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| Tips & Advice Share your tips, tricks and advice. |
11-23-2005, 04:51 PM
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#16
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back 'home' on Tinian!
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,445
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you'd have to change virtually all the verbs, not just 'was'... here's a sample:
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With his head down, slowly rose upward, his red compelling eyes stared right into the bartender's hazel eyes and shook his head, "None thank you, kind sir," uttering under his low tone of voice, slamming his sword onto the counter. Turning his head aside, his hood still covering his face, the room, very dismal and dark. He glanced at a corner, where two men sat. Drinking and talking, their clothes in rag with their swords leaning on the table.
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...present tense:
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With his head down, slowly rising upward, his red compelling eyes stare right into the bartender's hazel eyes and shakes his head, "None thank you, kind sir," uttering under his low tone of voice, slamming his sword onto the counter. Turning his head aside, his hood still covering his face, the room, very dismal and dark. He glances at a corner, where two men sit. Drinking and talking, their clothes in rag with their swords leaning on the table.
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... but, there's lots more wrong in that paragraph, needing serious work, besides the switches in tense... i've just left it as is, but italicized the other flaws, so you can have some idea of what else you need to work on...
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11-23-2005, 07:48 PM
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#17
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 114
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oh #### i see something, thanks mom! i think im starting to see. *hugs* ^_^
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'What we do in life echoes in eternity'
-Maximus, Gladiator
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11-24-2005, 08:04 AM
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#18
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back 'home' on Tinian!
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,445
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glad my nit-picking helped!... hugs, m
__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com
"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi
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11-24-2005, 05:54 PM
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#19
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: South-east UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,883
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by suzakugaiden
It's currently happened - Present.
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Currently happened? You mean happening, I presume?  |
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