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Old 10-25-2006, 11:53 PM   #16
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No, the sentence is not gramatically correct. Others have already said it, but I want to see what I can say anyway.

Quote:
Lolling in lounge and other chairs gathered around the pool,
You cannot loll in lounge. You can loll in a lounge. Lolling is also a clunky and unnecessary word to use in this context. You try to sound clever here, but drop that routine and just use simpler vocabulary.

Quote:
alleviating water slides down the throats of loving relations.
This isn't necessarily incorrect, but the way it's written makes no sense. I read water slides in this context as a noun, as the object, as in "a waterslide." The second portion also makes no sense; loving relations don't have throats.

Perhaps the best way to put this would be:

Quote:
The loving relations gathered in the chairs around the pool and let the water slide down their throats, alleviating their thirst.
Also, is loving relations referring to lovers? "Loving relations" is unclear about this. Perhaps "the lovers?" Or am I interpreting it wrong? Also, are all of the people really doing it at the same time? Without knowing precisely what the sentence is talking about, it's hard to make an entirely accurate correction. Either way, the way it sounds now is excessively overbearing.
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Old 10-26-2006, 10:04 AM   #17
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'loving relations' can only, imo, refer to 'relatives who are fond of each other'... can't mean 'lovers' as they're not family-related [or probably shouldn't be!]
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Old 10-30-2006, 11:27 AM   #18
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Well, I'll have to agree with the majority. The sentence doesn't seem right.

When you read over the sentence yourself, does it make sense to you? It might, because you know what point you're trying to convey but others might find it difficult to comprehend. It's frequently happened to me and it seems like that's the case here.
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