bluecurtaindg

i have tried to reread my work.[yes yes]
and i realized that if i see it, i would find about 2000+ grammar mistakes.
though, i know that i just ignore parts of the sentence, because i go with the flaw.
my school lit mag adviser said it makes the piece interesting, and gives the piece this poem-like characteristics.
ignored parts of the sentences are just too much, and seems to bother them.
here is a beginning part of my work which i recently wrote.

now i see, and you see, that i have tons of grammar mistakes.
i don't put nouns sometimes. i don't put verbs. i repeat sentences.

is definitely different feeling from

so questions.
1. if you had the work of mine "had to be re-read", would you have meant that i should add proper nouns and verbs in places, or something else?
2. if i write like the way i write(with broken grammar) would the readers be bothered, and just decide not to read it?
3. if i were to keep some of the broken grammar, and fix others. which ones should i keep?
4. can you picture the scene easily? can you know what the character feel? does the point come across?
5. do you prefer the way with broken grammar or correct grammar?

sincere answers and comments would be helpful..

Talia_Brie

It's a little disturbing to read, because I don't know if it's poetry or prose. From a commercial perspective that will make it difficult to market.

Personally I didn't read the whole thing, and I think that answers one of your questions. It has the feeling of a draft to me, an incomplete outline of events.

Readers expect the conventions of the language to be followed, and you aren't doing that. If I wanted to be nasty I'd say it's not stylistic, its wrong, but I don't know you enough to say something like that. It may be your style, but it is contrary to what a reader wants to see, and I think that is a problem nonetheless.

Whether I can picture the scene is not necessarily relevant if I don't want to read the entire work. Now I know that getting the scene across is in fact the whole point, but I think you need a reader for that, and I would suspect you would struggle in that regard, because of the style.

That being said, throwing in a passage like this occassionally would be effective. You might think of using this style in a first person POV, but I would say only if you were inserting it into an otherwise traditional peice of prose.

That might be a little harsh, but it's what I think.

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Chris

bluecurtaindg,

Depends on the reader. I suggest showing your work to a variety of people, including people on these forums, and formulate an answer from that.

I'm assuming you're breaking grammar rules for stylistic purposes, in that case, it's not my job to tell you what to keep and what to leave. You're the artist of this piece.

Yes. The scene is clear. If I'd want to read in this style for 100+ pages is another issue.

Are you meaning your piece or stories in general?

I think you should write your story the way you want to.

There are lots of books which use broken grammar, and some are highly inventive, The Butcher Boy by Frank Macabe comes to mind. But I prefer stories with correct grammar, if only to help improve my own writing, since I still have a far ways to go.

Good luck with your writing.

-Chris

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Fool! said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. - Sir Philip Sidney

bluecurtaindg

well thanks to both of you. i would like to hear from more people.
it's amazing... i thought online forum would not really care about my feeling and throw bitter, but truthful comments. [and that's why i came here.]
hurt me, people![hahaha]

D4rk_3|f

quick one.

You say here the ray was warm. What ray?. Is it a ray from a laser gun or a Sunlight ray.

maybe like this

"The cooling wind , the warmth of the suns rays"

I dont know try that.

here you are talking about two seperate seasons thus confusing us.

Try and merge them
" it was the end of Autumn, summer was beginning shine through"


go throught the whole thing and try do what I have done here and Im sure you'll have a much better piece of English as well.

Keep up the good work bro!

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"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."

Marska

Precise placing of nouns and verbs isn't that important. Have you ever read Emily Dickinson? She used what would be considered odd and unqiue spacers for her poetry (a long - to make the reader pause) and was only precise in her language when she cared about it (its about writing for yourself or for someone else).

If you have to change the flow or style of your piece to suit grammar, its not even worth considering, but things like capitalization after a period are important, because it keeps your work from looking sloppy.

mammamaia

i find your style here very impactful... and i wouldn't change any of it into fancier perfect sentences, as some have advised, albeit well-meaningly... it punches the reader with the gut blows this man seems to be feeling... as i'm assuming you wanted it to do...

a few minor glitches could be fixed, but overall, it's not a story... it's poetry... or, as some call stuff like this these days, 'poetic prose'... or a 'prose poem'...

is this man in the tent a soldier in iraq or some other war-torn desert country?... or someone bent on revenge?... or...?

you have a rare gift, blue!... let it take you where it's meant to go... follow your gut, even when your head or others' want you to conform... i'd love to help you with this piece, if it's not just about a mindless act of violence... let me know if i can be of any help, ok?

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

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Drzava

Prosetry!

Talia_Brie

I resemble that remark.

I was talking from a commercial perspective, and I think I'll stand by what I said. From the perspective of writing as an artform, you've probably got a point, but as someone else said, would I want to wade through 100+ pages of that style?

I just don't think so.

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bluecurtaindg

hmmm... well understood....

mammamaia

talia... i agree with the idea that a book's worth of this style would for sure try the reader's patience... i was referring to just the piece posted here... if the writer does indeed intend to write pages and pages like that, i'd advise him to rethink the idea...

hugs, m

ps: gee, i don't think you look like that remark at all!

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bluecurtaindg

go to here...
if the link doesn't work, just find my work in Critique section.
that is the whole thing.

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=68520