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| Tips & Advice Share your tips, tricks and advice. |
04-28-2007, 04:00 PM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Gender: Private
Posts: 28
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Story has been deleted for privacy.
Story has been deleted for privacy.
Graham_H
__________________
The world of fantasy grew through me.
Last edited by Graham_H : 05-04-2007 at 04:02 PM.
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04-28-2007, 04:40 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Sep 2004
Gender: Private
Posts: 1,748
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Not an awful lot there to comment on, Graham H, but it seems you've something in mind, so why not write some more?
Cheers,
Rob
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04-28-2007, 05:09 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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you do realise that you have called your hero 'Bladder' lol. i would seriously think of a different name for him.
overall i think you need to rethink that paragraph. you seem in too much of a rush to explain and perhaps this could be a whole chapter of showing. not entirely convinced by the tone either... sorry... i've tried and failed myself in this area. Tolkein does it so well, but that's because his tone is his second language
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
Last edited by Azmakna : 04-28-2007 at 05:21 PM.
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04-29-2007, 10:42 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 476
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Graham_H
six existing types of race had formed throughout the everlasting period of the magical globe: warrior, archer, ritualist, monk, elementalist and gladiator.
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Seems to me you've taken too much from Role playing computer games here. If this is just an idea then you've obviously got some ideas and as Rob said above, just write it all out. However if this is a beginning of a story then stop and rethink things. Tell us the story and let the facts come when we need to know them and if we need to know them.
- Dookie - |
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04-29-2007, 12:10 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 654
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Info dump. I wouldn't continue reading.
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04-29-2007, 02:02 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Krim
Info dump. I wouldn't continue reading.
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although i would have worded this differently, i have to agree. i see this sort of thing all the time: one paragraph that could be a whole chapter!
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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