does this need improving? - Writers Forum

oxleywanabenovelist123 · 07-04-2006, 04:07 AM

i have been writing a novel and i have scraped most of it to add better information in! i have written this piece for the start and i feel it doesn't give the right impression!

The lad turned. Caressing the gun tightly, just like he would a stuffed bear a few mere years ago.
“Don’t make me shoot” Brad shouted, still breathless from chasing him.
“Please don’t shot me man” panicked the lad, turning to face Brad as he said it.
The lad turns, and attempts to run from brad in a panic.
“I warned you boy!” Brad pulls the trigger as if the gun were a toy.
The lad collapsed on the floor, blood pouring from the wound.

The lad’s real name was Timothy Jerrett. He was a mere 17 years of age. There was no real reason for his angry behavior, well maybe one. His father was a junkie, a well known one at that. He went by the name of sneaker.

could you please give me some advice on this and tell me what you think could be done to improve it

many thanks

CZ · 07-04-2006, 04:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oxleywanabenovelist123

could you please give me some advice on this and tell me what you think could be done to improve it

Read it out loud.

You've got sentence fragments:

Quote:

The lad turned. Caressing the gun tightly, just like he would a stuffed bear a few mere years ago.

You also change tenses from the past to the present.

You've got some typos ("Brad" is uncapitalized at one point) and there's a fair amount of punctuation used incorrectly.

At the risk of being labelled harsh, I'd suggest not only reading your work out loud, but also polishing up your general writing skills - there are some very basic errors in there.

As for the general story, by all means keep going with it. Perhaps you could add some description and make the reader care about the characters as you edit. Keep working on it

Mike C · 07-04-2006, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oxleywanabenovelist123

The lad turned. Caressing the gun tightly, just like he would a stuffed bear a few mere years ago.

You can't caress tightly, and the simile is out place. He either gripped the gun tightly, or caressed it gently.

Quote:

"Don’t make me shoot” Brad shouted, still breathless from chasing him.

If this is the opening, then it's confusing. Chasing who?

Quote:

"Please don’t shot me man” panicked the lad, turning to face Brad as he said it.

panicked? No. he said it, he screamed it, he didn't panic it. And who has a gun? Just Brad or both of them? It's ambiguous, it reads like maybe they both have but I suspect from what you've written that only Brad is armed.

Quote:

The lad turns, and attempts to run from brad in a panic.

Change of tense. Repetition of panic.

Quote:

...as if the gun were a toy.

This doesn't add anything. It's meaningless.

Quote:

The lad’s real name was Timothy Jerrett. He was a mere 17 years of age. There was no real reason for his angry behavior, well maybe one. His father was a junkie, a well known one at that. He went by the name of sneaker.

This is an infodump. It interrupts the action and should be woven into the story - if it's relevant. If it's not, leave it out.

But as for fragments, nothing inherently wrong with that in my opinion.

oxleywanabenovelist123 · 07-04-2006, 05:32 AM

i have redone the first bit teel me what you think of this?

March 29, 2003

Stopping as he reached the corner. The lad turned, gripping the gun tightly.
“Don’t make me shoot” Brad shouted, still breathless from chasing him.
“Please don’t shot me man” screamed the lad, turning to face Brad as he said it.
The lad turned, and attempted to run from Brad in a panic.
“I warned you boy!” Brad pulled the trigger.
The lad collapsed face down on the floor, Blood pouring from the wound.

bob rulz · 07-04-2006, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oxleywanabenovelist123

Stopping as he reached the corner. The lad turned, gripping the gun tightly.

The period should be a comma.

Quote:

“Please don’t shot me man” screamed the lad, turning to face Brad as he said it.

Quote:

The lad turned, and attempted to run from Brad in a panic.

Needs more detail. Also, there's a change of tense (turning to face Brad; the lad turned). Also, the way it's presented is odd (he turned to face Brad, then all of a sudden he turns away again? The way it's written is just really odd).

Quote:

“I warned you boy!” Brad pulled the trigger.

Needs to be one sentence ("I warned you boy!" Brad said as he pulled the trigger).

Quote:

The lad collapsed face down on the floor, Blood pouring from the wound.

Needs WAY more description. You're telling, not showing. Blood shouldn't be capitalized.

Sorry man, but this needs way more work to be acceptable. Keep working at it though, it has the potential to be really good.

Omnisu · 07-04-2006, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Stopping as he reached the corner

I see this sort of thing a lot, even in my favorite authors, and it still bugs the hell out of me. What twisted corner of the English language lets us write things like ' "boo," he said while running around' instead of ' "boo," he said as he ran around." There are like two totally different tenses in that first example!

oxleywanabenovelist123 · 07-04-2006, 10:24 AM

i don't understand what u said and if your favourite writers do it it can;t be too bad of a thing!!! i am going to go away and write the next few chapters after i have completed this one and will post a new thread with the new chapters and keep adding to it weekly!!

Many thanks
see you all soon

oxley123

Mike C · 07-04-2006, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omnisu

I see this sort of thing a lot, even in my favorite authors, and it still bugs the hell out of me. What twisted corner of the English language lets us write things like ' "boo," he said while running around' instead of ' "boo," he said as he ran around." There are like two totally different tenses in that first example!
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Not different tenses, but passive v active - (He was) stopping as... (passive)

(He) stopped as... (active).

Selorian · 07-04-2006, 11:51 AM

Aside from what the others have pointed out, your punctuation in and around your dialogue needs work.

Keep working on it. Good luck.

aspiring · 07-04-2006, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

Not different tenses, but passive v active - (He was) stopping as... (passive)

(He) stopped as... (active).

No, not passive.
He was stopping = past continuous
He stopped = past simple

An example of the passive form would be 'He was stopped by...'

Oxley, your style needs a lot of work but I think it's too early to be posting your story - just write and write, and you'll find that the more you write, the better it will get. Besides, if you enjoy writing it, does it matter if other people approve of your style? If you are really keen to improve, then I would suggest joining a creative writing course or something similar.