Dialogue question - Writers Forum

Tony Bell · 04-13-2008, 04:43 AM

I've never attempted to write dialogue. How does this read?

‘Hiya! Thought I’d find you here,’ he said, taking a chair opposite John.
‘I just called at your flat, got no answer so thought I’d have a look in here.’
‘Well done Sherlock,’ said John in a flat voice. ‘What did you want?’
Paul was taken aback by the tone and John’s surly attitude.
‘What’s up mate? Are you okay?’
‘Me? Yeah, I’m fine. I’m bloody great. I just spoke to Christine’s husband-to-be, so why wouldn’t I be just fine?’
Paul winced. ‘Oh. I take it you phoned her then? And this guy answered?’
‘Got it in one. And he’s a cockney ponce called Perry. For fucks sake, what kind of a name is that?’
John drained what was left of his beer. ‘I made a right tit of meself. I never even thought that there might be a boyfriend on the scene, let alone a fuckin fiance.’
Paul was searching for something sympathetic to say. He couldn’t find the right words so instead asked John if he wanted another drink.
‘Yeah. Good thinking. I’m getting wasted tonight.’
‘Is that a good idea. You’ve got work tomorrow.’
‘Fuck that. I’m phoning in sick,’ John replied, lighting a cigarette.
He was staring into the distance when Paul returned from the bar. John immediately took his beer and downed it in one go, then belched loud and long.
‘Cheers,’ he said with a grim smile.
They sat in silence for a few moments. ‘Well, at least you know where you are with her now,’ Paul said.
‘Yeah. I’m history. I bet they’re both having a good laugh about me now. Twats.’
John sighed, looked down at the floor, then said. ‘I’m sorry mate.’
‘Sorry for what?’
‘For snapping at you. I’ve had a shit day. Sorry.’
Paul reached across the table and placed his hand on John’s shoulder. ‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I can see you’re upset. It’s only natural. Fuckin awful way to find out about the new bloke…’
‘Yeah. I need another drink. You want one?’ Then noticing Paul’s untouched beer he added: ‘Oh, you haven’t even started that one yet, friggin lightweight.’
He went to the bar, trying but failing to hide the unsteadiness of his gait. He returned with another pint of bitter, sat down and lit another cigarette, his third since Paul had arrived.
‘Anyway mate. Good to see you. What did you want to talk to me about?’
‘Nothing in particular. Just wanted to see how you’re doing, and talk about the gig. Not long now is it?’
John smiled. With all the other stuff going on, the reunion had been the last thing on his mind.
‘Yeah. Just a week to go now. Have you spoken to the others?’
Paul nodded. ‘Yeah, Ritchie last night, and George the other day. They’re both getting a bit nervous.’
‘Good. It’s good to be nervous,’ said John.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
‘What are you doing for your birthday, on the day I mean?’
‘I don’t know. Nothing planned.’ John hadn’t even considered celebrating the milestone anniversary, and he was startled when he realised it was just three days away.
‘Well, me and Cath were wondering if you’d like to come to ours on the night. Have something to eat and a few beers. What do you think?’
John’s face broke into a grin. ‘That sounds great. What time?’
They made the arrangements for the following Thursday, then Paul said: ‘Did you see the doctor?
‘Yep. Today.’
‘Oh. What did he say? Did you tell him about the thing we talked about?’
John thought for a moment. He decided not to tell Paul what the doctor had said about his drinking and marijuana intake. He was prepared to believe that this was the reason for The Feeling but he wasn’t ready to stop drinking or smoking the occasional joint, and he knew Paul would put pressure on him to follow the advice.
‘Yeah, I told him all about it. He reckons it’s just stress, with me and Cynth splitting. Told me I need to relax a bit more.’
‘There you go! That’s what I said, didn‘t I?’
‘Well done Doctor McCartney. I just wanted a second opinion.’
John stood up and reached into his pocket. ‘Now, are we having another beer? My round.’
He returned with two pints of bitter. He placed them on the table, and looked at Paul: ‘Fuck. I’m going to be rat arsed at this rate…anyway, what about you, what’s happening at work?’
‘It’s okay, it’s all settled down now. Much better atmosphere since they got rid of that bastard.’
‘Good, glad to hear it. Do you still think it’s messed your promotion up?
Paul lit a cigarette and handed it to John, then lit one for himself.
‘Oh yeah, definitely.’ He squinted through the smoke, waving it away. ‘But at least I’ve still got me job. I thought I was going to get sacked at one point, so I’ll just keep my head down and get on with it for now.’
They had another brief conversation about the gig and the running order of the songs, then Paul said: ‘How are things with Cynth?’
‘Okay. Better than they were. I think she was putting on a bit of a hard face when we first split. She’s relaxed a bit the last couple of times I’ve seen her.’
‘Well that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Do you think there’s any chance there?’
‘What, of us getting back together? Nah. No chance.’ But as the words left his mouth, he wondered if that was really the case.

Any comments are welcome!

Tony Bell · 04-14-2008, 09:05 AM

The reason I'm asking for comments is connected to my other post. I was lead along by a publisher who turned out to be a vanity publisher. So, now I'm thinking 'maybe it's a pile of tosh' (what I've written, I mean) because of course, they were bound to make encouraging comments about it because they wanted me to pay them.
As I said, any suggestions or advice on constructing dialogue are more than welcome.

lin · 04-14-2008, 10:18 AM

I don't see any problems here, Tony. I would regard this as pretty normal dialogue. (Downside to that: it doesn't really sparkle or grab)

But there's nothing wrong with it. Too bad you got burned with the publisher, but I don't see it as being about you not being able to write. Whether or not the balance of the book adds up to something the market is dying to read is another matter, but I wouldn't see this as being a problem

Good luck

Crash_Tomas · 04-14-2008, 01:09 PM

If you've ever read a book with dialogue, then you should have a general idea of what it is supposed to look like. There is quoting someone, so you have to have "Hey!" and if you want the tag line, you have to use commas. "Hi," she said." If you would have an action or movement tag at the end, you'd need a period. "Hi." She waved to me.

there are a lot of ways for it to work, cos if your character is talking to themself, and not out loud, then you can use italics to represent or nothing at all. If you have them talking out loud, then you can have the dialogue along with the tags. "What's going on here?" I asked myself. or: "I've got to get to the basement," I said to myself. and even the action, where it's obvious the character is not talking to someone else, but to themself.

Pick up any book and study the different circumstances. You can learn tons if you really pay attention and study the content of the sentences. Structure and mechanics are there, but most people don't really recognize the small things. My opinion: Writer's should love detail.

hope this helped~

Just Jim · 04-14-2008, 01:30 PM

Hey Tony, I'm still struggling to get clean dialog, but I have a comment anyway. It reads very well and natural. You have some narrative in there to break it up.

The discussion covers five or six subjects (fiance, gig, birthday, job, doctor ). That seems a lot without a block of narrative to break it up. I've heard that if an editor sees pages full of dialog, or several pages with no dialog, they'll stop reading it. I've also been told that dialog should (must) move the story forward. This seems to be moving in too many directions at once.

Crash_Tomas · 04-14-2008, 01:35 PM

dialogue, Jim, lol. I know it's shorter. but it's just two more letters and they're so close to "g" dialogue. dialogue. haha.

but yeah, I agree with Jim 100%. It does cover a lot of subjects. But, so do some conversations I have in everyday life.

Truth-Teller · 04-14-2008, 03:52 PM

I'm having trouble figuring out who's talking to whom.

You should clean that up.

Tony Bell · 04-15-2008, 02:17 PM

Thank you for the comments. It really helps for people not connected to me to look at it and give their views. I've taken notice of what you've all said, so I'll make the changes.

Tony