believable - Writers Forum

prabjit · 11-30-2005, 10:36 PM

Hey,

I was going over my book and I came to the part in my story where my protagonist meets the other protagonists but I'm trying to make it believable, here's what i got so far.

“Are you alright?”
“Ya, who are you?”
Cirith paused and looked deeply into Chris’s eyes.
“Cirith and this is Daniel. I must take you some where safe.”
Cirith led Daniel and Chris to his car which opened magically.
“Wait, how do I know that I can trust you?”
“If I were against you… you wouldn’t be alive right now, right?”
Chris eyed both of them carefully then as he entered the car replied.
“Ya.”

so ya... how can i change it to make it believable (their all good guys.)

Thanks!

richie · 12-01-2005, 12:00 AM

My guess for this been 'unreal' is that it all seem too plain.
The dialogue is fine, but the actions are a bit blunt.
Try focusing more on what they feel and less on what they're doing. You can say that in between.

Sand · 12-01-2005, 10:01 AM

Seems a little fast to me, in that Chris seems to just go with Cirith and Daniel with almost no questions, no apprehensions, no reservations. Try exploring what Chris is thinking, how he's feeling. Why does Cirith decide to help Chris in the first place? I don't have any particular problem with what's happening, just that it's not explained enough, the reader doesn't know the motivations for any of the characters' actions.

prabjit · 12-01-2005, 10:11 AM

ya but should Chris feel suspicious? ( i think i spelt that wrong) confused? lol sorry its early. thanks.

Sand · 12-01-2005, 10:29 AM

I don't know. I don't know Chris and I don't know the story. You do suggest he's a little suspicious with his question "How do I know I can trust you?" but it's for you to decide (or discover).

prabjit · 12-01-2005, 06:44 PM

lol okay... thanks!

suzakugaiden · 12-01-2005, 09:20 PM

Okay, working from a complete lack of contextuailty here...

It happens way too fast. That, andt he dialogue's not natural anyway.

prabjit · 12-01-2005, 10:23 PM

hmmmm ya it does go fast... should i put the meeting over a few days like he's not sure or something?

richie · 12-02-2005, 02:40 AM

I don't think so.
I mean, we see this scene a lot in movies and books.
Don't know the soty, but it seems Chris is in great danger at the moment, and these people are his only help.
Still, they didn't met yet, the'll probably get to know each other in the car, when safe.
That's perfectly reasonable.

CZ · 12-02-2005, 05:36 AM

Adding some internal monologue might help.

prabjit · 12-02-2005, 09:55 AM

yaaa! i'll go add a little discussion in the car (yes Chris is in trouble) and some feelings lol thanks!

prabjit · 12-02-2005, 09:55 AM

oh and whats a monologue??
sorry

Sand · 12-02-2005, 10:42 AM

A monologue is a literary device used when a character is pondering something privately. The character will talk either to himself (or herself, as the case may be) or to the audience and it's usually a fairly long conversation. It's used most frequently in plays since written stories can achieve the same thing other ways, but it can still be used in print. Shakespeare used it a lot.

prabjit · 12-02-2005, 02:31 PM

ohh so i should put a monolouge in that part of the story? if so what should my character say?

CZ · 12-02-2005, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prabjit

ohh so i should put a monolouge in that part of the story? if so what should my character say?

Only you know what your character should say.

Internal monologue? You can find a ton of examples in current books.

Quote:

Originally Posted by internal monologue

Chris studied the other boy carefully. Could he trust him? He looked sincere enough, but Chris had long ago learned that appearances weren't all they seemed...

Quote:

Originally Posted by internal monologue

Can I trust him? Chris thought. He looks sincere enough, but ever since that time with Josh, I've never been able to trust people right off the bat...