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Thread: I Need My Pants - (513 words) Language

  1. #11
    RaevenLord-The removal of the italics makes sense and you're probably right. It will read better. More like tripping over your feet as you're walking.
    Yes. More description - and it may come as a surprise - this isn't a sci-fi piece. Though you wouldn't be able to tell from the little I've given you so far.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  2. #12
    Jamboree- I often get lost in the details and re-writes and I loose the 'juice'. The juice being whatever it is that keeps me writing a specific story. So continuing is not a bad idea.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  3. #13
    Hey, this was a fairly enjoyable read,
    think you did the 3rd person pretty well,
    except I question whether you absolutely
    need the exposition at the end of the 1st paragraph,
    i think by cutting it you create more suspense
    because it seems like just an ordinary event that could happen in real life,
    and then BOOM, this guy opens up a magic window out of nowhere!

    the reference to the 9th circle of hell tripped me up a little bit,
    because it got me wondering about the world rather than focusing on
    the scene...

  4. #14
    Pryomanic-You've definitely given me some food for thought. I'll probably move on to the next piece before I revisit the 1st, but I'll keep your suggestions in mind.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  5. #15
    An interesting little snippet here. I don't have too much more to add that has not already been said but, as Jamboree has mentioned, you might want to spruce it up with a little more description. Other than that, I thought it was quite comical and I applaud you for the originality of your style. As bcharles mentioned, though, don't be afraid to add some more vivid tags to the work. I know that "said" is a good way of putting it but, hey, there's always room for creativity!

    Cheers! And keep on writing! : D
    Carpe Diem.

  6. #16
    danielstj-Glad you liked the style. I think the comments I received about tags are mainly about overuse. I'll definitely open up my bag of 'tags' for the next part.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  7. #17
    Member Jamboree's Avatar
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    Yeah Nathan I know how you feel. Often when I get stuck on rewriting and never seem to be happy with it and then I get frustrated with my writing and stop for a little while rather than just leaving the part for the moment and continuing the story.

    Not Sci-fi eh? Interesting. Must be fantasy then surely... Unless losing your pants is the worst horror imaginable to you
    Interested in how Mars-127's story continues?
    I am looking for Beta Readers to guide me along the way. Send me a PM if interested - Jam


    Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living - Jonathan Safran Foer

  8. #18
    lol - some kind of magic is involved -- to be honest I haven't worked out all the particulars
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

  9. #19
    So far I like it, its smart and funny, I was able to get a good visual from your descriptions of everything. I love a good story that can make me laugh! Please keep that humor going in your story.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  10. #20
    NeenaDiHope- Glad it got your funny bone. I've just finished binging "Better Call Saul". The characters are just excellent at making decisions that go against their better judgement - and putting themselves in intractable positions. And how much like real life. I'd like to bring some of that into this weird world and hopefully keep the humor alive.
    "I think it's blessed are the cheese makers." "...What's so special about the cheese makers?" - Life of Brian

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