stuckinnarut... a big fat hairy writing rut - Writers Forum

Kittie · 08-19-2003, 08:24 PM

I have known since I was very young that I AM a WRITER. (Enough with the ego already...!) Yet, as I have grown, it becomes more difficult for me. Maybe I set increasingly higher standards for myself. Maybe I'm not really the writer I always thought I was. Yet, I cannot resign myself to anything else. I feel dull and empty.

But I'm not feeling "full" when I write, either. Rather, I start to feel inept, ignorant, and worthless.

I am 22 years old. I remember when the words flowed more easily. It wasn't so long ago, either. When I was eighteen, I didn't think about my writing in terms of "is this publishable" or "would an editor notice this" or anything of the sort. I had small, vague visions of literary grandeur, but it didn't interfere with my ability to just put the words on the page.

Now, however, I can't seem to get out two consecutive sentences of creative freethought without feeling like a miserable failure. Sometimes, I'm able to keep going. I'm able to force myself to forget all the nonsense I tell myself. I'm able to have fun with it. I might even feel good about it. It seems so rare though.

Maybe my problem is what I like to call "diversionary tactics." Anything and everything suddenly becomes so much more *immediate* than the writing. Checking my email, taking a shower, cleaning up, sleeping, reading, slamming my head against a wall, posting on internet forums (this is my second that I've found that I've been willing to try).

I created a character in January. I created others around her. I wrote several scenes. I thought of fleshing it out into a novel. I worked steadily every day (at this wonderful little coffeeshop a block from my house where there was always a nice clean table, the waitstaff didn't mind that all I ever ordered was coffee, and everyone 'knew my name'). Then, I came to the conclusion that my story was loosely based on an experience with a now-lost friend. And other things suddenly started falling around me. And I stopped writing. This was in mid-April. Now, the original story has stagnated in my mind. Yet, I still feel somewhat compelled to go on simply because I put so much effort into it. Even if I did realize that the main character was the female incarnation of my arch nemesis and lost friend.

I don't know where to start again. My environment has changed since then. I no longer live a block from the Beanery. I live 2000 miles away. I don't know anyone other than the person I live with... and he's grating on my nerves. I haven't had the energy to find another cafe or quiet place (other than my house) to do my writing in. (I know... maybe it's a terrible cliche... but you know what... that's where it started happening... so that's where I let it happen.)

I feel positively inadequate. I feel I should go back to school (perhaps only another diversion). I feel something more needs to happen before I can start writing. I feel stuck. I want to write. But I'm stuckinnarut.

Please don't mince words! I need help!

rcallaci · 08-19-2003, 09:30 PM

Kittie

I'm sorry your life is not working out the way that you expected, but getting down about it is not the answer either. From the little of what you wrote it seems that you've come to the conclusion that you made a big mistake in leaving home. Your saftey net is gone and you feel like your falling into a bottomless pit. Your writing feels dull because your life at this time is adrift. Liston to your heart and head, it already knows what you have to do.

You seem like a charming and bright young women although quite depressed at the present moment but believe me that will pass, but you do need to get a grip on your life. Someone as bright as you should be in school, learn your craft, meet like minded people. If the guy your living with is getting on your nerves, then ask yourself why, liston to your heart it will tell you what to do. If you love to write , no excuses just write, don't worry about it being good, just do it.

If you need to go back home, no shame in that but do it for the right reasons, to better your life, it's the only one you got.

I hope things work out for you, the world can seem quite horrible but in that horror does beauty lie.

Warmest Regards,
Bob

Kittie · 08-19-2003, 10:48 PM

Again, I really appreciate what you have to say. And it is *time* to just write... without all the excuses!

True, my life is not going in any way I'd like it to... or foreseen. And maybe these forums aren't really the place for such things... but... well, I think maybe most people can understand. I'll try not to bring a lot of my miseries around! I try to stay lighthearted, anyway... but sometimes... well... you know...

Thank you. Just thank you.

msylvia · 08-25-2003, 12:39 PM

If you have a lot of angst and unhappiness, writing could be your escape.

You cannot sit there and write wondering if others will like it. You just have to do it, and do it, and do it. Editors like good stories and good writing ... so, yes, learn the craft. Spend years learning the craft.
However, if you are trying to force yourself to be a writer, then it will always be forced. You may be trying to cram yourself into the wrong art.
And, always always always listen to your gut.