What is wrong with this sentence? - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Jolly McJollyson · 12-05-2006, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stewart

I take it the typo was your addition?

We'll assume so.

Siglark · 12-05-2006, 03:18 PM

Yes, the typo was my addition. Sorry, I forgot to say so. And yes, Mike, this sentence out of context loses almost all meaning, which was my intention: to get at the grammar of the sentence, not the meaning.

mammamaia · 12-06-2006, 11:16 AM

thing is, sig... grammar, back in the days when that was written, was quite different from the standards of today... so, you/we can't really judge it by what we know to be 'correct' nowadays... homer, shakespeare, melville, or poe probably wouldn't make it into print today, either...

Siglark · 12-06-2006, 02:10 PM

True. I think that Hemmingway's style has profoundly changed the basics of grammer of the English language, making older texts much less accessible. As I previously stated, I was trying to find exactly why, grammatically, this text was so inaccesible to me. Once again, thanks.

mammamaia · 12-07-2006, 11:00 AM

it was most probably inaccessible to you, because you haven't a solid grounding in the classics, which would have familiarized [and enured!] you to the vagaries and complexities of much earlier writing styles... i was reading the iliad and the odyssey, along with the complete works of shakespeare at around 9, while also enjoying nancy drew and the hardy boys... so, none of that fancy stuff fazes me...

you should dip into the classics... it's never too late!

Siglark · 12-07-2006, 02:28 PM

I have begun my inundation with the classics. I got my first taste sophmore year and was repulsed, but now, in my senior year of high school, between my AP Lit class and my humanities at the nearby community college, I have encountered countless short stories (but only from the Enlightenment onwards). There is great merit in this prose, and I'm sure it will aid me as a writer, but I doubt that the style of the writers will ever be easily accessible to me. Except, for some reason, Shakespeare, which I have begun to read outside of class (Othello, at the moment), which I can understand without any incident. I wonder why.

On a small side note, just something that I've been wondering about, why do you (maia) have Delicate Arch as your image?

terrib · 12-07-2006, 02:45 PM

Siglark, remember to make more sentences when you having difficulty
try this- I listened doubtfully for an instant, detecting the disturber. Then
slightly turning, I fitfully dozed, dreaming again, more disturbed than ever.
hope this helps, Terri

crystan01 · 12-07-2006, 02:48 PM

Does there need to be so many semi-colons? Like do you have a word limit? I'd suggest stretching it out just a little bit to preserve pacing, if word limit isn't an issue.

"I listened in doubt until I detected the disturber. Then I turned over, dozed, and dreamed again - if possible, more disagreeably than before."

the "still" doesn't even need to be there in your original sentence.

I've read that agents and publishers have a dislike for stories that are gunked up with extra adverbs, adjectives, and punctuation. It makes it hard to read. Maybe simpler is better?

Jolly McJollyson · 12-07-2006, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crystan01

I've read that agents and publishers have a dislike for stories that are gunked up with extra adverbs, adjectives, and punctuation. It makes it hard to read. Maybe simpler is better?

I don't think this has to worry about being published in the future.

crystan01 · 12-07-2006, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jolly McJollyson

I don't think this has to worry about being published in the future.

The point is not whether this sentence will be published in the future. The point is that if siglark ever wants to get published, and he's young and probably will one of these days, he should be aware of what many grammar teachers - along with agents and publishers - are going to say.

Siglark, the point of what I was trying to say, is that sometimes simple is better. Writers want to convey meaning with eloquence, and it can be done using simple structure just as easily as complex structure.

Jolly McJollyson · 12-07-2006, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crystan01

The point is not whether this sentence will be published in the future. The point is that if siglark ever wants to get published, and he's young and probably will one of these days, he should be aware of what many grammar teachers - along with agents and publishers - are going to say.

Siglark, the point of what I was trying to say, is that sometimes simple is better. Writers want to convey meaning with eloquence, and it can be done using simple structure just as easily as complex structure.

What I meant was the sentence has already been published. It's from Wuthering Heights

Siglark · 12-07-2006, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crystan01

The point is not whether this sentence will be published in the future. The point is that if siglark ever wants to get published, and he's young and probably will one of these days, he should be aware of what many grammar teachers - along with agents and publishers - are going to say.

Siglark, the point of what I was trying to say, is that sometimes simple is better. Writers want to convey meaning with eloquence, and it can be done using simple structure just as easily as complex structure.

I completely agree- in fact, that's my point.
Please see Jolly's post

aspiring · 12-08-2006, 09:07 AM

LOL. Why don't you all read page 2 and see why this argument is now redundant?

mammamaia · 12-08-2006, 12:37 PM

sig... the sw american desert is one of my 2 soul-homes on this planet and i'm currently living back on its fringes, in southern california... thus, the avatar is in homage to one example of the awesome beauty of the region...

Siglark · 12-08-2006, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

sig... the sw american desert is one of my 2 soul-homes on this planet and i'm currently living back on its fringes, in southern california... thus, the avatar is in homage to one example of the awesome beauty of the region...

Very cool. I visited Arches national park for the first time this fall and I was awed by the massiveness of nature. I live at the foot of the Rockies and often hike and ski, but I have never seen such great increases in elevation is such a short distance. If you don't mind my asking, what is your other soul-home?