Advice on how to do this dialogue - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Dawnstorm · 04-02-2008, 11:42 AM

I've seen the hyphen within and without the quotes, and I've seen ellipses, too.

Personally, I'd prefer the ellipsis here, because there's a pause while he's gesturing (I think).

I utterly disagree that you should never do this. In some styles, it's important to break the speech at exactly the right point to indicate body language. None of all your amendments give me the same impression, jake's (however punctuated) did. I consider none of them an improvement, either. Non Serviam's too smooth; it changes the writing style. Glossy paper, if you know what I mean. Mike's retain the style, but change the character's communication habits.

Dan · 04-02-2008, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jakelauer

Alright, this is how it works:

I need to know if that's the right way to cut from the dialogue and back. I need to have him gesture to the lodgings, and when I envision that moment as if it were a movie, I see him pausing right there and gesturing before he starts talking again. Is there are better way to do this? Is it even grammatically correct?

I agree 100% with lin and Dawnstorm. I don't think I've ever seen it the way Sam has it, but I haven't read everything ever written.

"It has the power to extract me from my..." he gestured at his makeshift lodgings "...current situation." That relays everything (setting, tone, even a bit of humor) that you want to tell the reader, as far as I'm concerned. Commas would probably get the job done, too.

Mike C · 04-02-2008, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dawnstorm

Personally, I'd prefer the ellipsis here, because there's a pause while he's gesturing (I think).

I'd agree on the ellipses. I'd also agree that this isn't something you shouldn't do - a pause in speech to indicate something is quite natural - but this particular implementation was clumsy and needs... Mike stares into space for a moment, pensive... something. If you read a sentence and it doesn't feel right, sometimes attacking it from a different direction works better than trying to fix what's broken.

winner · 04-02-2008, 01:00 PM

"It has the power to extract me from my-” he gestured at his makeshift lodgings, “-current situation. Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

I have found it is best to write words or sentences that require little or no need to interpret. That is if you are writing for the general public. Write in a simplistic yet hopefully intriguing manner. Intrigue keeps the reader reading on.

Here is a simple put together. I only spent two minutes on it, so don't look upon it as law. But here is an idea of how to do it.

"It has the power needed to pull me out of my ...," he paused a moment, looking at his crude lodgings, "current situation".

Then he noticed the odd looking case the gentleman was carrying.

"Say ... what you got in that case?"

Sam Winchester · 04-02-2008, 02:29 PM

You don't need the comma after the first ellipsis, winner.

Dan - I actually saw that way in a book I was reading last night, so I just went back to clarify it - that's exactly the way it was done. I don't know if that should be taken as the Holy Writ, but it's as good a guide as one is likely to get.

Sam.

Dan · 04-02-2008, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Winchester

You don't need the comma after the first ellipsis, winner.

Dan - I actually saw that way in a book I was reading last night, so I just went back to clarify it - that's exactly the way it was done. I don't know if that should be taken as the Holy Writ, but it's as good a guide as one is likely to get.

Sam.

No, you're wrong. WRONG, I TELLS YA!!!

winner · 04-02-2008, 04:39 PM

Is it even grammatically correct?

Punctuation marks are the road signs placed along the highway of our communication - to control speeds, provide directions, and prevent head-on collisions.

1) A period has the unblinking finality of a red light.

2) The comma is a flashing yellow light that asks us only
to slow down.

3) The semicolon is a stop sign that tells us to ease
gradually to a halt, before gradually starting up again.

Hope you find this helpful.

jakelauer · 04-03-2008, 01:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

I agree, on both points. If you think the gesturing makes the reader think he's referring to the case, you're assuming the reader is stupid. Generally if you have to ask if a sentence works, whether dialogue or otherwise, it doesn't, and rather than just moving your m-dashes around, you're better off rewriting completely.

Sam's revision is technically correct, but it doesn't stop it being an awkward line.

Try messing it about; remember, you're not writing a screenplay, it doesn't work the same way, so dramatic pauses have to be indicated differently. As Talia says, it's jarring for the reader as you've written it, it takes you out of the moment. If you want a pause, does he even need to finish the sentence?

"It has the power to extract me from my-” he gestured apologetically at his makeshift lodgings and shrugged. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

Or "It has the power to extract me from my, ah, current situation". He gestured at his makeshift lodgings. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

Or "It has the power to extract me from my current situation".

The guy with the case could see from the makeshift lodgings that the old man had fallen on hard times. "Say, what’s that you’ve got in that case?”

Man, that is outstanding. I'm definitely going to change it to one of those.

jakelauer · 04-03-2008, 02:53 AM

This is what I changed it to:

Quote:

The harmony in his pieces is marvelously dark. It gives me the feeling of being outside myself; it extracts me from-” he gestured apologetically at his makeshift lodgings and shrugged.

The shrug and the word "apologetically" really sealed it for me, thanks Mike!

Mike C · 04-03-2008, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jakelauer

This is what I changed it to:

The shrug and the word "apologetically" really sealed it for me, thanks Mike!

Glad to have helped, but I'd still follow Dawnstorm's suggestion and use ... rather than -.
It's one of those things where grammar takes a back seat to flow - the ellipsis suggests a trailing off of voice, whereas the em-dash is more suggestive of something more abrupt.