Airborneguy

That looked perfect to me. The thing I like about dialogue is that I can revert to my "street" slang. In my line of work, no matter how hard you try to speak correctly, you will get wrapped up in it. The majority of people I deal with don't even speak english, and then ones that do are at about the second grade level, either by choice or their unfortunate situations. That is why I wanted to make sure I am getting the punctuation correct, because I already take massive liberties with the language within the content.

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eleutheromaniac

I do the same thing: I hate books where everyone speaks the same way.

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Augmented Reality

JustWrite

Off Topic:

Airborneguy, you're a police office in New York City???? Oooooh, that's pretty scary! Do you work in cities like Harlem, Queens, Bronx, etc.?

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Airborneguy

Brooklyn actually. Its not that scary! Just a little bit....

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TempterOfFate

It's been pretty well covered, but I was always taught to replace a period with a comma in dialogue. All other punctuation remained the same.

"What do you mean?" he said.
"I hate lettuce!" she yelled.
"You don't have to scream," he replied.

Character voice is very important for dialogue. If your characters have a strong voice of their own, "he said, she said" isn't necessary; however, if your characters' voices are similar or you want to be certain, identify the speaker the first time they speak (and if there are only two in the room at the time, you only need to identify the first speaker) and then after that you should only need to refresh during a particularly long dialogue or speech where the reader may have lost track of who was speaking or who is present or to add a description of action a character may be taking while speaking.

...."and that's how we got the dwarf with his machine guns in the duffle bag through airport security," Charlie said, finishing his extremely long story and sipping from his waterglass.

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HisNibs

Take out the comma and it is correct. Example from a Charles Dickens novel (David Copperfield): “All the way where?” inquired the carrier.