Oracle

I've got a bit of second-person at the end of this paragraph, but the piece it's from is meant to be in third-person. Do you think I could still get away with it in this context though? I'm not speaking from any particular character's viewpoint yet, and it's just narration. (Also, if there's anything else in the paragraph you could critique, I'd be grateful).



As the air currents swept through the valleys and blew the tall grass eastward, a young man sat mounted on a horned, four-legged animal at the top of a hill. His long hair, the colour of dark pine, flailed behind him in a breeze of cool air and amber leaves. In his outfit of expensive silk and cotton, it would be apparent to even the simplest passer-by that this was a man of high status. The precise height of his status could only be seen in his eyes though. Looking closely, they held behind them an endless chasm of vivid emerald. It wasn’t so much that you saw how unique they were. It was more like something you felt down in your gut the moment you took a glimpse.

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mswietek

I think it reads oddly with just the sentences on the end in second person. If you were going to do it, I would make the whole paragraph that way.

Michael

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"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

Oracle

No, what I just said was that there was no character viewpoint. If there was, it would be easier to get away with. I agree with the replacement, since "one" would be my alternative anyways. I just think "one" can sound a little dull sometimes, and "you" is a little more engaging.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I can't do the whole paragraph that way though, so I suppose I'll jsut fix those sentences.

I thank the both of you.

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Saponification

As I say to other people who ask similiar questions: you can get away with anything if you do it well.

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Metta.