Delete Or Not? - Writers Forum

Banana_Brother · 05-15-2005, 07:48 AM

Well, I wrote this for a story I'm working on, but it might not be needed, so I'm going to get your opinions if I should keep it, or tell this information through the story.

And sorry for bad structure, it's a rough copy, I don't want to edit and revise until I know I need it.

____________

Chapter 1

The social order of the People of the Marsh is not complicated; it is simple but elegant.

The order is quite easy to remember; elderly people have no power and are useless except for war. For example, if the People of the Marsh went to war, and they were captured, then they would say the elderly are the leaders and they would most likely get the worst punishment. Cruel it is, but it would work, for the People of the Marsh are a smart group. But luckily, they have never gone to war.

Next are the children, they have power over the elderly, and usually, they will take advantage over this, although, the stronger of the order don’t appreciate it, and they always say to the kids that they would become one of the elderly one day.

After the kids, were the adults, they have quite a lot of power, but if they were to commit a crime, their punishment would be the worst of all the People of the Marsh. Usually, they would be thrown into the wet parts of the Marsh and be eaten by creatures no one dared to bother with.

The rulers of the Marsh are the middle-aged men, and their wives. They could change laws, steal food without being punished; they could do pretty much anything that they wanted to. Their time of ruling doesn’t last long though, it started at the age of forty, and ended at the age of fifty, then they were part of the elderly.

Their structure worked well though. The middle-aged men were usually wise, and would not steal, although they could… and they made sure they had unbreakable laws.

The Marsh that the People live in is the same size of Canada… times two. It was desolate, murky, dark… and dangerous. The People of the Marsh are the only people who inhabited it, and they’ve tried to get out. They’ve used search parties, but these search parties never come back, so they decided on banning searches, at least for the time being.

The creatures that inhabit the Marsh are more dangerous than anything in the marsh. Meeting up with one, meant that you weren’t going to live much longer. Luckily there were uninhabited areas of the Marsh, and that’s where the People set up their homes. They have their public buildings too, including a church, hospital, and a King’s Hall for the middle-aged men.

Not one member of the People of the Marsh knew how they came to live here, and none of the elderly remembered either, they just said that they were born into this desolate place.

Food was another issue with the People of the Marsh. All they got was a few plants, along with dirty, murky Marsh water, which tasted like old soot.

Overall, the People of the Marsh can pick to live a good, achieving life, or they can through it all away, complain and be disappointed.

Banana_Brother · 05-15-2005, 08:38 AM

By delete, I mean take out of the story, not "delete" it.

And thanks for the advice, and for your two cents it was actually really helpful.

Ralph A · 05-22-2005, 09:08 AM

It can work. Have one of your characters narrate it, but only as far as the heirarchies; elders, young adults, kids. Then, you can convey the last part in a give-and-take dialog.

Otherwise, the whole thing is a nice appendix on some foreign culture.

Might I suggest tightening everything up a bit? an example using your opening:

"The Social Order of the People of the Marsh is uncomplicated, yet elegant."

Delete "simple" - you already say it's "uncomplicated."

Then, since you say it's elegant and simple, your prose to follow must also be.

"The Order is easy to remember. The elderly exist solely to provide scapegoats in the event of a lost war. Otherwise they have no power."

Cast the rest of it that way. In the dialog to follow, someone could ask how many elderly were ever made to suffer due to war, and the answer can encapsule your original thought. "None, as there has not yet been a war..."

You have a nice start! Now hammer at it some.

Mike C · 05-22-2005, 10:43 AM

Strike it from the story.

'Show, don't tell' becomes a meaningless litany after a while, and it isn't always true. But follow it slavishly and you can't go too far wrong.

103_smalls · 05-22-2005, 12:05 PM

I would keep that as a not for yourself, but take all of that exactly the way it is written out of the story.

By that i don't mean don't explain any of it at all...by that I mean instead of just coming out and saying everything exactly, maybe you can have conversation between two of the characters and let it come out then. For example (regarding social place in society):

Elderly Man 1 got out of bed, and reached for his cane. He limped into the kitchen to find his wife had made him some elephant pasta (<-- wanted to be creative)
Seeing that her husband seemed upset, Elderly Woman 1 asked, "What's wrong honey?"
"I'm sick and tired of children having more power than us in society! It's crap! And I'm just as sick of adults having more power than us too. Can't they see that we're the wisest having had more experience?"

That wasn't the greatest piece of writing that I just wrote, but i hope ya got what i was trying to say.