How do you show a character is thinking to himself? - Writers Forum

ChrispyChicken · 10-31-2006, 12:30 PM

In my creative writing class I had to write a "scary story". I can't speak for how scary it actually was, but anyway. Throughout the story I have the main character, Mark, thinking to himself. In the copy I turned in, I had simply tagged most of these instances with the phrase "Mark thought". Became kind of repetative after a while.

So, how do you make this type of thing distinct? I considered italicizing it, but I'm not sure that's the correct thing to do. Here's a bit of the story so you can see what I mean.

----

The phone rang.

Hmph! Thought Mark. Not a chance buddy! I got off a full twenty-five seconds ago, and no way am I answering that phone call! Too late!

Mark glanced at the caller I.D.

Anthony F. Graton. Great. Just awesome. Punk probably wants me to check out a beach house halfway across the country in Florida or a log cabin up in the Carolinas. And knowing him it’d have to be done before the end of the weekend. Just his style. Unfortunately, he was also the biggest paying customer that his firm had, and Mark’s boss would have his head if he didn’t pick up the phone, especially since he had trusted Mark enough to give him full responsibility of Mr. Anthony F. Graton. Mr. Graton had a peculiar way of finding out who messed up around him and reporting it to just the right person. Several of Mark’s co-workers had already met their demise at his hands.

“Hello, this is Mark Pantoli speaking, real estate agent for Texas Homes. How can I be of service?”

"Good afternoon, Mr. Pantoli. Anthony Graton here, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor this afternoon.”

“Of course Mr. Graton, what can I do for you?” Mark heaved a silent sigh, already regretting picking up the phone. He’d be spending the rest of the afternoon working on this “small favor” for him. Maybe I can just hang up now, he thought. So what if I get fired? I won’t have to deal with this guy anymore, at least.

daisydaisy · 10-31-2006, 12:40 PM

Yeah, you can use itallics for what he's thinking. The way you have it there, it's really hard to distinguish between his thoughts and the actions of the story. Try breaking it down, so it doesn't read on in such a huge block, I think that makes it a little confusing. I'm sure some people on here can show you how, or you can PM me and I'll try.

ChrispyChicken · 10-31-2006, 12:46 PM

This make it any clearer?
---

The phone rang.

Hmph! Thought Mark. Not a chance buddy! I got off a full twenty-five seconds ago, and no way am I answering that phone call! Too late!

Mark glanced at the caller I.D.

Anthony F. Graton. Great. Just awesome. Punk probably wants me to check out a beach house halfway across the country in Florida or a log cabin up in the Carolinas. And knowing him it’d have to be done before the end of the weekend. Just his style. Unfortunately, he was also the biggest paying customer that his firm had, and Mark’s boss would have his head if he didn’t pick up the phone, especially since he had trusted Mark enough to give him full responsibility of Mr. Anthony F. Graton. Mr. Graton had a peculiar way of finding out who messed up around him and reporting it to just the right person. Several of Mark’s co-workers had already met their demise at his hands.

"Hello, this is Mark Pantoli speaking, real estate agent for Texas Homes. How can I be of service?”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Pantoli. Anthony Graton here, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor this afternoon.”

“Of course Mr. Graton, what can I do for you?” Mark heaved a silent sigh, already regretting picking up the phone. He’d be spending the rest of the afternoon working on this “small favor” for him. Maybe I can just hang up now, he thought. So what if I get fired? I won’t have to deal with this guy anymore, at least.

Elysium · 10-31-2006, 01:23 PM

I think italics are the best way to do it. And in my opinion, you don't need the "Mark thought" "he thought" tags. People who aren't familiar with it will catch on and I think most people already know about it.

rydenthorne · 10-31-2006, 11:23 PM

Italics are the way to go. I've seen numerous authors use that for thoughts.

Fixed · 11-01-2006, 01:26 AM

yep, italics, just noticed at the end of your exerpt that you also italicized (is that how we say/spell it???) the he thought part which probably would be better off as normal

aspiring · 11-01-2006, 04:02 AM

I would italicize slightly differently from ChrispyChicken:

The phone rang.

Hmph! thought Mark. Not a chance buddy! I got off a full twenty-five seconds ago, and no way am I answering that phone call! Too late!

Mark glanced at the caller I.D.

Anthony F. Graton. Great. Just awesome. Punk probably wants a beach house halfway across the country in Florida or a log cabin up in the Carolinas checked out. And knowing him it’d have to be done before the end of the weekend. Just his style. Unfortunately, he was also the biggest paying customer that his firm had, and Mark’s boss would have his head if he didn’t pick up the phone, especially since he had trusted Mark enough to give him full responsibility of Mr. Anthony F. Graton. Mr. Graton had a peculiar way of finding out who messed up around him and reporting it to just the right person. Several of Mark’s co-workers had already met their demise at his hands.

“Hello, this is Mark Pantoli speaking, real estate agent for Texas Homes. How can I be of service?”

"Good afternoon, Mr. Pantoli. Anthony Graton here, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor this afternoon.”

“Of course Mr. Graton, what can I do for you?” Mark heaved a silent sigh, already regretting picking up the phone. He’d be spending the rest of the afternoon working on this “small favor” for him. Maybe I can just hang up now, he thought. So what if I get fired? I won’t have to deal with this guy anymore, at least.

Note that I have changed the sentence 'Punk probably' to passive instead of active so that you don't have to italicize quite so much. Less is more, with italics. You can use them, but do so sparingly because large chunks are tiring to read.

mammamaia · 11-01-2006, 10:02 AM

i'm usually against using italics for thought, but in your case, where it's an ongoing part of the story, it's really the only way to go... BUT... when using italics you do NOT add 'he thought' or anything like that... the italics alone will let the reader know it's inner dialog...

Fixed · 11-01-2006, 10:52 AM

true that
what mamamia said

andrew.v.spencer · 11-01-2006, 12:19 PM

Mark is the POV character, consequently it is usually self-evident that the thoughts are Mark's. Occasionally a "he thought" is useful if it reads as if it could be Mark or the general narration.

The other alternative is a new paragraph. Your large paragraph beginning "Anthony F. Graton. Great... "

runs from what are clearly Mark's thoughts into something which might be Mark's thoughts, a paragraph break at the end of Mark's thoughts saying something like "Nevertheless he picked up the phone..." is a clearer switch.

ChrispyChicken · 11-01-2006, 12:36 PM

Wow, thanks for all the responses guys. I'll remove all the "he thoughts". Thanks andrew.v.spencer for pointing out the paragraph where his inner thoughts move onto the narration, and I've split that into two paragraphs.

Rockberto · 11-05-2006, 07:47 AM

Hi, I often notice writers simply describing in a way that imply's the character is thinking, and it doesn't have to be pointed out. I'll just make up something.

She felt that everything was going wrong, but that John was to be trusted.
She knew inside that if John had killed someone, it was necessary. That his virtue was intact, and anything he thought he had to do was right. In her heart, following him was the shining light in the dark rain splashing down on the leaves around her.

Words like felt and knew work. Or just descriptions of her feelings by the author, directly, as in the last sentence.

Fantasy of You · 11-05-2006, 08:13 AM

Why do you need italics?

Quote:

He’d be spending the rest of the afternoon working on this “small favor” for him. Maybe I can just hang up now, he thought. So what if I get fired? I won’t have to deal with this guy anymore, at least.

He'd be spending the rest of the afternoon working on this "small favor" for him. Maybe he could just hang up now. So what if he got fired? He wouldn't have to deal with that guy anymore, at least.

It's pretty obvious who's thinking, still.

mammamaia · 11-05-2006, 10:48 AM

yes, it is... the italics are redundant and superfluous...

Omnisu · 11-05-2006, 11:25 AM

I use italics to show stuff I've 'deleted', so I can't use them for thought either.

By deleted I mean 'will remove in editing'. Nothing gets deleted during nanowrimo, not a single word.