How to... - Writers Forum

Gamble · 03-13-2006, 03:21 PM

Hey there, thought I'd seek some help from the more experienced writers. I'm doing some fantasy writing, but I've stumbled upon a little problem.

I want to keep it third person, and from an outsider's perspective, so I can only say objective things. And I need to keep it as if speaking to the observer...
Here's what I've got.

"The elf before you walks lightly and seems to radiate an aura of quiet serenity. Her movements are delecate and precise. Her eyes, pale purple, shimmer softly in the light.

Her attire shows the contours of her body, her back lightly arched. Her skin is a light lilac in colour and looks soft and smooth to the touch. Her violet hair reaches her waist and flows across her shoulders, framing the gentle curvature of her neck. The alluring fragrance of wild orchids surrounds her."

I realize that "alluring" is a subjective matter, but I liked it.

I have no idea what more to say... I wonder if anyone out there can help me write more? How do you define beauty objectively? Is it even possible?

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
Peter.

Dookie · 03-13-2006, 03:59 PM

Firstly, thats 2nd person and it doesn't get used very often except in game books due to the fact that it's quite complicated.

cbrmale · 03-13-2006, 04:40 PM

To turn it into third person, do this.

"The elf walked lightly, seemingly radiating an aura of..."

Third person is told either from the perspective of a single narrator, or a God-like narrator that can see everything. It is usually a single narrator these days, and the narrator can shift from chapter to chapter or scene to scene.

I like third person, it seems more polished. First person is quite common these days, but third person reads nicely and enables different perspectives to be brought into the view. It is common to open a chapter or scene from the omniscient view (seeing everything) to describe the setting and characters, and then focus the rest of the chapter or scene from a single narrator. It is quite easy to do, it is like painting a picture for a paragraph or two like you have done and then:

"The elf scratched her head, wondering what to do next."

At this point, the narration has shifted from omniscient to the elf.

My recommendation is to read some third person work, even in different genres, to get a feel for the style and what may work for you. Then practice it on different scenes until you get your own voice working.

Gamble · 03-13-2006, 05:14 PM

Certainly my mistake - 2nd person is what I meant. I actually hit the wrong key, but it made sense when I scan proof-read it. Does make quite a lot of difference though...
Still need that question addressed however. Thank-you to everyone who has replied with help so far.

Dephere · 03-13-2006, 05:26 PM

Just talk about her features, you don't have to say flat out that she is beautiful, but you can certainly insunuate it...

"Her supple breasts...."

Okay, I think I've accomplished it!

cbrmale · 03-13-2006, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gamble

Certainly my mistake - 2nd person is what I meant. I actually hit the wrong key, but it made sense when I scan proof-read it. Does make quite a lot of difference though...
Still need that question addressed however. Thank-you to everyone who has replied with help so far.

I have read some erotic short stories done second person, and it is a style that doesn't do much for me. Beyond that, it looks a hard thing to write, and possibly quite limiting. I can't offer advice other than the second-person things I have read are short and simple because it appears that the style doesn't adapt itself to long or complex works.

Do you really want to go this way?

mammamaia · 03-13-2006, 06:58 PM

i have to agree with all who are warning you off using 2nd person pov... it just isn't reader-friendly and frankly makes no sense, imo... why do you want to address the readers directly, like you're lecturing them, instead of just telling a story?

blankslatejoe · 03-13-2006, 07:16 PM

this is like choose your own adventures! And those old text based videogames...

personally, I love second person stories...but ONLY if it's interactive. They're never all that high in quality.... but they are good fun!

If you're interested in making one of them, there's quite a few free engines to help you organize all the data/options:

http://questml.com/
http://www.sandman.connectfree.co.uk/prog/gamebook.htm
http://www.madladdesigns.co.uk/MuCeS/index.htm

Gamble · 03-13-2006, 07:40 PM

I have no idea why, in retrospect, I didn't just explain everything. Will be much simpler. Yes, it needs to remain 2nd person by the way.
Here's why:
The little description is typed into a game about your character, and then it is viewable to all other characters who choose to read it.
So I could say, "The human before you has deep azure eyes... etc".
But not, "The human before you is kind and generous."

The first you can tell just by looking at them, whereas you wouldn't know the second from appearences. But something like, "His smile is warming and gives you the impression that he is an honest man" is acceptable.

Thanks for the advice on insinuation... that's a very good idea. Now I just have to find a way of doing it... Hmm... Nipples...

Thanks to all who have posted so far.

Dookie · 03-14-2006, 12:17 PM

Evidence of why not to use 2nd person:

1) It reads from the readers pov and if the reader does not agree with what the character has done they lose interest which equals a bad book.

Metatron · 03-14-2006, 03:17 PM

I'm going to go not very far out on a limb and guess that you are writing a desc for a MU* style game? If that is the case, I would say that is is simply a matter of taking a look around you at what other people are using as acceptable descs, and basing your description on that.

Details beyond that would, I imagine, depend on just what sort of place you are playing at.