Small problem (ie: I'm running in circles) - Writers Forum

assassin · 07-16-2007, 05:29 AM

It's strange that I can write a more intimate scene for the one that follows this, but I can't seem to find the right words to decribe what's going on here.

All I have is this sitting in it's place, highlighted in horrible red:
"He felt like a man dying of thirst while a forbidden fountain sat before him, but a man does not see death as a risk when he would die without water anyway and he meant to drink deep."
If you can't guess. He's just been kissed by a girl waaaaay outta his league and well ... I think you can gather where it's going from there.
It feels kinda corny to me, like something's missing from it, but I can't for the life of me think what.

What I'm trying to find is a site or book that can help. Or maybe someone here can spot the rotten piece and tell me so I can happily destroy it.

Thanking in advance for anyone who can help.
~ Assassin

PS: If anybody comes up with smut as an answer, I shall warn you here and now that I'll slap you upside the head with a wet fish. I've already been there and written that. Not for this story, but yea. Wet fish, you heard me.

Azmakna · 07-16-2007, 05:31 AM

Quote:

It feels kinda corny to me, like something's missing from it, but I can't for the life of me think what.

it's not whats missing, it's what's there.

Mike C · 07-16-2007, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

it's not whats missing, it's what's there.

I agree. Why not just say "She was out of his league, and he knew it."?

assassin · 07-16-2007, 05:59 AM

... I shouldn't start topics just before bedtime. It just leads to me going to bed late.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

it's not whats missing, it's what's there.

I know the words aren't right. They're a sort of filler for the right ones. So take them as a crudy example, if you will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

Why not just say "She was out of his league, and he knew it."?

... I have three reasons for that one.
1. Because by this point in the story (a chapter or two from the end) it's kinda obvious and has already been said a number of times.
2. I don't like making the same point twice in a chapter unless I really need to. There are many exceptions, this ain't one of them.
3. In my mind, that line is cliche to hell. After spending months alone with her and then finally this ... he's beyond caring about that sort of thing.

Hope that clarifies things a bit more.

Mike C · 07-16-2007, 06:07 AM

Then you need to find a new way of writing (and not overwriting) the scene.

Put yourself in his shoes. Ever kissed a girl you thought was out of your reach? How did you feel?

Azmakna · 07-16-2007, 08:19 AM

Quote:

1. Because by this point in the story (a chapter or two from the end) it's kinda obvious and has already been said a number of times.

then leave it unsaid. the character will be imbued with undertone and the reader will feel without being told to.

2. I don't like making the same point twice in a chapter unless I really need to. There are many exceptions, this ain't one of them.

3. In my mind, that line is cliche to hell. After spending months alone with her and then finally this ... he's beyond caring about that sort of thing.

trust your mind. there are times when this sort of writing works, but refined to hell and within a consistent voice. i sometimes attempt this and end up giving myself a right telling off, curse at the screen and consider myself a crap writer. it goes away when i simplify though.

assassin · 07-16-2007, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

Then you need to find a new way of writing (and not overwriting) the scene.
Put yourself in his shoes. Ever kissed a girl you thought was out of your reach? How did you feel?

Personally? No. But I'll ask my husband.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

1. Because by this point in the story (a chapter or two from the end) it's kinda obvious and has already been said a number of times.

then leave it unsaid. the character will be imbued with undertone and the reader will feel without being told to.

Maybe you're right about that. I can only remember it being mentioned twice (or is it thrice?) during the whole story. Is that considered enough?

Azmakna · 07-16-2007, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assassin

Personally? No. But I'll ask my husband.

Maybe you're right about that. I can only remember it being mentioned twice (or is it thrice?) during the whole story. Is that considered enough?

you can do it without saying it at all... show it

KyleColorado · 07-17-2007, 12:25 AM

It`s an interesting simile, but I agree that it does seem weak. It`s overtelling. You can probably better accomplish this by moving the story along. Let the movement of your characters show it, instead of telling it.

assassin · 07-17-2007, 03:06 AM

Yes. I think the problem is that it's also the end of a chapter. But I will go with the suggestion of leaving it unsaid.

I know I've already done an advanced thank you, but I shall say it again.
Thank you.