jakelauer

Alright, this is how it works:

I need to know if that's the right way to cut from the dialogue and back. I need to have him gesture to the lodgings, and when I envision that moment as if it were a movie, I see him pausing right there and gesturing before he starts talking again. Is there are better way to do this? Is it even grammatically correct?

Sam Winchester

"It has the power to extract me from my" - he gestured at his makeshift lodgings - "current situation.

I think that's how it's done. I don't know if the comma after 'lodgings' is necessary either.

Sam.

Edit: On second thought: no need for the comma.

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jakelauer

That certainly looks better than what I had. I'll put that in and ask my writing teacher tomorrow. Thanks!

Non Serviam

What Sam wrote without the comma. But why not just write:

"It can extract me from my current situation." He gestured at his makeshift lodgings. "Say, what's that you've got in the case?"

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Born naked, helpless, unable to care for himself and completely open-minded, Non Serviam has subsequently surmounted all these difficulties and gone on to become a decently-clothed, self-sufficient, close-minded sod.

winner

"We are NOT taking it in," she countered as she glanced over her shoulder at the woman behind her, "at this time of night!"

Any opinions on improving this dialogue.

Are the commas appropriate. I have always written like that but I don't like it. Although no one has ever complained or even pointed it out to me.

jakelauer

Because of the following:

1) The man is British, with purposely flowery diction (thus the "power to extract" instead of "can extract)

2) He's a homeless man, and he was just introduced into the story, so without the gesture in the middle of the speech, the "situation" he's referring to is unclear.

3) He's referring to music, so "extract" isn't literal. He means the music can make him feel like he isn't in the situation he is in (being homeless). It's much clearer in context.

winner

Are you actually putting in dashes ( - ) in your dialogue or did you just write it like that for the forum? I don't think that's correct.

Non Serviam

He's your character, write the dialogue however you wish. Personally I'm British and I'd say "can" rather than "has the power to", but, it's up to you.

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Born naked, helpless, unable to care for himself and completely open-minded, Non Serviam has subsequently surmounted all these difficulties and gone on to become a decently-clothed, self-sufficient, close-minded sod.

jakelauer

Well yes, I know a normal, everyday person would probably say can. The character is supposed to be an old man, and I'm trying to make him sound philosophical, if that makes sense. I mean, yes, I know one of the most important things to do in writing is make sure you aren't using unnecessary words to make something sound more "educated," and that isn't what I'm trying to do. Not disagreeing with you here, just noting that I understand what you're saying and that, in this particular instance, I'm breaking that rule on purpose.

jakelauer

Actually, on second thought...

I think I'll edit it to say "It can metaphorically extract me from my" - he gestured at his makeshift lodgings - "current situation."

I'll still leave the stuff in the middle there, because if I make it:
"It can extract me from my current situation." He gestured at his makeshift lodgings. "Say, what's that you've got in the case?"

then it sounds like the gesture is related the the question about the case instead of the metaphoric extraction.

Thanks!

EDIT: One more change. I think I'll change it to "It can metaphorically extract me" - he gestured at his makeshift lodgings - "from my current situation."

This sounds better (at the moment). Tell me what you think.

Talia_Brie

Or:

he gestured at his markshift lodgings. "It can extract me from my current situation.

"What's that ..."

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Talia_Brie

I don't think you should break into the sentance like that at all. It's jarring for the reader. Put the gesture either before or after the speech, not in the middle.

That's just me. NS's version was very good. Let the reader deliver the line.

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Mike C

I agree, on both points. If you think the gesturing makes the reader think he's referring to the case, you're assuming the reader is stupid. Generally if you have to ask if a sentence works, whether dialogue or otherwise, it doesn't, and rather than just moving your m-dashes around, you're better off rewriting completely.

Sam's revision is technically correct, but it doesn't stop it being an awkward line.

Try messing it about; remember, you're not writing a screenplay, it doesn't work the same way, so dramatic pauses have to be indicated differently. As Talia says, it's jarring for the reader as you've written it, it takes you out of the moment. If you want a pause, does he even need to finish the sentence?

"It has the power to extract me from my-” he gestured apologetically at his makeshift lodgings and shrugged. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

Or "It has the power to extract me from my, ah, current situation". He gestured at his makeshift lodgings. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

Or "It has the power to extract me from my current situation".

The guy with the case could see from the makeshift lodgings that the old man had fallen on hard times. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

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CodeRed

Wow - this advice is timely! I was writing something today where I did exactly the same thing as the OP.

Thanks, is all I can say.

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lin

This is NOT the way a hyphen is used.

This is a legitimate use of ellipsis (more properly known as "dot dot dot") Despite recent hysteria against its use, this is a place where you use it.

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