Action sequences and sounding too essaylike so to say - Writers Forum

gohn67 · 07-05-2005, 02:27 AM

I think this has been discussed already, but I'm too lazy to look.

Anyways, I find I have a hard time writing action sequences. I tend to right action seqeunces like, he did this, and he did that, etc. And I find that as a reader that that is boring to read. How would you spice it up more. Make it more interesting.

Here's small excerpt of an action sequence that I'm working on. (289 words)

The light flashed yellow as he approached the crosswalk. Then it turned red. Behind him, he could see Marla pushing her way through the crowd. He decided to enter the mini mart. As he stepped in, he felt the cold breeze of the air conditioner, which created much relief from the summer heat outside. The clerk’s brown eyes followed his every movement like a cheap security camera.

Ricky sat with his knees wrapped around his arms with the box by his side. He was hiding in the snack food section behind some boxes of saltine crackers stacked in a pyramid in the center of the aisle. He hoped Marla didn’t see him enter the store. Just a few more blocks to the post
office, and he would be rid of mean old Marla for good.

“Ricky, where are you. Let’s walk; I changed my mind. I understand how you’re feeling.” Her footsteps getting louder as she gets closer. “Come on, I’m tired of this game. How about we go to the mall and spend some of your Daddy’s money?”

He held his breath, and pressed his hand against his chest to stop his heart from palpitating, but that did no good. Marla walked past the saltines, and then turned around and lunged at him. Her arms forward, her whole body in the air, almost flying like Superman.

Like a pill bug, Ricky scrunched up. He rolled to his left. Crash. Boxes of saltines everywhere; Marla lay flat on the ground. After picking up the box, Ricky ran out of the store. Both of his hands clamped the lid shut, but stamps still fell out through the slits created by Marla’s fingernails. Close behind, high heels went clap clap clap.

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Also my second thing is, how do you avoid sounding like a essay or composition instead of some telling a story. Which kind of goes along with the action sequence thing becuase I think that's where I mostly start sounding to essay like.

Kikster · 07-05-2005, 12:52 PM

I say the part of the story you've posted is pretty good... the action sequence is not just a list of "he did this and then he did that".

I would work a little on the last three lines... maybe you could elaborate the fall scene, add some of ricky's thoughts as the events develop... that makes the action feel less like a list of things happening. I am not very good at describing action myself, so I can't really tell you much more. what I can tell you is that when I read I like to see both what is going on and what the character is thing about what is going on.

and your piece doesn't sound essay-like at all... or at least it doesn't sound like most of the piss-poor essays that I read when I was in school... =)

Ilan Bouchard · 07-05-2005, 02:34 PM

I must humbly disagree with Kikster.
As you brought the subject up, I assume you'll have the skin to take my comments as I present them.

Your actions had no description to them. As I read this, the characters interacted in my mind. The way you have your sentences made the characters move like robots. Robot stand on sidewalk. Turn around to look. Uh-oh, better go.
It read like a police report to me.

I think just changing the sentence structure a little would help it a lot. I'll show you what I mean with the first paragraph (and hope I don't desecrate your work in the process.)

As he approached the crosswalk, the light above flashed yellow, and rested on red.
He could see Marla behind him, pushing her way towards him through the crowd. Shit, he thought. He turned to the mini mart and tried to melt into the crowd as he entered. He sighed as the cold breeze of the air conditioner made soft of summer's heat. The clerk’s brown eyes followed his every movement like a cheap security camera.

Obviously you don't have to write it this way. I just messed around with your sentences in hopes of making clear what I meant.

Not sure what else to say. From what I see, it could help to let the character still be the character. As well as describe what he does, tell how he feels, how he reacts and what his intents are initially, and all that jazz. Make it a combination of description, action, and montage.

I hope that helps; I have really no idea if what I said made sense or if it was actually helpful.

(My problem is the exact opposite; I drift from the action to the montage or character description and never get back to the action. Equally frustrating.)

gohn67 · 07-05-2005, 05:25 PM

Thanks Kikster and Ilan.

Both of your suggestion revolved around kind of what he is thinking and maybe more detail. So I'll try to add more of that. Especially in third person, I tend to not get into the character's heads very well.

Quote:

Your actions had no description to them. As I read this, the characters interacted in my mind. The way you have your sentences made the characters move like robots. Robot stand on sidewalk

Yea, I defiintly don't want them to be robots. You should have seen the first version of this section, it was alot worse.

gohn67 · 07-05-2005, 10:30 PM

Here's kind of what I came up with based on suggestions.

Quote:

He stopped in his tracks at the crosswalk, the light flashing yellow. Maybe he could have run across in the few seconds before it turned red, but by the time he made up his mind, it was too late. Cars jetted off with urgency as if all them contained pregnant women about to give birth. Ricky didn’t understand why people were always in such a hurry. They were going to be stopped at the next block anyways. Maybe Henry wouldn’t have died then.

Pushing her way through the crowd was Marla. Ricky could only see her black flying saucer hat, bobbing around, surfing atop of heads. He looked around for a place to hide. The light still blinking red and not looking to change anytime soon. Marla getting closer. Squeezing his way through sweat drenched armpits, Ricky entered the mini mart on the corner.

A blast of cold air to his face greeted him. His eyes closed tight in defense and for a few moments he had to grope his away around the store blindly. He ran into a trash can, tipping it over. The owner yelled some sort of gibberish. Ricky ran over a cardboard cutout of a woman in a lime green bikini. It tipped over too. Her head broke off. Still smiling. Still perfect blond hair. All because she drank beer. The beer woman reminded him of how Henry died. Not really the head falling off, but the alcohol. The owner yelled some more.

When he finally opened his eyes, he stood facing a pyramid of saltine cracker boxes, placed in the middle of the aisle. For some reason he took this as sign and decided to hide behind it. Ricky sat with his knees wrapped around his arms with the box by his side. Just a few more blocks and he would be rid of mean old Marla for good.

“Ricky, where are you. Let’s walk; I changed my mind. I understand how you’re feeling.” Her footsteps getting louder as she got closer. “Come on, I’m tired of this game. How about we go to the mall and spend some of your Daddy’s money?”

He held his breath, and pressed his hand against his chest to stop his heart from palpitating, but that did no good. Marla walked past the saltines, and then turned around and lunged at him. Her arms forward, her whole body in the air, almost flying like Superman.

Like a pill bug, Ricky scrunched up. He rolled to his left. Crash. Boxes of saltines everywhere; Marla lay flat on the ground. She looked like she was in immense pain, her leg twitching and bent at a strange angle. Part of him wanted to help her up, and make sure she was okay. The other part of him felt she deserved this. After picking up the box, Ricky ran out of the store with little regret for what he did. “Marla will be fine”, he thought. Both of his hands clamped the lid shut, but stamps still fell out through the slits created by Marla’s fingernails. Close behind, high heels went clap clap clap.

Destany · 07-05-2005, 10:39 PM

This is much better than the first version, I like the way the scene interacts with him more.
The only thing I would mention is that Marla's leg is bent at a strange angle- indicated it's broken.
The next paragraph, she's clap, clap, clapping behind him.

If her leg is broken or injured, you might have her hobbling after him, clippety-clap, clippety-clap...

gohn67 · 07-05-2005, 10:45 PM

Quote:

This is much better than the first version, I like the way the scene interacts with him more.
The only thing I would mention is that Marla's leg is bent at a strange angle- indicated it's broken.
The next paragraph, she's clap, clap, clapping behind him.

If her leg is broken or injured, you might have her hobbling after him, clippety-clap, clippety-clap...

Good point, an over sight on my part like usual.

Does this work better?

She looked like she was in immense pain, her leg twitching and covered in cracker powder.

or

High heels go clippety-clap, clippety-clap, clipptey-clap.

Destany · 07-05-2005, 11:07 PM

I like both of those. I make oversights like that all the time too, sometimes not catching them for days. I've stopped sending chapters to my sister to read because I keep going through and correcting an error or oversight or plot hole as I go along

Kikster · 07-06-2005, 10:33 AM

oh yeah, the second version is soooo much better. the reader can really see what ricky is thinking as the action develops and that makes it more interesting.

as for the broken leg, I like both the sentences. maybe you should use both, so you describe both the pain and the hobbling... just an idea! =)

Ilan Bouchard · 07-06-2005, 12:14 PM

I liked the second version much better as well.

And, I realized when I read the second version that this is a continuation of "Stamps." Alas.

gohn67 · 07-06-2005, 12:35 PM

Quote:

And, I realized when I read the second version that this is a continuation of "Stamps." Alas.

Yea, it is. I've been revising and wasn't gettting much advice on this section, so posted part of it here.

suzakugaiden · 07-06-2005, 06:30 PM

Hm... Avoid choppier sentences, I guess. What you have actuallly is really good.

Also, get rid of the similes you have. They're not terribly good in their own right, they don't add much, and they're not even appropriate.