A Minor Revision Question - Writers Forum

Siglark · 11-12-2006, 05:58 PM

This passage is driving me mad: "The last of the sun’s rays filtered through the small window in Clyde’s office the day after the radio conversation, but for Clyde, it was already dark. The light couldn’t illuminate the secret Clyde searched for, searching deep into his memories."
What can I do with this to make this sound better?

pgoroncy · 11-12-2006, 06:48 PM

Maybe try: The day after the radio conversation, the last of the sun's rays filtered through the small window in Clyde's office, but for Clyde, it was already dark.

aspiring · 11-13-2006, 02:07 AM

Agree with pgoroncy, but I would probably use a full stop after 'office' simply to break up the sentence.

mwd · 11-13-2006, 03:30 AM

I'd probably mess around with it to produce something like:

It was the day after the radio conversation, the last rays of the sun filtering through the window in Clyde's office, but to him it seemed it was already dark. No amount of light could illuminate the secret he searched for, deep in his memories.

But really, you'll have to make some sort of decision about this yourself. When it comes down to it there are probably as many ways to rewrite this as there are writers. Which way you rewrite it will likely depend on the tone and voice of your work so far--no matter how nice sounding something is, if it doesn't match the voice of your story it should be changed or removed.

A few comments about the words themselves, though:

Is there any way you can rephrase 'radio conversation'? It just seems an odd way of describing an event. Also it kind of sounds a little awkward to my ear.

Why is the sun 'filtering' through the window? It seems the sun always filters through windows. It does it so often it almost strikes me as cliche, as a weak verb choice that is instinctual but usually not the best word for the job.

What secret is he searching for? Being as specific as possible is usually more interesting, and more evocative for the reader. While he's searching through his memory, what sort of images is that bringing to mind?

But yeah. Not sure if you wanted this indepth of comments. Feel free to take them or leave them.

mammamaia · 11-13-2006, 09:39 AM

what's a 'radio conversation'?... two people talking over short wave?

the passage has serious problems... starting with trying to cram too much into one sentence, including a sun that's dying forever, not just the day... and then the second sentence's scrambled syntax, that makes the light be what's searching clyde's memories... plus, one can't search for a secret... you can only try to 'find out' what it is, or try to 'uncover' one... here's just one way to clear up the mess:

Quote:

"The last of the day's light filtered through the small window in Clyde’s office. Thanks to yesterday's radio conversation [?], life was already dark for Clyde. Not even the brightest noonday sunshine could shed any light on the secret Clyde sought to unearth. No matter how deeply he delved into his memories, it still eluded him."

that's just one way and not the best, imo... first of all it's not at all clear who is keeping a secret, clyde or someone else... is clyde trying to keep something a secret, or to remember something he'd forgotten?...

Mike C · 11-13-2006, 10:21 AM

It was getting dark, and Clyde still hadn't found what he was looking for.

Keep it simple.

Emerson Darkness · 11-13-2006, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

It was getting dark, and Clyde still hadn't found what he was looking for.

Keep it simple.

Like it!!!
Really sets things up for the actually important action.

Dawnstorm · 11-13-2006, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siglark

"The last of the sun’s rays

Last: progression of time (more ray's earlier; no rays later); image of light fading (Problem: you use a cliché to say this; too many words for a well worn effect; better, perhaps: The sun's last rays)

sun's rays: interesting choice ("sun rays" is a perfectly good word, so why not use it? - possible answer: emphasis of sun - personification; little is made of this though)

Quote:

filtered through the small window in Clyde’s office

An office, and only a small window? And even filters what little light there's left? Poor Clyde! (continuation of "little light image")

Quote:

the day after the radio conversation,

Another time level: Clyde had/heard a radio conversation the day before. Hm, I wonder why this is interesting. (Do we know about the conversation at that point in the text?)

Thematically it is a digression: it diverts from the light-imagery you've set up. Bad timing.

Quote:

but for Clyde, it was already dark.

Vague, and not productively so. It's not even certain that this is metaphoric (as Clyde might be visually impaired in some way). [Although, if at that point we already know Clyde, that would change the reading ]

Quote:

The light couldn’t illuminate the secret Clyde searched for,

The return of light-imagery, but this time metaphoric rather than literally. Also explains the previous sentence (although the previous sentence adds little to nothing to this sentence, so you might thinking of dropping "but for... ...dark."

Quote:

searching deep into his memories."

A qualifier. Aha. So: Sunrays fail to help Clyde remember.

****

Question: Why the illumination metaphor? How you re-write this depends - in part - on the answer of the question.

Also, you might want to turn the sun into an agent. (You hint at it, but make little of it.)

And finally, how do "memories" and the "radio conversation the day before" connect? This may also be important for the re-write.

As it is, with imperfect knowledge, I'd summarise the passage thus:

Clyde sits in his office. A radio conversation has triggered questions. Hints can be found in memories that aren't readily accessible. Clyde notices the sun vanishing and is reminded of the "illumination-trope", thinking sarcastically how the sun didn't help. (Unless the "illumination-trope" is actually a narrative technique attributed to the narrator's point of view, rather than to Clyde's, in which case the narrator's voice would be important in assessing how to read the passage, but I haven't got enough information to guess.) Does the radio conversation have anything to do with Clyde's job? Is he staying on to do personal stuff in his office? Is he an employee, or an enterpreneur who can only afford small-windowed officices?

Bearing all this in mind, a precorsory edit:

Quote:

The sun's last rays filtered through the small window. But their light couldn’t illuminate the secret Clyde searched for deep within his memories.

Not yet satisfactory, but dropped most ballast. You may emamphasise your point, that the sun doesn't help, by adding a line about Clyde's darkness ("It might as well be dark," or something), although I wouldn't.

Next, bring in setting, introduce the radio conversation and show what Clyde is/should be doing in his office.

***

Hope this helps.

Siglark · 11-13-2006, 12:52 PM

Thank you, everyone.
Mike: You are right, simplicity is key. I wish to by a bit more literary during this part becuase I haven't had much imagery yet in the story.
Mia: You are correct about the definition of radio conversation. You have many good passages. I think I will do something based off of what you said, changed a bit, tho
MWD: Correct, correct, correct. I should use different words and be more specific. The thing about the secret is that the reader should know what it is at that point but the character doesn't, so I don't want to state it outright, as we are delving into his head in that section. You have good points.
Here's what I'm thinking now.

Quote:

Clyde sat in his cramped, cluttered office watching the last of the day's light filter through the window, but for him it was already dark. The meager rays could not penetrate the darkness of his mind. Something from his talk with the Cult eluded him. He replayed the words, trying to identify the unexpected nuances of the conversation. Something was not right.

The paragraph continues, and this leads well into the next thought.

Mike C · 11-13-2006, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siglark

Mike: You are right, simplicity is key. I wish to by a bit more literary during this part becuase I haven't had much imagery yet in the story.

There lies the problem - you're trying too hard to be 'literary', and it shows in an over-elaborste, strained sentence structure.

Cut the frills, and focus in on what's important - telling a story.

mammamaia · 11-14-2006, 11:08 AM

that's the most common problem i see in beginning writers' work... trying so hard to be 'literary' they don't write coherently... being 'reader-friendly' should always come before being 'literary'... that's what the very best of 'literature' is, you know...

Cynic · 11-14-2006, 02:16 PM

Most of what I'd have mentioned has already been said. As it pertains to the original phrasing, however, I also wanted to point that it also sort of gives the impression that the sun had failed to set the first day, and waited until the next one. It's an odd thing for me to think, but somehow I just get that impression every time I read it. POV is all-important, IMO. Never make the reader to a double take.

I'd also like to agree with the notion that you shouldn't try to "be literary". One thing people forget about the great literary works they try to emulate is that they're mostly old. In their day, those passages sounded normal, if eloquent. Today, they sound eloquent, but not normal. And a failure to sound normal leads to readers focusing on your style, not your story.