Is this sentence written correctly? - Writers Forum

elizabeth_472 · 10-24-2006, 05:10 PM

Hello. Below is a sentence in my essay for school:

Lolling in lounge and other chairs gathered around the pool, alleviating water slides down the throats of loving relations.

I was curious if this was written correctly because 'alleviating water' comes after the comma when the phrase before the comma is talking about the 'loving relations.' I seem to think it is not, but I am not positive that is so.

Please, did I write my sentence incorrectly or is my memory simply playing tricks on me?

cbrmale · 10-24-2006, 05:40 PM

I don't understand what it is about, but I hope the preceeding sentences give this context. The comma is placed to separate the two clear and distinct clauses, which is correct.

elizabeth_472 · 10-24-2006, 05:41 PM

Well, can't you draw what the sentence is about simply from the context of the sentence?

imrhati · 10-24-2006, 05:49 PM

it sound like it is written wrong. plus even if it is written right it is klunky as hell.

i can't understand what you are trying to say so please reiterate so we can help you.

elizabeth_472 · 10-24-2006, 05:51 PM

It's wrong. That's probably why you don't understand it. What is klunky?

mwd · 10-24-2006, 06:46 PM

Klunky means it sounds bad/awkward when read. Beyond grammar, though, the sentence just doesn't make much sense.

imrhati · 10-24-2006, 07:00 PM

yep, klunky is a sentence that is correct but doesn't fit the situation or sounds bad.

tel us what you were trying to say and I'll try and help.

CroZ · 10-24-2006, 07:17 PM

Quote:

lolling in lounge and other chairs gathered around the pool, alleviating water slides down the throats of loving relations.

resting on chairs in the pool lounge, the water provided relief for the lovers.
That's all I can get from it. Still dosent make much more sense though.

Wait, do you mean they were drinking the water?
They rested on chairs in the pool lounge, drinking water that provided relief for the lovers.
That's still clunky, overall it's hard to draw anything solid from the senteance. You need to work on that.

CroZ · 10-24-2006, 07:27 PM

and here is a comma guide for you, among other things.
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=58334

invisibletoyou · 10-24-2006, 07:52 PM

I'm sorry to say but it really doesn't sound right. Perhaps if I knew what you were trying to get across I could give you some suggestions but i just don't know.

elizabeth_472 · 10-24-2006, 10:21 PM

I was trying to say that people relaxing in chairs are drinking water.

Mike C · 10-25-2006, 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elizabeth_472

I was trying to say that people relaxing in chairs are drinking water.

Then you should say that. 'Alleviating' water doesn't work. You can say the water alleviates their thirst.

Omnisu · 10-25-2006, 06:15 AM

Trying to write 'clever' more often produces garbage than gold.

mammamaia · 10-25-2006, 10:07 AM

mike beat me to it!... 'alleviates' has to have an object to make any sense... you don't say what is being alleviated... and the rest is just a jumble of scrambled syntax, resulting in gobbledygook... the old axiom is still the best advice: 'less is more'

or, as they say less politely in the army: 'K.I.S.S.!'

Quote:

Lolling in lounge and other chairs gathered around the pool, alleviating water slides down the throats of loving relations.

to make that make any sense, you have to connect who's doing the lounging less 'distantly' and say what's being alleviated, plus straighten out that syntactical mess... such as:

Quote:

Thirst-alleviating water slides down the throats of loving relations lolling around the pool on lounge chairs.

sticking in 'and other' and 'gathered' is both extraneous and confusing, so they've gotta go... can you see why?

hope this helps... hugs, maia

Fantasy of You · 10-25-2006, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Lolling in lounge and other chairs gathered around the pool,

Okay, so they're lolling in lounge chairs and other types of chairs. Why is that important? Wouldn't it be easier to say 'lolling in lounge chair gathered at the pool'? And I'm not a fan of 'lolling.'

And put your thesaurus away. You obviously can't use it properly.

-Fantasy