dradams

I am an amatuer writer and I know that fiction is typically written in the past tense. I started a story and when I went back to read over the first few pages it seemed as though I had mixed the tenses throughout. I've pasted the beginning of my story below. Could I get some feedback on this issue (whether I'm ok or not)?

Thanks.


Rahya sat in the grass overlooking the practice field wondering which boys she would be mating with during the Autumn Festival. Her breathing was beginning to slow and the sweat running down her temples cooled her quickly in the crisp morning air. The sun was just getting high enough to be felt against her skin. She looked around at the different groups and then found the area where the boys from Bhresda were practicing. She thinks she spots Jhul among them. He is leading a squad of boys in an exercise. She feels a rush of pride and thinks of how proud their mother must be feeling since most people expect that Jhul will give an outstanding performance during the coming month. The high expectations don’t ever seem to bother him. Rahya figures she makes up for it by worrying enough for both of them.
She needs to head back soon to get ready for her morning classes. She usually doesn’t stop for a break during her morning run but all the activity on the practice field today caught her attention and now she’s a little later than usual. She picks up the pace as she heads back towards the city. It’s mostly down hill from this point and she can see all the way across the top of Bhresda’s buildings and spots sails glinting in the sunlight out on the lake. The boats never seem to take a break as they sail from one province to the next.
As Rahya nears the city, the slope begins to level out and her breathing deepens as she continues the quick pace trying to maintain her momentum. The sweat is running down her forehead and dripping from her eyelids again. She remembers when she first began her running routine and how her breath would get ragged shortly after starting out. Now she can run for an eighth of a day or more without a problem. Of course the Prokah boys can easily run twice that. She started this routine several years ago because she would wake early after a fit of dreams and not be able to get back to sleep. The running helped clear her mind after one of those nights and focus her for school. Now she does it every morning.
Her feet slap against the ground as she transitions from the moist grass to the hard packed sand of the road that leads into the city. She passes the first of Bhresda’s buildings and sees shutters opening and people stirring. The colors of the buildings always remind her of the earth itself with various shades of brown, sandy reds, and faded greens. The bright color of a freshly painted building stands out among the rest; but the sun will fade the fresh color into the others within half the year.
She continues on the main road leading to downtown Bhresda and the waterfront. She rounds a corner and enters the gate of the Prokah girl’s school. The living quarters are in a building to the far left of the complex. She rushes in the building, up the stairs to the second floor, and down the hall to the area where the fifteen-year-olds live. She opened the door to her room and sees Jheva getting dressed.
Jheva looks up at her. “You’re a little late today. I was starting to wonder if something happened.”
“I know. I stopped to look at the boys practicing. I lost track of time,” Rahya said.
“The boys from the other provinces? They’ve arrived?”
“Yes. Looks like most of them are here. They must have gotten in late yesterday.”
“I love this time of year. I think the Spring Festival is much more exciting than the Autumn. It’s the weather I think. How did they look? Could you make out the first-timers?” Jheva said with a mischievous look in her eyes. “We’ll have to go take a look later today.”
Rahya knows Jheva is more prepared for her first Festival than she is. It seems like she has talked about it constantly since she turned fifteen. Jheva has always been a bit more mature than Rahya. Even back when they first became roommates at age seven. Maybe she just feels less mature because she has always been shorter than the other girls. Even now she is a head shorter than Jheva, who isn’t any taller than average.
Rahya starts undressing. “I’ve got to bathe quickly,” as she heads for the washroom that she and Jheva share. “Oh, I wanted to ask you something,” Rahya said from the washroom. “Dhranya is performing tonight. The show is kind of late, but since we don’t have to get up for school tomorrow, I thought you might like to go.” She knows Jheva can’t pass up an opportunity for a little excitement.
“Where is the performance?” Jheva asked.
“The big theater-house down by the docks.” Rahya knows the place is frequented by mostly non-Prokah who work at the dock or on the boats. She also knows that Jheva won’t pass up the intrigue of having to blend in with the non-Prokah.
“I’d love to,” said Jheva. “Let’s go early so we can go take a look at the boys at the practice field first.”
“That sounds good.”
“It will be fun. You know how I love to play dress-up.”
Rahya smiles to herself. It should be a fun night. It’s always fun to get away from the everyday work and responsibility of the school and be like regular people once in a while.
“Someday you’ll discover your hidden talent,” said Jheva with a sarcastic tone.
Rahya laughed a bit. This is an ongoing joke between them. Rahya’s mother sits on the governing council of Bhresda. Her half-brother Jhul is a talented athlete and warrior. Her older half-sister Libya is considered one of the prettiest sixteen-year-old girls in the festival this Spring. Even Dhranya, her older non-Prokah half-sister, is a talented singer and actress. Rahya sometimes feels a little inadequate. She and Jheva joke how with that kind of family she must have some hidden talent somewhere. The joking helps, but she still feels the pressure of having to live up to everyone’s expectations.
“What are you going to wear tonight?” said Rahya through the washroom door. She waited a moment and heard no response. “Jheva?” No response. Suddenly she realized that the first bell must have rung. Why didn’t Jheva say something? Did she just leave without telling her that the bell had rung? Rahya quickly finished up and rushed out of her room. The halls were empty. The first bell must have rung and she just didn’t hear it. She still had a couple of minutes to get to class before the next bell rang signifying her tardiness. She rushes to the stairs and hurries down to the first floor where she bolts out the front door.
The complex was empty. Everyone must already be in class. She sprints across the grounds towards her first class and barely notices the damp grass beneath her feet. The second bell rings from the small tower at one end of the complex when she is about half way across the grounds. She runs even faster towards the building where her first class is beginning.
The door slams open with a bang. She is definitely going to be in trouble for this. The sweat is running down her face again as she closes in on the door of her classroom. She grabs the handle and takes a moment to try to calm her breathing before pulling the door open. She steps into the classroom and hears her teacher Chasa abruptly stop her lecture. She looks up to see an astonished look on the faces of her classmates. Her teacher has the same look for a moment, and then says, “Did you forget something Raheleya?”
Rahya thinks for an instant that she is speaking of an assignment that is due. The entire class then bursts into laughter. It startles her at first, and then a feeling of dread suddenly washes over her. She glances down for what she realizes is the first time since she ran out of the washroom and confirms what she fears. She is completely naked.
Her heart feels like it’s going to jump from her chest. She doesn’t know how long she stands frozen. When she finally comes to her senses and realizes that the class is still laughing she looks out across the faces. All of her classmates are there as well as one little boy sitting in the middle of the class. It takes a moment for her to focus on him. He is laughing along with the rest of her class of fifteen-year-old girls. She recognizes him. It’s Ahi. Suddenly, the realization that she is dreaming sweeps over her.

dradams

Pasting the story kind of screwed up the formatting but you should still be able to read it.

Scratches

Well, you start out in past tense, til this point:

At some point it becomes a mishmash of tenses:

You need a thorough revision of this, I'm afraid.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

Scratches

I've just realised - after your introductory paragraph, you go into present tense, and you switch back into past usually when people say something ("asked" and "said"). Hope that helps you pick out the errors.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

dradams

Thanks. I guess that is what I saw when I read it also. I didn't realize I was doing that while writing it.

lisajane

I agree, you switch between tenses a lot. You should try and stick with one tense, unless you really need to switch. My own novel switches tenses - with the majority written in present - but some parts are necessary to be written in past because it's flashbacks, which the novel needs. It's hard to deliberately do it.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'