chrysanthemum01

Can someone check for any grammar or sentence structure errors in the following essays? Also, if you have any advice to make it a tigher essay, please feel free to let me know. I'll take anything at this point, even the most harsh criticisms.


Q: If you had only $10 to plan a day’s adventure, where would you go, what would you do, and whom would you take with you?

Money cannot buy happiness. This is a cliché I experienced first-hand a couple of years ago when I lived in a shelter. My mother, my brother and I went hiding from my stepfather who left great debts and irremediable bruises on my mother. It was a rough time having to deal with the scarring experience as well as the poverty and the homelessness. However, the desperate times did not prevent our family from inundating our temporary home with love for one another, happiness of being together and memories we would cherish forever. These never cost a dime.
With this $10, I plan to spend a luxurious day with my family. First thing in the morning, I will take my family to the Central Park that is a walking distance from my house with a blanket to sit on and our old, purple Frisbee named Po Do, or grapes in English. I will also take with me a camera and a book to read. My mother will take her movie script that she uses for studying English and my brother his CD player that he carries around everywhere. We will relax beside each other, doing individual activities together. Then, we will play several games of Frisbee to determine the loser who will carry all the belongings home just like we used to do.
We will come home at lunchtime and grab a big bowl from which we will eat. I’ll help my mom make a Korean dish called Bi bim bop or simply a mix of all the leftover Korean side dishes, red pepper paste, and rice. Leaving my brother to stay home and watch cartoons, I will spend time alone with my mother on the subway, which cost $2 dollars per person. Whenver I need a place to think, I ride on the F train, which has less stops and long journeys in between. With the soothing, monotonous sound of the train and the rush of movement felt under our skin, my mother and I will talk about everything we have in mind. I have been wanting to spend more time with her since she works all the time and comes home when I am preoccupied with other work. But, time will not be a problem here under the long stretch of dark tunnels where both day and night feel the same.
At the end the day, I will have left 6 dollars that I plan to put in our family’s giant piggy bank that we started collecting when we were residing in the shelter. As one coin and one bill fill it up, our hopes for a better future, not necessarily more happy but better materialistically, emerge from under the heap of disappointments and discouragements in life. The day is not over nor is the adventure of building up our lives little by little. We’ll do this with the foundation of the strength we have as a family and money, not ten nor million dollars, will take any part in it.


I have some more that needs proofreading. If anyone is willing to do it, your help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Drzava

After someone gets suckered into it you'll never return.

chrysanthemum01

What do you mean?

Scratches

Hey chrysanthemum! My suggestions are (in bold):


Q: If you had only $10 to plan a day’s adventure, where would you go, what would you do, and whom would you take with you?

Money cannot buy happiness. This is a cliché I experienced first-hand a couple of years ago when I lived in a shelter. My mother, my brother and I went into hiding from my stepfather who left great debts and irremediable bruises on my mother. It was a rough time dealing with the scarring experience, as well as the poverty and the homelessness. However, the desperate times did not prevent our family from inundating our temporary home with love for one another, the happiness of being together and memories we would cherish forever. These never cost a dime.
With this $10, I plan to spend a luxurious day with my family. First thing in the morning, I will take my family to the Central Park that is a walking distance from my house, taking a blanket to sit on and our old, purple Frisbee named Po Do, or grapes in English. I will also take with me a camera and a book to read. My mother will take the movie script that she uses for studying English, and my brother the CD player that he carries around everywhere. We will relax beside each other, doing individual activities together. Then we will play several games of Frisbee to determine the loser, who will carry all the belongings home just like we used to do.
We will come home at lunchtime and grab a big bowl from which we will eat. I’ll help my mom make a Korean dish called Bi bim bop or simply a mix of all the leftover Korean side dishes, red pepper paste, and rice. Leaving my brother to stay home and watch cartoons, I will spend time alone with my mother on the subway, which costs $2 dollars per person. Whenever I need a place to think, I ride on the F train, which has fewer stops and long journeys in between. With the soothing, monotonous sound of the train and the rush of movement felt under our skin, my mother and I will talk about everything we have in mind. I have been wanting to spend more time with her lately, since she works all the time and only comes home when I am preoccupied with other work. But time will not be a problem here under the long stretch of dark tunnels where both day and night feel the same.
At the end the day, I will have left 6 dollars that I plan to put in our family’s giant piggy bank that we started collecting in when we were residing in the shelter. As one coin and one bill fill it up, our hopes for a better future, not necessarily happier but better materialistically, emerge from the heap of disappointments and discouragements in life. The day is not over, nor the adventure of building up our lives little by little. We’ll do this with the foundation of the strength we have as a family and money. Neither ten nor a million dollars will take any part in it.

---

That's pretty much how I think it should be, unless I've screwed up on a typo. If I've done anything to spoil your intended effect don't take my word for it!

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom