Thread: Argumentation Challenge

Sometimes one has to sacrifice one's scientific integrity; at least if you work as a spokesperson for a greedy multinational corporation. In those cases it is important to rely on well-known argumentation strategies such as pseudoscience and good old bulls****ing. Hey, you're only doing your job, right?

Anyway, the prompt is simple. You are a spokesperson for a stereotypical greedy corporation or for some other organization that has to look after their interests. The previous poster (your boss) gives you information and you have to argue for it. The previous poster can also specify the interest group if they want to (for example "The Concrete Company" in the prompt I will give in this post). Make up arguments as you go but remember that you're in front of clever press people so you really have to make it sound plausible.

Needless to say, the "facts" can be as controversial and zany as you like.

I'll start. The next person will have to explain, why

THE SAND AT BEACHES SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH CONCRETE

"Ladies and gentleman. Sand. Isn’t it awful?

Deceiving, annoying, downright distasteful.

Think about the beach. A hot summer day, going out with your family, or your friends. These should be the days that memories are made of. But then you get there and what do you see? Sand! And it’s everywhere.

You burn your feet as you try to run across it, and it sucks you down with every step. You cut your toe on hidden broken glass, landmines waiting in the sandy depths to ruin your day. Picture your beautiful bouncing baby, playing around making a sandcastle… and then, what’s that? A syringe poking out of the farthest turret.

And all this because of that seemingly innocent golden sand.

Now picture your local basketball court, roads, sidewalks. Aren’t they wonderful? And you know why… Concrete. Sturdy, reliable, trustworthy concrete.

My friends, I think the answer is clear. Concrete beaches. It just makes sense."


BANKS SHOULD JUST GIVE PEOPLE MONEY

Seriously, ladies, gentlemen, and otherwise. If you're to examine the example set by Mr. Stewart in "It's A Wonderful Life", you'll see how very fulfilling it is to give, and how very good for your postmortem spiritual investment portfolio it is to give with both hands on your wallet.
Peace in the afterlife is the ultimate golden parachute. I'm sure you'll agree.
Mr. Trump will now steer the collection wheelbarrow. Thanks for your time and attention, and of course for your cooperation.


Cats and Dogs should be housed together

Lady and Gentlemen, I am going to convince you today that cats and dogs can live together peacefully. I know your first thought is that such a notion is unnatural and weird. My presentation will, I believe, change your minds.

Slide 1 shows a typical arrangement of a cat and a dog living with a family. Note the aloofness of the cat, the bumbling friendliness of the dog, and how each of them have their favorites and supporters in the family. Sis likes the cat, Bubba likes the dog, the fathers tolerates both, and the mother hates both.

Slide 2 shows the same group with the cat and dog forced to live together. Note the tandem harness that allows them some freedom to move, eat, romp, and such, while keeping them in close contact at all times. They sleep together in the same house. When the dog goes for a walk to defecate in someone else’s yard, the cat comes along for the trip.

Slide 4 shows the same cat and dog pair a month later. You see how they have become used to each other. No snarling, biting, or fighting. And the cat has achieved some healthy weight loss due to the dog eating most of the food.

Slide 5 shows the marvelous harness, Dr. Forbes Mixed Species Harmony Gear®. This item can be made available to you at wholesale prices. We feel that it will revolutionize multipet households. You will be excited to knew that we are currently researching a three-holer, a model that will take three pets.

Thank you for your attention. I will answer any questions you have.

NEXT: WE SHOULD ELIMINATE ALL SHARKS TO MAKE SWIMMING SAFER

ALL SHARKS SHOULD BE ELIMINATED TO MAKE SWIMMING SAFER

Ladies and gentlemen, we've all seen the movie Jaws. Unless, of course, you're a hermit living in farthest reaches of the planet. But unlike the movie Jaws, sharks don't actually stick their fins above water when they're on the hunt. It is for this reason that I would like to propose the elimination of all sharks from our waters.

In their defence, sharks have been known to save babies from the clutches of other sharks. Oh, wait, that's dolphins. Damn. Well, sharks have been known to kill the world's second-most deadliest predator. Oh, wait, that's whales. This defence thing isn't going too good, is it?

Realistically, what do sharks actually do -- other than eat swimmers who are stupid enough to swim in their locality. Which, when you think about it, isn't really a bad thing, is it? Wait a minute -- was I not supposed to be supporting the elimination of these creatures? Damn.

Sharks -- even the name engenders a feeling of disquietude. It's "sharps" with a K instead of a P. Sharp. Teeth. Which will tear you to pieces if you are stupid enough to get anywhere near them. Do we really need any more reason to kill these buggers?

I rest my case.

NEXT: WE SHOULD OUTLAW ALL PEOPLE WHO THINK IT'S COOL TO SAY "DUDE".

Of all the atrocities that the english language has suffered, 'Dude' is
by far the worst offender.

'Dude' has spawned some of the foulest, most obscene entertainment
known to man. "Dude Where's My Car?" If you don't know, maybe we should
throw your weed whacking ass in jail.

"Dude looks like a lady." From a guy who "snorted enough blow to fill a swimming pool to the top" and who "spent a lot of time w/Rod Stewart in the bathroom". Hmmm. I'm not even going to touch that one.

Dudes have dude-a-thons. Dude-a-tude. Dude-De-Ching (A dude newspaper)
And let's not forget "Dude, who just touched my ass?"

They even have a female counter part: Dudettes. Are you kidding me?
And dude eggs. Maybe they don't need the dudettes after all.

That's just a hop, skip and a jump to, "Dude, I'm tripping balls."
After mixing mushrooms and acid, you might think, "Dude I just
stepped on my nuts."

Need I remind you that 'dude' rhymes with 'nude'.
And do we really need to see nude dudes roaming our concrete beaches?
I think not.

It's high time we retired 'Dude' and all of those who worship
at it's altar.

NEXT: ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES SHOULD WALK THE EARTH AS THEY WERE BORN. NEKKID.

ETA: Yeah. I changeded it. You can ding me later.

Off Topic:

Actually there's a hole in that argument-Dude Looks Like A Lady wasn't by G'N'F'n'R. 'Twas by Aerosmith

Carry on.

Off Topic:

Damn, Moderan beat me to it. Yeah, definitely Aerosmith.

All of God's Creatures should walk the earth as they are born - Naked.

Is this even an argument?

Ladies and gentlemen, I direct your attention to Exhibit A - Jennifer Hawkins
http://www.google.com.au/images?um=1...=&oq=&gs_rfai=.
(No, I haven't worked out your spiffy URL tags yet)

While I certainly agree that there will be some rather regrettable by-products of this change, it is quite simply undeniable that it will enrich the experience of humanity as a whole.

NEXT WEEK: Unpronounceable Fantasy-style names should become the norm for everyone.

^ there ya go

Originally Posted by Like a Fox

^ there ya go

I was going to make a semi-intelligent comment, but then spent a couple of minutes laughing that the file name for that photo is "Jennifer hawkins nude."

Anyway, I think my point is well and truly proven.

I think that the point of your argument is that Jennifer Hawkins should be allowed, nay, required to be naked. However, there is a counter-argument as not everyone is quite as attractive as she is, and perhaps should not be allowed to roam in public without covering of some kind. And I'm waiting to see how you address people in colder climes.
Unconvinced.
But laughing anyway

Sure, some folks might freeze to death, or get heatstroke, or see all manner of unsavoury things on their daily commute to work. End of the day, though, it's all balanced out and then some by a visit to the Ms Universe Competition. Pretty much the opposite of Star Trek - The beauty of the few far outweighs the unseemliness and occasional death of the many.

UNPRONOUNCEABLE FANTASY-NAMES SHOULD BE THE NORM FOR EVERYONE.

Bob Geldof has already embraced the new-age mantra of calling his children names that are so unseemly ludicrous as to incite a paroxysm of laughter from everyone who ever reads them. Case in point: Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof.

I propose that everyone, regardless of race, should adopt this cheerfully asinine way of naming their children. Imagine the endless fun you could have arguing with your significant other over whether to call your child "Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily" or "Fifi Trixibelle". "Michael" or "James" seem dull in comparison, don't they?

Let's spice up and embellish those names, people! Adopt the fantasy way! Worry about all the bullying and name-calling later. What matters is that you have fun naming your child!

NEXT: SPEED-WALKING SHOULD BE DIS-INVENTED. RUN, PEOPLE!

People, today we live in a time of indecisiveness.

Take for example Speed-walking. Some people argue that Speed-walking is running, because-- it's darn fast, dammit.

And some people would call it walking, because you barely lift your knees.

What is it people?

I say it's time for us to make a stand!

Let's walk when it's time to walk, and run, when you need to run!

Join me! haaarr!!!

Wait, what are those jackets for?

NEXT: EVERYONE SHOULD WEAR FANCY WIGS SIMILAR TO THE ONE WORN BY HIT GIRL IN KICKASS