Which sentence should be used? - Page 3 - Writers Forum

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 05:17 PM

i agree mike; i usually don't try to make style changes though; i thought the edits made it a bit more clear though, if melodramatic. however; have you cut yourself? maybe he wants to try and bring the reader into the mind of the self-torturer. not everything has to be passive.

Daniel Malone · 06-24-2006, 05:32 PM

Okay. I'm ready for another round.

The blade cut effortlessly through his skin, and each drop of blood that fell to the floor brought relief. Each drop shed the hate, the boredom and the insignificance of living in a cell for the rest of his life. Then the rush began as he made another cut, deeper than the first.

In a minute he would call the guards, but not until he cut a vein and bled a lot more. Only he knew how much blood it would take until the fear of dying made him call for help.

He watched the blood run faster as drops turned into a small pool on the cold, gray concrete. Then he moved his blade to the blue color under his skin. This would do it. He thought as he applied the pressure.

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

Okay. I'm ready for another round.

The blade cut effortlessly through his skin, and each drop of blood that fell to the floor brought relief. Each drop shed (made him forget about?) the hate, the boredom and the insignificance (wrong word or bad place for it) of living in a cell for the rest of his life. Then the rush (you need to explain this) began as he made another cut, deeper than the first.

In a minute he would call the guards, but not until he cut a (another) vein and bled a lot more (delete) . Only he knew how much blood it would take until the fear of dying made him call for help.

He watched the blood run faster as drops turned into a small pool on the cold, gray concrete. Then he moved his blade to the blue color under his skin. This would do it. He thought as he applied the pressure.

"blue color" to "blue line" or "blue blur" if you want to avoid using "vein" imho. much better. it at least makes sense to me now, but maybe that's because i've been reading all of your versions and explaination.

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 05:44 PM

maybe it makes sense because it is nine sentences instead of one. lol.

Mike C · 06-25-2006, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gatoatigrado

i agree mike; i usually don't try to make style changes though; i thought the edits made it a bit more clear though, if melodramatic. however; have you cut yourself? maybe he wants to try and bring the reader into the mind of the self-torturer. not everything has to be passive.

No, I've never cut myself, but I've known cutters and self harmers, and know how their minds are wired. I have also written (and had published) stories that involved cutters/cutting (see my website for an example).

Your edits made nothing clearer. The melodrama clouds everything.

Mike C · 06-25-2006, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

Okay. I'm ready for another round.

The blade cut effortlessly through his skin, and each drop of blood that fell to the floor brought relief. Each drop shed the hate, the boredom and the insignificance of living in a cell for the rest of his life. Then the rush began as he made another cut, deeper than the first.

In a minute he would call the guards, but not until he cut a vein and bled a lot more. Only he knew how much blood it would take until the fear of dying made him call for help.

He watched the blood run faster as drops turned into a small pool on the cold, gray concrete. Then he moved his blade to the blue color under his skin. This would do it. He thought as he applied the pressure.

A little better, but you're crossing a boundary here between a cutter (a necessarily solitary experience - cutters don't usually advertise what they do) and the 'cry for attention' mock suicide thing. I'm not saying don't do it, but I am saying be aware of it. And last two sentences should be combined, comma instead of period.

Daniel Malone · 06-25-2006, 05:47 PM

The prison is a much different place then most tend to know about. Especially, Southern Ohio Correctional Facility where I'm employed. SOCF is considered the worst prison in the State of Ohio.

We have more assaults and murders than any prison in the state and house the Residential Treatment Unit of the criminally insane.

Here is a link that tells some of the story when Frontline taped at the prison. If you scroll down you can watch the video in four segments. There is a cameo of me in the video, and you can guess which on I am.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontl...ms/interviews/

ghent96 · 11-01-2006, 03:33 AM

(pg 2) ...BAH! Krim is going to bust out the misplaced modifier rule on me, eh?

"The slow blade penetrates the shield"

Just kidding.

"The blade slowly parted his arm's flesh, and a pool of red mingled with the stainless steel."

Anyways, reading your edits through page 3 and now page 4, it has gotten much better. Now it's just a little unclear if the character feels any pain (is it hard to do?), or if he/she feels nothing (very easy to do). That may be handled before or after this excerpt though. Sorry, if so. Is it important that the concrete is cold, versus say his warm blood? Do you want to specify "the blue color", or will you just say "He hovered the knife over a large vein..." (and take out the earlier use of "vein")?

ghent96 · 11-01-2006, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike C

Every variation of 'the sentence' so far has been either cliché, trite or just plain badly written...
That says what you need to say. Stop trying to write it. Just tell it like it is.

Show, don't tell, Mike.

I can see you're up to your usual overly opinionated jerkiness.

Daniel Malone · 11-30-2006, 09:57 PM

He cut his arm with a sharp blade, and watched the thin line of blood thicken then run down the curve of his arm. The release was greater with each cut as he continued to make more cuts into his skin. It was senseless, he knew, but how could he stop? It was the only way he could feel good inside the miserable concrete and steel enclosure.

WriteIt · 12-02-2006, 10:21 AM

Definitely the latest is an improvement. Having just cut myself with a scalpel blade I use for deboning chicken, I can't believe it doesn't hurt, even if it is intentional, unless the character applied something topical like lanocaine (?). You might try capturing the sensation of that "sting" one feels (you can leave out the swear words since your character is doing this intentionally <g>) could add to this description. Maybe I'm just a wuss, but it HURTS. (My automatical reflex was to shake "it" (in my case, my hand, followed by pinching, followed by spinning in a circle, while stomping feet and cussing, followed by shaking it again...followed by having to clean up the blood while pinching said finger to try and stop the pain...still cussing, although not quite as colorfully).

Krys

gagoots · 12-02-2006, 12:50 PM

I'm more interested as to why this persn's into self mutilation

Daniel Malone · 12-03-2006, 07:01 PM

The person cutting is an inmate and he has a psyc case file and scars all over his arm. He has cut himself for many years, then got locked up only to continue cutting even worse than before.

At times, he almost bleeds to death before he gets help from the guards, because he only lets them know when he is ready. Of course, sometimes, they discover what he is doing before he is ready.

He cuts to deal with his stress and feels no one cares, but when he cuts everyone seems to care for awhile.

Knightskye · 12-10-2006, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

Okay. I'm ready for another round.

The blade cut effortlessly through his skin, and each drop of blood that fell to the floor brought relief. Each drop shed the hate, the boredom and the insignificance of living in a cell for the rest of his life. Then the rush began as he made another cut, deeper than the first.

In a minute he would call the guards, but not until he cut a vein and bled a lot more. Only he knew how much blood it would take until the fear of dying made him call for help.

He watched the blood run faster as drops turned into a small pool on the cold, gray concrete. Then he moved his blade to the blue color under his skin. This would do it. He thought as he applied the pressure.

Definitely eery. I hope the text before this "nine sentence" explanation takes the reader on a tour of this lovely gentleman's mind. Maybe what drove him to cutting himself, to get arrested and thrown in jail "for the rest of his life." Might want to put the "This would do it" into quotation marks, since it's a third-person narrating the story. Although, it's not really making sense to me, that if there was a man sitting next to him in the cell, he would be able to see inside the man's head and tell what he was thinking. Maybe he should say, "This would do it," out loud, instead of just thinking it. I don't mean shouting, make it a mumble. Otherwise, this is great. I'd be honored to read more.