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Old 11-28-2004, 12:31 AM   #1
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writersblock14
intro anyone want to venture a critique?

Code:
 “Now, if you all would be so kind, please turn your to page 253 in your textbook,” said Mr. Henson.  “Mr. Knax!”
	Paul was jolted awake from his doze in AP biology..
	“Sorry Mr. Hens-----“
	“Mr. Knax, do you think you’re exemplified from the rest of the entire class in the requirement to pay attention in class because of your lack of physical preparation?  I’m sorry, but failure to prepare on your part does not, in fact, constitute an emergency on my part. Now if you’d turn to page 253, I will attempt to continue my lesson.” 
	Feeling groggy, Paul complied and thought to himself, “Gah, I’m so tired.  What a bitch. Can’t even get a decent snooze in this worthless class.  Oh boy, I love Mondays.” 
	The bell for the end of 5th period rang, and Paul met up with his posse at their lunch table.  
	“Hey Paul,” greeted Jamie.   She said with a grin, “Well, well, well.  Got a hot-looking new hairdo eh?  Liking those new highlights.  I’ll bet they’ll be a real treat for Crissy too huh?”  She gave him a playful punch in the arm.
	“Yeah….sure...” replied Paul.
	Jake, another one of the group exclaimed, “Hey, here she comes now!  Ooooh, Crissy, I want to hug you and kiss you and…” 
	Paul hit him on the head.  “Shut up man.  I seriously don’t like her anymore.”
	“That’s exactly what you said when about, oh, a year ago when we found out two days later, you actually told your friends a big fat fib, “ replied  Jamie with a big grin, who stood up, feigning anger with her hands on her hips.  
	Suddenly, Paul felt a wet sensation in his left ear.  Naturally, he turned around to see the source and their stood another of his friends, Matt, giving him a wet-wily, with his girlfriend Sam behind him.  Everyone, except for Paul, laughed and the two other sat down.  
	“So what was this I heard?  Jake wants your girl does he?  You better kick his ass mate.  I’ll even help,” Matt winked at Paul.  
	“Oh, I’m shaking in my down-unders Matt.  What are you two going to do?  Let your big, scary kangaroo on me?  How will I ever survive…?  Wail~.”  
	Suddenly, Jamie leaned over and whispered to Sam.
	“Hey, let’s ask Crissy out for our friend Paul.  He’s looking quite lonely today.”
	“Oh yeah, that’s a bright new idea that we haven’t done seven times.”
	“I know, but I’m bored and it’s always good for a laugh.”
	“Oh alright.  Lead the way.  Onward to Paul’s embarrassment!”
	Jamie and Sam walked over to the popular kids’ table and spotting Crissy, walked towards her.  Paul, seeing this made an effort to leave the table, but Matt and Jake held him down, both with the biggest grins on their faces.  
	When the two returned with the news, Paul exclaimed, “Well duh?  What’d you expect?  The 15 millionth time would get a different answer?  You guys get too much fun out of my embarrassment.  It despises me.” 
	However embarrassing the incident, Paul couldn’t help but smile, looking at his friends writhing in pain from uncontrollable laughter.  
	Leaving lunch, Paul left for his most interesting class, Writing III.   Eager to receive his most recently graded paper back, promised by his teacher, Paul rushed to class.  Upon arrival, Mr. Evans greeted him and the other students at the door, handing out the proper papers to their respective owners.  Paul scowled at the red, circled B- on his paper.  Flipping through, one could see anything but black text on the paper.  The entire work was covered in its entirety by red circles, dots, strike-outs, underlines, and all sorts of grammatical corrections.  Appalled at what happened, Paul made a mental note to go over the grade after class.
	When Paul approached the instructor, Mr. Evans held up his hand, and explained, “Paul, you seem to have this knack for creating worlds and emotionally-exhausting roller-coaster of literature, but you don’t seem to take any focus on the thoughts-to-paper!  I felt bad to give such a low grade for such an inspiring piece of work, but the errors in technicalities and wording was embarrassing.”
	Paul attempted at debating the statement but Mr. Evans stopped him.
	“Sorry I can’t discuss this with your further right now Paul, but I’m already late for a staff meeting.  Maybe later?  Have a nice day guy.”
This was intended to be the first page of my "novel" but I don't know. Does it sound ...very juvenille? Some lacking essential writing elemnts perhaps?
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Old 11-28-2004, 12:41 AM   #2
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I'm no strong writer myself, but it is definately lacking, it really doesn't lead the reader anywhere, its just dribble
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Old 11-28-2004, 01:01 AM   #3
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Yeah, it's not like I'm a wordsmith myself, but there are grammatical errors in this green thing and not just in Paul's paper :p
No direction, I'm just not sure where it's going, if anywhere at all.
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Old 11-28-2004, 10:38 AM   #4
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Not bad. I enjoyed reading it. If you want detailed help you should probably go to the critique and advice forum.
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Old 11-28-2004, 11:12 AM   #5
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you're misusing a lot of words, honeybun... seem to be falling into the young/new writers' trap of grabbing fancy words from a thesaurus without looking 'em up in the dictionary first... or else just using words you've heard but get tangled up with ones that sound like 'em...

yes, this does sound very juvenile... and it lacks a decent grounding in good grammar and spelling, as well as any kind of 'story' element... plus, it seems to have been denied a careful proofread...

my best advice is for you to stop trying to sound 'literary' and just learn to write clearly and intelligibly... if you want a detailed edit of all the goofs in this piece, you can email it to me for one of my infamous hatchet jobs [includes whys and wherefores, along with examples of how to do it right]...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com
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Old 11-28-2004, 11:59 PM   #6
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I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to read all of it.

As everyone has said, it didn't appear to have any direction, but was rather a shambling depiction of a typical school day. It is also a little 'young', but I suppose that depends on your market, who your readers will be (I'm assuming you're 14, from you screen name. You can correct me)

That all being said I liked the dialogue. I felt it was true to the age of the participants. It also felt enough like a jumbled conversation for me to see the group of teenagers speaking.

But I think the content and the word choice are lacking, probably from nothing more than your inexperience.

Is there a story here? Give us an outline of the ongoing plot, and we'll let you know.

But yeah, word choice, mate. You're all over the place.
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Old 12-07-2004, 04:31 AM   #7
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decent..needs work...they covered it above.

Bright side? if you can edit it useing some of our suggestions i am willing to read more. But this is me.
The dialog reminds me of school, oh how i hated it, so it was good. AS for story line, to short to tell.

Good luck. And dont worry, it wasn't all that bad.
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