a supremely intelligent being, I deduce that the code is 4 4 4 4, which I press, hoping that I haven't got the fours out of sequence. It works! Going down I find myself in a bank vault with a sausage. And not for the first time.

Now, how to I protect it?

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My sausage is hidden in a factory, not just any factory but a factory in Ireland called 'Richmonds'. It is in a cardboard box that is wrapped in cling film. The cling-film wrapped box is labelled 'Sausages' and is in the store room with ten thousand other similar boxes. Only I know which is the correct box because all the other boxes have a spelling mistake (the printer of the boxes was a former grocer and still had a surfeit of apostrophes to get rid of). The store room is guarded by 16 (four on each side) two headed dogs. Each dog is on a chain controlled by by a leprechaun wearing a green hat, each leprechaun is sitting on top of a booby trapped post. If they are moved from their post the store room becomes instantly encased in quick-drying cement. Around the whole factory site is a three foot thick steel wall which is painted buttercup yellow.

Go on, I dare you!

Time to use my Portal Gun, I think.

I start off by placing a single portal on the inside of a stealth bomber, telling the pilot to fly around randomly until I return. He says that this is a stupid use of a billion-dollar aircraft, and won't fly it. I then replace him with an android that does my every bidding.

Unfortunately, I forget to program the android, and he crashes the bomber as he takes off. I am forced to rebuild the bomber piece by broken piece, since the government won't supply with another. In fact, they never supplied me with one in the first place.

After making the bomber again and sending it off, I scale the wall and charge into the factory, alerting the dogs, which race towards me, moving the leprechauns whih sets off the booby traps. As the cement comes in, I plant another portal and jump through it, teleporting me to the bomber, which is still flying overhead. I close the portal to stop the cement coming through, and take control of the plane. The bomber contains acid-bombs that only destroy non-organic material.

I bomb the cement-filled factory, and in minutes all that is left behind is the bodies of the dogs and leprechauns, and all the bozes, because they're made of cardboard. *facepalm*

With all the boxes exposed, I send out sniffer dogs to find the sausage. They find it in two hours (they're not very well trained).

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The sausage is now on top of the tallest mountain in the world, Everest 2 (which I just made). The mountain is guarded by a giant possom that curles around the sausage. The possom is made of adamantium (invulnerable metal), and if he is ever touched, he duplicates into a million of the same possom which are all hungry. Around the possom are five of my stealth bombers (I made more of them), which have an unlimited supply of nuclear warheads.

I'm assuming this possom is still like any old possom when it comes to radiation. I send in my fleet of upgraded Reaper drones to blow up every last one of your stealth bombers. The explosion destroy half of the mountain, but the possom protects the sausage. All of my drones are destroyed and I'm forced to lay off all of the pilots.

I don my NBC (nuclear, biological, chemical) suit and board a high-altitude drop plane. The plane carries me over Everest 2 and I jump. My parachute doesn't deploy and I hit the ground hard. Luckily the snow was soft and kept me from harm. I make my way to the sausage and find that the possom has already died from radiation. I take the sausage and get picked up by skyhook.

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The sausage now resides in my personal fortress. It is in an invulnerable box that is wired to nuclear devices that will blow up if you don't enter the six-digit code in five seconds after touching the box. I have used gloves when entering the code so no fingerprints are left. The outside of the building is watched by twenty snipers with M107A1 .50 semi-auto sniper rifles. My fleet of Reaper drones also patrol th airspace. The doors all have motionsensors on the inside that set off explosions inside the doorway. The building is patrolled by fifty guards carrying FN P90s designed to penetrate armor. The room that holds the sausage has four .50 browning machine guns and ten men holding M60s.

A personal fortress? I have three of those. I'm claiming expenses on all of them.

I tunnel underneath the fortress with a diamond-tipped drilling machine, avoiding all the snipers and Reaper drones. In let my men fight them anyway and record it so that I have something more interesting to watch than whatever is on Dave at 9pm. My drill emerges in the room with the sausage.

Remebering the assortment of guns in the room, I activate a magnet on my drilling machine that takes all the guns, disarming the men. I then proceed to use their guns to kill them all.

Only the box remains. It's invulnerability meant that it wasn't made from a magnetic material, so it is still on the floor of the room. I get out my portal gun again, and drill my way to the home of Piers Morgan, placing a portal there, and then run back to place a portal beside the box. I chuck the box through the portal, and it destroys Piers Morgan's home. Score! With the invulnerable box no threat, I train a monkey to constantly try possible combinations of the code until, a month later, he cracks it. The sausage is mine again!

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The sausage is now in the world of Dark Souls, the hardest videogame known to man (I think). It is in the Abyss below New Londo Ruins, an ancient and unholy place. The ruins are guarded by ghosts that cannot be hurt by any weapon or thing known to man. Also in the ruins are the evil Darkwraiths, whose sword skills are exceptional. Dozens of ghosts and Darkwraiths are scattered around the ruins, and somewhere there is the entrance to the Abyss.

However, you cannot enter the Abyss without the sacred Covenant of Artorias (it's a ring). Usually, the Covenant is held by a giant wolf with a sword in its mouth, but since I have killed that wolf, I have put the Covenant in the belly of Executioner Smough, a thug the size of a small building who wields a massive hammer and is accompanied by his friend, Dragonslayer Ornstein, in the palace of Anor Londo. Ornstein has a large spear and can throw lightning bolts. If Smough dies, Ornstein will triple in size, and if Ornstien dies, Smough's weapon will become imbued with lightning. You must choose who you kill first, although you only need to kill Smough. But with Ornstein so big, your path may be blocked.

With the Covenant, you can enter the abyss - and only you. Only one person may wear the Covenant of Artorias, and it cannot be cloned. The sausage is held in a magical safe, which will only open when its guardians have been destroyed - the Four Kings of the Abyss. Each King has a powerful, magical sword, and they will attack you all at once, overwhelming you. They can cast powerful spells too. If you do manage to defeat them, you will have the sausage, and the sausage will allow you to escape the Abyss.

Good luck.