Let's bash Hitler in this forum too....

[The Backward OX]

....well, that got your attention, didn't it?

Sorry, but there's lots of competition on this board.


Ok, let’s assume I want to grab the readers’ attention from the first words of my story. In my mind, I perceive a link between Adolf Hitler and one of my characters, and decide to use this link as my attention-grabbing gambit.

The link is tenuous in the extreme – it vanishes after four lines - however the way I presently see the story starting, it’s all I’ve got. Some of you might even say “Why bother? It’s corny.”

So now I need your help. Can it be given more pizzaz? And if so, how? Or is it the type of narrative that simply can’t be messed with? I’ll run on a bit, to give you some context, if it helps. Here ‘tis:

(If it looks familiar, you’re right – it’s been around, but without the questions)


Adolf Hitler and the murderer-to-be had something in common.

They each made their mark on society in 1936.

Hitler opened the Berlin Olympic Games.

And the murderer-to-be came into the world.

It had been a difficult birth, and the attending doctor found the use of forceps briefly necessary. Furthermore, he was born with a form of hereditary skeletal dysplasia that eventually was to render him unable to walk properly.

When he was four, his parents arranged for orthopaedic treatment in the hope of correcting the condition. This was partially successful, although he continued to walk, and run, with an awkward gait. Consequently he was unable to participate effectively in physical play activities, which in turn led to social isolation from, and ridicule by, other boys in the neighbourhood.

However, by the time he was six, he’d become more than just vaguely aware of the “female-ness’’ of girls. His perception (not that he could have found the words) was that, generally, they were more caring, gentler and less inclined to rough-and-tumble activities. Consequently, it was only natural that he would gravitate towards them. In time, one girl in particular made an impression. Sue was also six, tall for her age, slender, and had blue eyes and fair curly hair. She was quiet, seemed friendly and appeared to like his company, preferring to sit and talk rather than jump and run.

Comment?

[Foxee]

That's one way to do it, certainly. Though when you cut through the 'noise' of anything - a forum, radio waves, television, make sure that the attention you are about to receive is actually the kind of attention that you want.

There's a difference between 'cutting through the noise' and 'false advertising', you know? Your post title rides the hairy edge of false advertising. But, still...you got me and this is a pretty good question.

My first question is what are you planning to do from here? Are you going to give readers the murder's identity right off or does that come later?

Hmm...I suppose the first four lines are more attention-grabbing than 'Harold was a quiet boy' (or whatever his name is going to be) although even that simple sentence may draw the reader in. It also gives your murderer-to-be a name.

Unless, of course, you're building a hook wherein the identity is left for later. If you're doing that then get rid of some of the physical characteristics (you can describe the skeletal dysplasia later, perhaps, when you're closer to revealing him) so that readers won't guess him so easily.

While grabbing attention is extremely important, so is building a certain reader sympathy with your murderer. You're painting a picture of a boy who has physical problems and will grow to an abhorrent adulthood. If you do it well, we'll feel a tug of horror that he chooses that destiny, a sense of loss.

It's difficult for me to pinpoint advice more than that without knowing what you aim to do with it.

[streetkid]

I'm not sure what you're doing, but if it involves using Hitler (or any other historical figure) as a prop for shoddy character development, I'd stay away from it.

Right now, it screams 'gimmick', and I'm more turned off by the compare/contrast thing you're doing than interested in reading more of the story. It's pretty distracting.

Besides that, were I to continue reading the story, I'd always picture the other character as Hitler, regardless of how you described him later. I wouldn't use this technique at all, to be honest.

I think you should just create a character who can stand on his or her own, without having half the work done by comparing him or her to someone everyone already knows (and despises). Otherwise, the entire story might well be overshadowed by a poorly-chosen allusion.

[RomanticRose]

My problem with this is that in the first line you have destroyed any chance of this character being a sympathetic character. No matter what his childhood problems, you have him linked with Hitler and already identified him as a murderer.

If you simply must have a Hitler link, perhaps make it later, in his teen years maybe, he could start to identify with Hitler, when he feels the first murderous urges. Make the link happen after he has been scarred by the difficulties of his childhood.

Some awkward sentence construction and several instances of unnecessary verbage are distracting.

Just my tuppence, your mileage may vary,
Rosalinda

[valeca]

I didn't like the link. I think it could work, don't get me wrong, but I think Hitler is the wrong choice in this case. You're trying to draw a link between one of history's greatest villains and a run-of-the-mill-murderer. The scale seems a bit off there. Grandiose, y'know? Add to that you're saying the birth of this boy made its mark on society, then go on to talk about a rather unremarkable childhood. There's nothing there to support your opening. He may make his mark later with whatever nastiness he perpetrates, but the link between his birth, making his mark, and Hitler really have nothing to do with each other and tends to scream 'gimmick!'

If you're set on going the route of using an identifiable figure, consider using someone more comparable (if you can find one in that time frame).

[Foxee]

Agree with Val but her comments made me think of something a little different.

If the boy identifies himself with Hitler - rather than having the narrator do it - it could work as a delusion of grandeur.

[The Backward OX]

Mmm. You've all given me more to think about than I bargained for. Thanks to all.

[Olly Buckle]

The general idea screams gimmick, the particular format screams Ox gimmick. So, what's wrong with that, it's individual and it works?

[Foxee]

...and it works?

That would be the debatable part.

[Mike C]

Originally Posted by WordWeaver

Comparing Jack The Ripper to Hitler would work I think, as they both shared the same ideals.

What an incredibly stupid thing to say. What were the ripper's ideals, exactly? Nobody knows.

I think the concept could work quite well, because you could take it anywhere. Maybe the murderer is a nice guy who reaches high political office and learns that political expediency sometimes makes murder necessary. Maybe even on a huge scale.

I think it would be possible and interesting to create a sympathetic character, albeit weighed down by the inevitability (or not) of the original comparison.

[The Backward OX]

Originally Posted by WordWeaver

If you read a bit more about Jack The Ripper and some of his letters

You actually believe that? You really believe his identity is known?

I’d love to be the salesman when you come around to buy a used car. “Yup, only done ten thousand miles, and owned by a little old lady who only drove it on Sundays, to go to church.”

Or maybe I'll be your girl-friend - "I can't get pregnant. I'm on the Pill."

Boofheads like you’d believe anything.

[The Backward OX]

Originally Posted by WordWeaver

When did I say his identity is known? I said his motivations were obvious, as he explained them in his letters. Reading, once again, is an invaluable tool.

There is no 100% certainty that the letters are genuine. Believe them to be so if you will; me, I have an open mind.

[The Backward OX]

Olly was right. It was a gimmick. And I wish I’d never started the goddamn thread, as it’s been nothing but one misinterpretation after the other. Even with the comment that it was an attention-grabbing gambit, plus the clue that the link, tenuous as it was, vanished entirely after four lines, it was still misunderstood.

Cease. Desist.

ps For those of you still sufficiently curious to try and figure out what the hell I was driving at, the only link was the year.

[valeca]

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Cease. Desist.

ps For those of you still sufficiently curious to try and figure out what the hell I was driving at, the only link was the year.

I recommend you do cease and desist, OX. People took your 'story' question at face value and offered their thoughts on it in an effort to help a fellow 'writer'. That's what we do here. If you wish to continue playing asinine games to stroke your ego, take it to another forum and kindly stop wasting our time.

[The Backward OX]

I dunno what’s wrong with you lot.

1. I post a perfectly genuine query. I’ll repeat that for those who have difficulty focussing – I. Post. A. Perfectly. Genuine. Query.

2. I am misunderstood.

3. Even so, I maintain a low profile – until the last straw, in the form of WW’s response.

4. Then I react. Point out in easy-to-follow steps how, by rushing through my OP in your haste to get your own take on things into print, you missed what I was driving at.

5. And then you can’t handle it? Blame me for your own shortcomings?

6. Yes, to repeat, it was a perfectly genuine query. I have chapters of this story scattered all over my pc, in all levels of completion, and I’m working to cobble them together, and then this. Thanks heaps.