Which sentence should be used? - Writers Forum

Daniel Malone · 04-06-2006, 05:34 PM

Below is two styles of writing that I wrote and I would like others to offer which they think is the better style.

Example: "He cut a slice through his arm easily like his skin was made of paper and the knife the scissors."

Revision: "Blood began to pool between the parted flesh of his arm, cut so easliy with a sharp piece of lustrous metal."

Critique mine and I will return the favor:

Orange Light Haunting a short story.
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=57620

Blood Ghost Novel... a few pages.
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=57620

mammamaia · 04-06-2006, 05:43 PM

sorry, but neither one is good writing, imo... second is too purple prosy for my taste... and the first is redundantly muddled... 'cut a slice through' is a combo of 'cut' and 'sliced through' that makes little sense... plus, you'd need to add 'was' after 'knife' to have that part make sense...

'less is more' is still the best dictum for a writer to follow... as is that old army 'k.i.s.s.!' principle...

Phouka · 04-06-2006, 11:08 PM

I agree, the second is a bit too purple for me. The first is a very passive and redundant sentence -- he cut a slice through vs he sliced.

'Sliced through' also implies to me a complete separation -- that he cut off part of his arm, not just sliced the skin or cut into. With regard to 'knife the scissors', would that be better as '...the knife, the scissors'? That reads ok to me, definitely something I'd say.

Since you really were asking about style, the first style is much better than the second.

Titania · 04-06-2006, 11:14 PM

Quote:

He cut a slice through his arm easily like his skin was made of paper and the knife the scissors

This one's better, and would read better the way Phouka pointed out, except if you put a comma there it means:
like his skin was made of paper and his knife, (was made of) the scissors

You could say
He sliced through his arm easily, his skin paper and the knife, the scissors
or something like that... it still comes across a bit odd

Like Phouka and mammamaia said, the basic style of the first is probably better.

Gypsy_girl · 04-08-2006, 05:13 AM

I say the first sentence is better, and would write what Titania wrote, but without the comma between "paper" and "and".

KarmaVictim · 04-08-2006, 10:44 PM

I would advise that you not obsess over a single sentence--you'll have plenty throughout your story. Besides, I feel they're both a little overdone.

PS I know it's a little off topic, but what exactly is 'purple'?

Ty_lol · 04-09-2006, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarmaVictim

PS I know it's a little off topic, but what exactly is 'purple'?

purple
adj 2: excessively elaborate or showily expressed

FollowingShadow · 04-09-2006, 01:06 AM

Melodramatic, I take it.

Mike C · 04-09-2006, 01:42 AM

Both are terrible. Stop trying to be a writer, and start just writing.

The skin on his arm parted easily.

Daniel Malone · 06-21-2006, 08:12 PM

Mike C, great advice and that is just what I'm doing. My attempt was over descriptive.

ghent96 · 06-23-2006, 11:31 AM

He sliced into his arm with the knife, flinching only a little, and watched the blood pool with morbid fascination...

Krim · 06-23-2006, 02:44 PM

ghent, since when does blood pool with morbid fascination?

He flinched as the knife traced along his arms(veins?) and his eyes, full of morbid fascination, followed the dribble of blood.

Maybe?

You could always edit it, it sounds a bit choppy. A little wordy for where you're going. I'd go with what Mike said unless my revision is your cup of tea. Is he cutting himself? Then, you could use veins, I suppose --- it'd suit 'traced' a lot better if he had a smaller network of lines like veins to 'trace'. If not, you can ditch the verb.

Rob · 06-23-2006, 03:50 PM

I prefer the second to the first because it's more visual.

Daniel Malone · 06-23-2006, 04:58 PM

Edit:

The sharp blade slowly parted the skin, and he watched as the dark-red life flowed down his arm.

Kane · 06-23-2006, 05:28 PM

I still don't like it.