vsolt21

Hello everyone.

I've been trying to write a story with alot of dialogue in it. My problem is that I'm ot sure of the best way to show that exchanges in dialogue are from different people. How do I separate the dialogue with using "he said, she said" Here is a piece of the story.

Little Jon Stevens looked out the window of his room as a white station wagon pulled in across the street. Looking out the window, he saw a man and a woman climb out. The man opened the rear driver’s side door and out stepped a little girl. The girl was about the same size as Jon, she had coal black hair pulled back into a ponytail. She was wearing a flower printed dress and knee high stockings. The woman opened the other door and lifted a very little girl out of a car seat. Jon just stared out of the window. His mother Judi walked into his room.

“Honey, what are you looking at? Is there something interesting outside?”

“Yeah, I think we have new neighbors, Mom. They have a little girl that is about my size, she has black hair and she is kind of cute, from what I could see.” “Why don’t you go over there and ask them if you can help them carry their things into their house and help them get comfortable.” “Ok Mom, I’ll be back later.”

Jon stood by the station wagon, waiting for his new neighbors to come out of their house. The man walked out of the house and toward Jon. The man was wearing a light blue button-up shirt and a pair of tan slacks. Jon was staring at his shoes, not wanted to make eye contact.
“Hello son, you must be one of our new neighbors. Well, what is your name?”

“My name is Jonny Stevens.”

“Well Jonny, my name is Frank Laveau. Let me go get the rest of my family, so I can introduce them to you.”

Jon looked through the windows of the station wagon and tried to count all of the boxes that were still inside. “Jon, I would like for you to meet my wife, Cheri Laveau.” She was a beautiful woman with black hair down to her shoulders and very curly. She was wearing a long red dress that flowed down the ground. Jon couldn’t take his eyes off of her eyes, the way they sparkled, and the color, a deep, dark green. “Jonny, this is my daughter.” Before Frank could finish his introduction, the little girl spoke up.

“My name is Lindsey Marie Laveau. I’m seven years old. How old are you?” “I’m seven years old, too.” “Wow, I guess we are going to be in the same class when school starts. This is my little sister Jessica Laveau, she’s two years old.”

Jon thought that he know what accent that Lindsey was using, suddenly he remembered a show that he had watched, and realized that she was talking with a Louisianan accent. Jon looked at Jessica; the little girl smiled at him and waved her hand. “She looks like she likes you. She is usually is afraid of strangers.”


If anyone can help me with this problem or any other problems that I didn't see, I would apperciate it.

Thanks
vsolt21

Jollster

Dialogue on its own can work well (read Closing Time by Joseph Heller) but I think you just lack some description here. Not just 'he said', 'she said', but describe how they're saying it. But don't go overboard.

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"Writing is easy; all you have to do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead."

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 83 (is word count two words?)

Jollster

For example,

Nothing major, but just to give you an idea of what I'm trying to get at.

Also "walked" is quite a weak verb. Sounds a bit plain. There's a whole load of other words for 'walk' which could give more description to how she enters the room (amble, bustle, etc).

__________________
"Writing is easy; all you have to do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead."

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 83 (is word count two words?)

gabriella

Avoid using the word "well."

It's an evil little bastard...

Very corruptive, and tiny. And they quickly multiply, infesting your novel, eating away at it and gripping at it with pincer-like claws, refusing to ever let go.

Run! Run now, while you still can!

*runs off to beat at infesting wells in own novel with a baseball bat*

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You write by sitting down and writing - Bernard Malamud.

Kat

Each time a new person speaks you need to do a new paragraph.

"Yeah, I think we have new neighbors, Mom. They have a little girl that is about my size, she has black hair and she is kind of cute, from what I could see.”

“Why don’t you go over there and ask them if you can help them carry their things into their house and help them get comfortable.”

“Ok Mom, I’ll be back later.”


Although it shouldn't be doubles spaced just indented it doesn't allow that here. It shows that another person is speaking.

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