The beginning - Writers Forum

snorrie · 04-19-2006, 02:41 AM

I am new to this forum and I am looking for advice on whether or not I have any writing skills. Please critique what I've written. Thank you

The house was dark, the floors cold, and his thoughts muddled at best. But if memory served him correctly, nine o’clock in the morning happened just an hour ago. On the worst possible day, logic and sanity came to an abrupt end. Actually, the storm raging outside and the electricity blowing out played only a minimal roll.

His wife could take credit for most of it, picking this day to go into labor. Six months. That’s how long their pregnancy lasted; her accelerating labor now put an end to it. Of course, the doctor assured them she would go full term, that their pregnancy would be normal and go according to plan.

A three-month miscalculation; not very close.

Frustrated, stumbling, the husband waved his hands in front of him until he reached the closet where he last saw the flashlight. Lightning outside the window allowed him to see the room clearly enough to locate the door handle. When he pulled the door open, there it sat right on the hatbox where it was suppose to be, the flashlight which, with his luck, probably contained dead batteries.

As for his wife, things couldn’t be quite so simple. Besides, locating a flashlight probably concerned her least.

Anything different from what happened throughout their miserable pregnancy would be hard to believe. Their few pleasantries were much easier to cite than to list the opposite. Not to mention, less time-consuming. Quite a few unexplainable events took place during the past six months, like her presence making a compass go on the fritz, or battery-operated watches dying on her wrist. She did find this curse or whatever it was useful at times, especially when she need her husband’s attention. In particular, she thought of his testosterone-perpetuated sporting events and how he always ignored her during them. What the hell did her husband find so spectacular about a mob of men battering each other hoping to carry a leather ball to the opposite end of a line-chalked, grass runway; football, the last sport she’d ever take interest in. She would casually set foot in the same room as the television and, voila, his full, undivided attention fell upon her. After all, she figured that staring into a static-filled picture tube wasn’t much fun. “Yes dear?” He had said in a calm voice.
Power? Who needed power during a time that he needed it most? A chuckle escaped his dry throat. If she wanted to give birth at this particular time, he should expect nothing less. He flicked the light switch up and down. Darkness prevailed. Room to room, he searched for the essentials: keys, wallet, pants.

mammamaia · 04-19-2006, 06:23 PM

it's mildly intriguing, with references to the wife's 'powers' but some word choices, punctuation, and syntax scrambling need attention...

i'd say you show definite promise, only need to study the basics more carefully and read more really good writing by the best writers of all time, to see how to apply the 'less is more' axiom...

bottom line: you seem to have talent but need to work a bit more on the skills...

there's too much i'd point out in the piece as needing work/correction, to do it in a post, but i'd be glad to give you full explanations/suggestions if you want to send it by email... regardless, keep writing!

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

Anne Lacey · 04-21-2006, 01:04 AM

Oh, I definately agree with mammamia! You definately have something there! I got confused a few times, but I am intrigued! I want to know more, so that's a good sign!