Which sentence should be used? - Page 2 - Writers Forum

mwd · 06-23-2006, 05:42 PM

Sorry but I don't really like it, either. Mostly it's the dark-red life bit. Reminds me of something from The Eye of Argon, you know... "crimson droplets of life fluid" and what not, heh. (You have read The Eye of Argon, right? If you haven't, you really should. It's a brilliant lesson in writing.)

Why not simply:

The blade slowly parted his skin as he watched the blood flow down his arm.

If you want to add imagery, then instead of describing the blood as dark-red life, you could always tell the reader what the blood is doing, like for example...

The blood travelled past his wrist and down his hand, dripping off his fingers and falling to the floor.

Or whatever. I'm not saying it's good, but I think it's a better way to develop what's happening than by using abstract stuff (dark-red life) in place of concrete stuff (blood ... and it might be hot against his palm, it might be sticky or wet as he tries to wipe it off, and it might be dripping to the floor ... but I think the fact that it's dark red and "life" is kind of a given.)

Hopefully this helped somewhat, although the main thing is to write lots. If you're agonizing this much over one sentence, well... there are better uses of your time. If you write an entire story badly, then that's where you need help. If it's just one sentence, then oh well. It can probably be cut out completely, anyway...

Atom · 06-23-2006, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghent96

He sliced into his arm with the knife, flinching only a little, and watched the blood pool with morbid fascination...

^ What Ghent said is good but who knows if it fits the situation you want.

If i had to pick between yours i would pick number 2. Like you said, you were too descriptive. A simile or a metaphor isn't needed to make a good description.

Daniel Malone · 06-23-2006, 06:36 PM

The blade sliced through his skin leaving a line of red in its path. The cutter watched the blood pool then run down his arm.

He cut himself because he hated life, but as the blood began to flow he felt relief.

I'm will not stop until I write a sentence that works. Of course, I need others to help.

Atom · 06-23-2006, 07:05 PM

He cut himself because he hated life, but as the blood began to flow he felt relief.

Maybe put....

The blood began to flow. All of his worries, fears, and hardships seem to vanish, giving him a deep sense of relief from his life.

Something like that, i dont really like the bolded lines.

Kane · 06-23-2006, 07:12 PM

Blood doesn't really flow from a cutter's shallow cut. I'd say it seeps. I still don't understand why you're hung up on one sentence, though. You are writing to a tell a story. Your problem is that you are trying to be all fancy with it, rather than just telling the story. You've now spent days on this one sentence, and your readers won't even notice it if you do your job right. If they did, they would be distracted from the story.

For those who have a gift with words, I suppose I can understand the usage of more elaborate writing. But you don't have this gift. Or, if you do, it is as yet unrefined...

Daniel Malone · 06-23-2006, 07:21 PM

I'm trying to refine. I want to learn proper sentence syntax and word usage, and this is the reason I'm hung up on this sentence.

Kane, you a very literate and intelligent person and I respect your opinion and advice, alway. Thanks.

Atom, I thank you also and hope you got my message.

Edit:
He cut his arm deeply and watched the blood slowly pool in the parted skin. It didn't mean much to an outsider, but if others knew how he felt they would understand.
His life sucked; the depression slowly building into a crescendo of hate. A hate that drove him to self mutilation.

Kane · 06-23-2006, 09:01 PM

Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to be insulting by saying you don't have a gift with words. I don't think that I have one, either, which is why I try to keep my prose simple. When I do try to get fancy, I think I confuse people. I just meant that there are some people who are virtuosos with words, just as there are with instruments. The rest of us have to build up a strong base on technical skills.

Daniel Malone · 06-23-2006, 09:21 PM

I couldn't agree with you more. I took it as you meant it. I need all the help I can get, and if a writer gets offended on this forum then they don't care about learning.

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

if a writer gets offended on this forum then they don't care about learning.

exactly. your latest revision is good, but without knowing how it stands in the story, i'd be inclined to put the explaination first, and the action second. it makes it seem more intentional and less random imho.

His depression crescendoed (sp?) into hate. A hate that drove (wc a bit weak imho) him to self-mutilation. He cut (wc integrate deeply, perhaps "gashed", but find a better one maybe) his arm, and watched the blood slowly pool (out of?) in the parted skin (don't like the second part, just use easily before. not realistic imho; from all of the hesitation marks most suiciders make it doesn't seem effortless. read about this courageous act - imho lol athiest comment - before you write about it.) . It didn't mean much to an outsider, but (delete 1st part) if others knew how he felt they would understand.

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 10:29 AM

kane i don't think anyone has a "gift with words". it's all a learned process; intelligence is a learned process, not only knowledge. from The Log from the Sea of Cortez, Stienbeck, "A child's world spreads only a little beyond his understanding while that of a great scientist thrusts outward immeasurably." (p. 137)

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 10:30 AM

(deleted) post error

Kane · 06-24-2006, 12:40 PM

Well, regardless of what you think, some people do have a gift with words. =)

Daniel Malone · 06-24-2006, 03:02 PM

I should elaborate more on the meaning of this sentence. First, it is not an attempt at suicide, but a form of release by the "cutter".

Second, I work in a prison with criminally insane inmates, and many of them cut themselves. I ask them why they did it and every one of them gives the same answer.

It is an addiction that some have partook of most of their lives. An addiction, because of the rush involved, and the rush of adrenaline temporarily relieves the mental pain and anguish they feel.

It is more complicated then this, but it is what they told me.

My sentence was an attempt to display the first cut. It should be a paragraph, and maybe I will expand.

The critiques have been helpful. Thanks.

gatoatigrado · 06-24-2006, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

I should elaborate more on the meaning of this sentence. First, it is not an attempt at suicide, but a form of release by the "cutter".

It is an addiction that some have partook of most of their lives. An addiction, because of the rush involved, and the rush of adrenaline temporarily relieves the mental pain and anguish they feel.

It is more complicated then this, but it is what they told me.

The critiques have been helpful. Thanks.

yeah thanks for sharing. i've certainly punished myself before. I think you should maybe give a "flashback" to earlier life. Starting out with aesthetics, - unless it is something like a landscape, mountains, etc., something we can relate to - is a bit risky, and it might take away from what you're trying to say. Also I didn't get the adrenaline part so much; I think others' comments about him "intensely watching" would capture this more than his skin simply parting.

Mike C · 06-24-2006, 04:57 PM

Every variation of 'the sentence' so far has been either cliché, trite or just plain badly written.

This

Quote:

His depression crescendoed (sp?) into hate. A hate that drove (wc a bit weak imho) him to self-mutilation. He cut (wc integrate deeply, perhaps "gashed", but find a better one maybe) his arm, and watched the blood slowly pool (out of?) in the parted skin (don't like the second part, just use easily before. not realistic imho; from all of the hesitation marks most suiciders make it doesn't seem effortless. read about this courageous act - imho lol athiest comment - before you write about it.) . It didn't mean much to an outsider, but (delete 1st part) if others knew how he felt they would understand.

is so melodramatic as to be comical.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

It is an addiction that some have partook of most of their lives. An addiction, because of the rush involved, and the rush of adrenaline temporarily relieves the mental pain and anguish they feel.

That says what you need to say. Stop trying to write it. Just tell it like it is.