duoenigmax

This is an essay I have to submit for my class if anyone can give me any advice on this piece it will be much appreciated. I really want to improve my writing so please feel to add any comments you may have.




In Annie Dillard’s essay, “Living Like Weasels,” she states, “-but I might learn something of mindlessness, something of the purity of living in the physical senses and the dignity of living without bias or motive.” Dillard’s quote is suggesting that one be led by pure raw emotion and instincts, without the fear of consequences. I’m like the weasel but not to the same extent of living my life mindlessly, because as a human being I can’t live without slight hesitation.

Let’s look at the dynamics here, the weasel lives in the wilderness, and I live in a structured society govern by rules and regulations. Perhaps living “mindlessly” may work in the wild, but in an organized society, it may be down fall. Acting on impulse (without evaluating the consequences) can result in-incarceration, injury or death. Look at the weasel for instance, his “mindless” instinctual urges led him to his fate, (so a speech) at the hands of the eagle. If the weasel would have had the common sense to strategize before he “mindlessly” attacked the eagle, his demise would have just be an alternative ending to Dillard’s story.

The weasel was never content with what he had. According to Dillard’s essay the weasel was “killing more bodies than he can eat”. It’s fine to want more out of life a lot of us do, but if the weasel wasn’t as Dillard called so “mindless” he would have known when enough is enough. Like the weasel,I feel an uncanny hunger to devour, because I don’t and won’t feel content with what I’ve accomplished or obtain for it is nothing than mere rubbish that will not satisfy my appetite for life. But by the same token, unlike the weasel I follow a systematic procedure, on which I go about pursuing what I desire. If the weasel acted by the same principles he would have been successful in overtaking the more powerful eagle.

It may appear appealing to live heedlessly, but its not. I want to become a successful entrepreneur, but how can I catapult myself to the top if I negligent to consider the dangers that lay in my journey there? I can’t just be oblivious to them because they are there. If the weasel had deployed a strategy, he could have outmaneuvered the eagle.

Don’t be so foolish as to indulge the idea of allowing your emotions to guide you. Your heart and mind should function collectively, not separately. Remember that people are often led by their desires rather than their understandings. Let’s learn from the weasel’s mistake.

duoenigmax

the text was kinda small so here it is again


In Annie Dillard’s essay, “Living Like Weasels,” she states, “-but I might learn something of mindlessness, something of the purity of living in the physical senses and the dignity of living without bias or motive.” Dillard’s quote is suggesting that one be led by pure raw emotion and instincts, without the fear of consequences. I’m like the weasel but not to the same extent of living my life mindlessly, because as a human being I can’t live without slight hesitation.

Let’s look at the dynamics here, the weasel lives in the wilderness, and I live in a structured society govern by rules and regulations. Perhaps living “mindlessly” may work in the wild, but in an organized society, it may be down fall. Acting on impulse (without evaluating the consequences) can result in-incarceration, injury or death. Look at the weasel for instance, his “mindless” instinctual urges led him to his fate, (so a speech) at the hands of the eagle. If the weasel would have had the common sense to strategize before he “mindlessly” attacked the eagle, his demise would have just be an alternative ending to Dillard’s story.

The weasel was never content with what he had. According to Dillard’s essay the weasel was “killing more bodies than he can eat”. It’s fine to want more out of life a lot of us do, but if the weasel wasn’t as Dillard called so “mindless” he would have known when enough is enough. Like the weasel, I feel an uncanny hunger to devour, because I don’t and won’t feel content with what I’ve accomplished or obtain for it is nothing than mere rubbish that will not satisfy my appetite for life. But by the same token, unlike the weasel I follow a systematic procedure, on which I go about pursuing what I desire. If the weasel acted by the same principles he would have been successful in overtaking the more powerful eagle.

It may appear appealing to live heedlessly, but its not. I want to become a successful entrepreneur, but how can I catapult myself to the top if I negligent to consider the dangers that lay in my journey there? I can’t just be oblivious to them because they are there. If the weasel had deployed a strategy, he could have outmaneuvered the eagle.

Don’t be so foolish as to indulge the idea of allowing your emotions to guide you. Your heart and mind should function collectively, not separately. Remember that people are often led by their desires rather than their understandings. Let’s learn from the weasel’s mistake.

Fantasy of You

Depersonalise yourself from the essay. Don't include yourself in it at all.

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imrhati

wrong forum, if you want people to critique and help you improve your work post it in critique and advice.

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If your story is critiqued please take the five minutes to repay the favor.

strangedaze

ps what year in school r u in?

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aspiring

We can't possibly grade the essay if we don't know a) how old you are and b) more about the task. What is the title of this essay? What is its function? (is it meant to be a formal article or a personal response?)

I am an English teacher but I have to follow criteria when marking. You'll have to give us more to go on.

On the plus side, the prose flows very nicely and there are few grammatical errors as far as I can see. I have only skim-read it for now.

This sentence is dreadful though!

duoenigmax

It’s a personal response to the quote "-but I might learn something of mindlessness, something of the purity of living in the physical senses and the dignity of living without bias or motive.” and how am I like or unlike the weasel.

aspiring

I have PM'd you but I'm going to do a 'teacher's edit' here. Beware, this is not quite the same thing as a 'writer's edit'!

You haven't explained why you are like the weasel. You just say you are and then say not to the same extent. You need to say that you are basically flesh and blood and that your actions are based on instinctive/emotional reactions etc. before you then say why you're not like the weasel.

I expect weasels live in a structured society with rules too. There will be a definite hierarchy within a pack (or whatever a group of weasels is called). No community of any creatures can live without some rules. Depending on what level of work you are at, you could look at how humans are widely regarded to be one of the only species capable of thinking ahead and hypothesising. Weasels probably don't do this - they act on instinct (although those instincts will be based on taught behaviour as well as genes)

Word missing between 'be' and 'downfall' (which is one word)

Given that I don't know the rest of the original text, this sentence makes no sense to me. What's the bit in brackets about?

Corrected: If the weasel had had the common sense [because you are following with 'would have']

You need to punctuate this differently but I'm not going to do it for you - see if you can work it out.

You are trying to be too profound. Why would you have 'an uncanny hunger to devour'? If it is uncanny then it's abnormal behaviour. Is that what you meant to say? This sentence is very jumbled - one of the major things I look for when marking is CLARITY - how well you have expressed what you are trying to say. You need to simplify this down and possibly break into two sentences.

Don't weasels have a system for hunting?

Two errors in this line.

Good use of 'entrepreneur' and 'catapult' (I would award marks for using complex vocab correctly)

I would add a sentence to the beginning of the last paragraph, explaining that this is what you think the given text is trying to tell us.

There are two or three other small errors (words missed out etc) that I am not going to mark for you. Writing for the classroom is all about learning for yourself, not getting someone else to do it for you. It's good though that you're asking for opinions and that you care about your work.

You didn't tell us how old you are but overall I think you have given a good response to the task. If I were marking this as a piece of work from my 14-16s I would probably give it a C+. Tidying the piece up would get a B but to achieve an A you have to wow me

duoenigmax

Im in my last year of high school...

aspiring

You're welcome