Help starting my essay - Writers Forum

Kolt · 11-02-2005, 08:12 PM

Well just to give you some background, I'm a male 16 year old and I'm writing an essay addressing our detoriating sense of morals as a society and it's far reaching effects. One of the main implications I will be focusing on is the hit our public school systems have taken and how learning in our nation is being hindered further and further everday.

I plan on taking a survey of all the teachers at my highschool in an attempt to back up my stance. I was in school writing the other day, trying to get something started to go to my principal with so I can propose the idea of my survey. This is what I had originally come up with:

"When analyzing the sub-standard intellectual levels in the upcoming generation, you must strongly consider that our nations public school systems are at fault due to their inability to effectively prepare youths with an environment conducive to advanced learning. Paralleled by this major shortcoming is a continued push on the boundaries of our society's morals, helped along by the trend of increasing leniency in our schools"

After I showed this to my dad he suggested that it might be too outright and could possibly be taken as an insult by administration at my school. I rethought out my essay and the course I wanted it to take and came up with this.

"When analyzing the sub-standard intellectual levels in the upcoming generation, it is evident that our society and the progressive breakdown of its moral infastructure are largely at fault."
I then wanted to incorporate the school systems' role in my essay with something like this:
"This trend is also shown in the public school systems across the nation and their inablility to provide students with an environment conducive to advanced learning."

I'd like to go to my principal tomorrow with this so any input you have to offer would be appreciated.

I'd also like to add this essay is being written purely at my own accord, it was not assigned.

mammamaia · 11-03-2005, 08:39 AM

still a red flag, imo... instead of stating your own personal conclusion as an absolute, why not pose your premise in question form, as if you are really seeking input in order to determine the actual state of education in the nation, and not merely wanting to get confirmation for what you've already decided is the 'truth'?

or, if you really feel you have to butt heads from the get-go, at least work some undisputed stats into your statements, so it doesn't just sound like the conclusions of a kid with an axe to grind...

and, when making up the questionnaire for your survey, keep the above in mind... get people's backs up with leading questions, and you'll only succeed in alienating the folks who hold your academic future in their hands...

i happen to agree with your premise, and think you're a brave soul for taking it to the source, but tread lightly, and be diplomatic, if you want to be allowed to conduct your survey and if you want to survive the fallout...

keep me posted, willya?... i'd love to know how this comes out... if you need any help with the wording, i'm only a mouse-click away...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

Kolt · 11-03-2005, 03:03 PM

Thanks for the advice. I get what you're saying about being diplomatic and using statistics to back up my claims so I have at least a little bit of credibility. Here is what I have planned for my survey so far, I was careful to avoid insulting the administration but ask questions that will warrant results I could utilize.

First I will start by asking the teachers when they graduated from high school with three options for answer- over 30 years ago, 11-30 years ago, and 1-10 years ago.

The first actual question will be:When you attended highschool was the overall environment more strict, less strict, or about the same?

The next question will be: Do you think the majority of the student population in the '06 graduating class is prepared or unprepared for the hardships and responsibility of higher learning at a college or university?

I'm not sure if I need more than this though. I think it should be sufficient to support my thesis if the results I get are favorable. Not as my sole source of support of course, but one of them.

lisajane · 11-03-2005, 09:11 PM

I wouldn't be saying that little speech to the principal. They'll take offense - you're pretty much telling the school that the teachers aren't doing a good enough job.

And on your third question, about the student population being prepared, what about those entering the workforce straight out of school?

galt · 11-03-2005, 09:27 PM

I think you have a good essay ahead of you, Kolt!
I disagree with those who suggest you restate your views, because you might offend the principal; I think as long as you present your opinions intelligently and courteously, you should say them how you want. I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you presented your views in the first paragraph.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kolt

When analyzing the sub-standard intellectual levels in the upcoming generation, you must strongly consider that our nations public school systems are at fault due to their inability to effectively prepare youths with an environment conducive to advanced learning. Paralleled by this major shortcoming is a continued push on the boundaries of our society's morals, helped along by the trend of increasing leniency in our schools."

But you could trim the sentences a bit so it flows more. For example, you could start it out more interestingly by writing: "Are the nation's public schools to blame in the sub-standard intellectual levels of the students?" The sentences seem rather lengthy; but they are scholarly and articulate.
Good luck!

Kolt · 11-03-2005, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by galt

I think you have a good essay ahead of you, Kolt!
I disagree with those who suggest you restate your views, because you might offend the principal; I think as long as you present your opinions intelligently and courteously, you should say them how you want. I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you presented your views in the first paragraph.

But you could trim the sentences a bit so it flows more. For example, you could start it out more interestingly by writing: "Are the nation's public schools to blame in the sub-standard intellectual levels of the students?" The sentences seem rather lengthy; but they are scholarly and articulate.
Good luck!

Yeah, I know what you mean about the sentences. I read them aloud yesterday and realized how easy it was to get lost in them. I generally don't like starting my essays with questions, not that I think it's a bad way, it's just not my style of writing. I'll figure out a way to condense them so they're easier to follow.

Kolt · 11-03-2005, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisajane

I wouldn't be saying that little speech to the principal. They'll take offense - you're pretty much telling the school that the teachers aren't doing a good enough job.

And on your third question, about the student population being prepared, what about those entering the workforce straight out of school?

That question is theoretical. Of course not all students who graduate go on to attend college, but despite their ability level and plans after highschool, they should be fully prepared to move onto higher learning of some kind. That's what the goal of all highschools should be, to provide students with a comprehensive knowledge that will enable them to further their learning.