Understatements of The Century - Writers Forum

Bishop · 07-13-2003, 03:39 PM

I have been having a rather serious problem in my writing. I'm finding that I describe action much more that description. Sometimes on my rather un-inspired days, half of my sentences will start with "he" or some form of that word. How can I help this if it is not incurable?

kinetickyle · 07-13-2003, 04:09 PM

I would say just write the first draft and go back and rewrite the sentences you don't like. It might be a little tedious, but the important thing is to get the ideas down. Or, you could do like I do and just step away for a bit. I like to get my mind completely off whatever I'm working on if it gets to be too forced.

type · 07-13-2003, 04:49 PM

Actually, writing about action is preferable to merely writing description, since action makes a story move. Once they empathize with the main character, readers will be interested in how he or she deals with a given situation and keep turning pages to find out what happens next.

And the advice about allowing drafts time to cool before working on them again is right on! From my own experience, I have learned that nothing can be worse than sitting and struggling with a troublesome paragraph or rough draft page for hours and hours. So I force myself to leave it alone and put it aside in an obvious place for further work later on.

Kitten Courna · 07-13-2003, 09:04 PM

I'm terribly familiar with this problem, but do you think you could post an example, Bishop? While flat out advice is good, frequently it helps to have something 'tangible' to work with. PLus, I promise we won't hold it again you *grin*.

-Kitten

Bishop · 07-14-2003, 03:26 PM

Hey, Here's a post from the rough draft of one version of "Vecernicus" (check critique and advice for my post on that):

Gabrial walked out of the Dojo, pressing a button on his keychain. A car in the small parking lot gave out a small squeak. The sun was setting fast, leaving an orange-pink glow on the horizon. Not that Gabe could see the horizon anyways, as the tall buildings surround him in the concrete jungle. Slamming the car door shut, he shoved in the key and turned, the car sprang to life quickly. He turned to look out the back window as he backed out of the parking lot.
The road was almost empty, which didn’t settle Gabrial at all. In all the four years of living in this city, he had never seen the roads so empty. The silence rang in his ears, annoying him slightly. Keeping his eyes on the road, he tapped in a CD barely sticking out of the player. With mechanical buzzing, it slid in and a quiet beat played in his car. He turned it up and sighed, steering with one hand, and setting the other elbow first on the small curved ledge by the window.
Gabrial was twenty four years of age, and liked to keep tidy in his house and on his body. His head sported only a shaved length of hair, keeping it easy to maintain. He preferred dress clothes over causal, oddly feeling comfortable in them. He lived alone in a small house in the city, liking it and preferring to keep it that way.
His eyes took a moment to adjust to the sudden light as he flipped on the switch in the kitchen.

I'm not finished, and I tried to make it good, and if it isn't right, tell me whats wrong with it, thanks..

type · 07-14-2003, 03:33 PM

It sounds as though Gabrial is running away from something. I think you have built up the suspense well, providing us with details of what the character is doing and what is going on at the moment. And now that the character is in the kitchen, what leaps out at him! Let us know quickly.

Kitten Courna · 07-14-2003, 04:06 PM

I would suggest getting to know your character more. You have an informal, nearly cynical tone, with a touch of fear towards the middle, and you need to let that flourish.
Also, while a lot of things are important(or at least seem to be) keep in mind what's important to the story. The shape of the window ledge, perhaps, is not a necessary description. Eliminate uneccesary adjective and adverbs in order to make your writing less cumbersome, and keeping that in mind may help you prevent a struggle with your descriptions. You will likely have an easier time -adding- than -subtracting-, so don't be afriad of doing so.
Your character description at the end is a good one, but you need to have the same tone that you did in the beginning, only with a more 'outside' feel to it, if you understand me. combine a few more of those ideas in the last paragraph and take out the unnecessary words, and it will flow better.

good job

-Kitten

Beatrice Boyle · 07-14-2003, 10:28 PM

I'm more concerned about the basics...spelling and grammatical errors. First of all, Gabrial should be spelled Gabriel (el) not al. And leave off the s in anyway. Nothing screams amateur more, than gramatical errors like this.

You should work to improve your sentence structure. i.e: You've used back and backed in the same sentence. Try not to repeat the same word in the same paragraph if possible. You could have said "looked in the rearview mirror etc.) Substitute another word for "settle" Somehow, contemporary speech when spoken, just doesn't stand up when you write it down, at least not in this context.

Go back to your dictionary, old lanquage study books from school, thesaurus etc. and read and re-read the old classics. The key to successful writing, lies in the fundamentals. Once you've mastered them, you can play around with the words in ways that work for you! (I know I sound like your mother or an old teacher, but Hey, that's what Grandma's are for!

crazylegs · 07-15-2003, 04:32 AM

I think Kitten and Beatrice have both given you some excellent advice. Go for the tightest prose you can by using fewer, good quality adjectives and adverbs; and work hard on grammar.

Going back to your initial question about how heavily 'action oriented' your prose is - I would say this is something you don't need to worry about as much as Kitten's and Bee's pointers. I think it brings immediacy, and contributes a lot to the atmosphere - the feeling that he's running away from something, as type said.

Ways you could complement your action-oriented writing would be to show us something of how your character feels - since you are in third person you can play God and show us his thoughts and feelings. Try showing us his world through all five senses (I always try to use sense of smell in my writing, because smells are such strong keys in to our memories, and as such make for vivid descriptions).

Bishop · 07-16-2003, 12:02 PM

Okay,

I'm thinking that the modern era is not my strong point. I'm brainstorming on a medieval fantasy and a story in the sixteen-seventeen hundreds. And by the way, It's Gabrial, because I chose to spell it Gabrial, I spell a name the way I want to.

crazylegs · 07-17-2003, 03:27 AM

Hey Bishop -

Maybe I'm wrong, but your message makes you sound demoralised by the responses you got here - you shouldn't be. There's lots that's good about your writing. The critiques are from people who want to help you get better - we can all improve, and I think most of us want to!

Oh - and it's your prerogative to spell 'Gabrial' however you want to!

Delgesu · 07-17-2003, 01:21 PM

Hell yeah, I agree with crazy. He talks sense. Be patient and if you begin to read what you write and enjoy it, then thats about all one can hope for. You just have an action style. Nowt wrong with it. We each write to our strengths. Some of us don't have the wherewithal to be well versed on grammar, syntax all that shash, so all advice, good or bad, is good...ironically...
Good luck.
Thnak you.

Bishop · 07-18-2003, 06:18 PM

No, I'm not that easily discouraged from writing something. I just wrote another 10 pages on it and.....it lost that quality it had in the beginning. Anywho...I haven't gotten around to the other stories but I'll have them soon.

Bishop.