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Thread: Beverly Hills

  1. #1

    Beverly Hills

    I remember sitting on the bar stool at the coffee shop, it was made of wood. The windows were rectangular with a beautiful view of the sunset at the beach; and I was drinking my third cup with Kevin, my partner from the lawfirm who happened to join me.

    I always can tell when he gets anxious, it's usually when it's too long of a cigarette break. That's when he starts creating excuses, anything to go outside and smoke. He kept insisting on dropping his eyes to gaze at my very large breasts-- in the moments he thought I wasn’t looking.

    I put a cigarette in between my lips and he immediately pulled out his lighter from the inside pocket of his brown blazer. We went outside on the sidewalk with the sandy beach across the road. Kevin wasn’t the most handsome man in the room but he certainly had style. His broad physique looked really nice in his clothes, and I use to always dream about seeing him without a shirt. He had the kind of arms that can make a girl say yes.

    I wanted him to take me away from this place, to take me away from the firm, away from the courtrooms, but what I really wanted was for him to take me away from my life. The first time we met was right here on this old piece of pavement, we were dressed in our business attires as usual, and I never went anywhere without my favorite lipsticks. Kevin was always nice enough to light my cigarettes, but when we first met he had the appearance of a wounded dog, three years has pass since then-- and yet he still has that same beat up and defeated look.

    “You going to smoke your cigarette or just stare at my face all day?” he said. *Kevin is a man of class like my father who's family are descendants in a long line of aristocrats.

    My father always fancied the piano and he would dance with my mother by the fireplace, that was one of his favorite pastimes during those cold winter nights at our family cabin in wyoming. I was the only child so my mother always bought me lots of dolls to play with, but when I became more of a teenage girl-- well, you see, I was getting more attention from all the boys at school.

    They liked to whistle at me whenever I walked by, but during his last years of living my father and I were intimately close. I forgot to make room for any other boy in my heart. Then one night I met up with kevin at a downtown hollywood party, where he offered to buy me a drink.

    When I awoke several hours later in a single bedroom apartment, I was laying on the couch in his shirt, while he was standing in the kitchen adjacent to me making breakfast. Although we work together, we barely spoke to each other after that.

    Instead we spent our times avoiding each other and kept our past interaction a secret. Now here we are standing on the outside of the same coffee shop. I took a few puffs and responded,

    “It's not everyday you offer to help me.” He only smirked at my remark but for me it was enough. It was a start.

    “Listen we need to take care of the Billy Green case,” he replied.

    “It's always business before pleasure with you.” *

    After our talk I watched him walk down the street into his black sports car which he then pulled around and parked next to me. I got inside and we drove off into the sunset.

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  2. #2
    Member dither's Avatar
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    rickyknight1,
    We're told in here that as a critique, simply saying that " I like it " won't do.
    I'm a reader, that's all and in a book of shorts this would fit wonderfully.
    Okay, I 'll say it, I like it. I more than like it, it's a great little piece.
    You leave the reader wondering and yet I, as a reader, don't need anymore. It's enough and the ending works perfectly imo.

    Well done, keep writing and posting.

    -------------------------

    Wasn't much help was I, sorry.
    If i post a comment on a "WIP", LOOK! I'm a reader that's all, and i can only tell how i feel, as a READER, giving/offering feedback. Hoping to learn and grow here. So please, tell me where i'm going wrong.

    Me? I'm just a fly on the wall.

    Look! I'm trying, okay?

    One can but dream, if only i had dared.

    "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong" Mahatma Gandhi.
    Alas, i am weak.

    I must find a way to Eastbourne and i so wish that i could dance.

  3. #3
    Advanced Mentor bdcharles's Avatar
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    Hi,

    There are some great lines in here:

    He kept insisting on dropping his eyes to gaze at my very large breasts-- in the moments he thought I wasn’t looking.
    Kevin is a man of class like my father whose family are descendants in a long line of aristocrats.
    He had the kind of arms that can make a girl say yes.

    But there are also lots of comma-spliced lines:

    I remember sitting on the bar stool at the coffee shop, it was made of wood.
    I always can tell when he gets anxious, it's usually when it's too long of a cigarette break.
    The first time we met was right here on this old piece of pavement, we were dressed in our business attires as usual
    My father always fancied the piano and he would dance with my mother by the fireplace, that was one of his favorite pastimes during those cold winter night

    I'm not sure why those run-ons are used. Additionally, why not "I remember sitting on the wooden bar stool at the coffee shop" - the "it was made of" is kind of filler text. If you want to bump up the word count, then make the words count: "I remember sitting on the wooden bar stool at the coffee shop at the corner of Fifth and Somewhere." Otherwise you're diddling yourself out of quality writing.

    Couple of errors:

    Kevin is a man of class like my father who's family are descendants in a long line of aristocrats. (mentioned above)
    Then one night I met up with kevin
    three years has pass[ed] since then

    Hope this is of use
    As a Mentor, please feel free to PM me any questions or bits of work you want looked at, and I shall do my level best to help out.



    ~ * ~

    "Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us."
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    ~ is this fire, or is this mask?
    it's the Mantasy! ~
    - Anonymous

    *

    "C'mon everybody, don't need this crap!"
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  4. #4
    Ricky
    I do not want to be critical. My thoughts are more about style. You want your reader to paint a mental image. To see what you write in their minds eye. Your words become reality when they do. You can destroy the image for them with too many words.

    Look at the first paragraph.

    I remember sitting on the bar stool at the coffee shop, it was made of wood. The windows were rectangular with a beautiful view of the sunset at the beach; and I was drinking my third cup with Kevin, my partner from the lawfirm who happened to join me.

    How does knowing the bar stool was "made of wood" or the "windows were rectangular" advance the story? Why are three cups of coffee important? Consider a simplified alternative.

    I sat watching the sunset on the beach. Kevin took the bar stool beside me. I knew he would be content to sit and look at my breast as long as I didn't catch him.

    Let the reader fill in the unimportant details. Give them a chance to paint the scene.

    Good Luck

  5. #5
    Thanks guys

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  6. #6

    I remember sitting on the bar stool at the coffee shop, it was made of wood
    I call it putting the things together that go together, it is not the shop that is wooden, so put 'wooden' next to the stool, then you can put the windows with the coffee shop.

    Use semicolons when you are repeating something; giving your readers an example (See what I just did?) I would make that a full stop and lose 'and'; you are moving from the setting to the people in it.
    Visit my website to read and listen to stories songs and more
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    Piglet's picks. http://www.writingforums.com/threads...Piglet-s-Picks

  7. #7
    Here is my humble friendly assistence with this piece. It's only of a suggestive nature:

    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    I remember sitting on the bar stool at the coffee shop, it was made of wood (you should have mentioned the coffee shop before the wooden stool). The windows were rectangular with a beautiful view of the sunset at the beach; and I was drinking my third cup with Kevin, my partner from the lawfirm who happened to join me. (the word ''rectangular'' doesn't sound well in combination ''with a beautiful sunset at the beach'')

    I always can tell when he gets anxious, it's usually when it's too long of a cigarette break. That's when he starts creating excuses, anything to go outside and smoke. He kept insisting on dropping his eyes to gaze at my very large breasts-- in the moments he thought I wasn’t looking. (this paragraph sounds good to me, although you could have put in a greater effort with the wording)

    I put a cigarette in between my lips and he immediately pulled out his lighter from the inside pocket of his brown blazer. We went outside on the sidewalk with the sandy beach across the road. Kevin wasn’t the most handsome man in the room but he certainly had style. His broad physique looked really nice in his clothes, and I use to always dream about seeing him without a shirt. He had the kind of arms that can make a girl say yes.(you mention brown blazer, i.e. color, yet you aren't consistent; you should mention color more often)

    I wanted him to take me away from this place, to take me away from the firm, away from the courtrooms, but what I really wanted was for him to take me away from my life. The first time we met was right here on this old piece of pavement, we were dressed in our business attires as usual, and I never went anywhere without my favorite lipsticks. Kevin was always nice enough to light my cigarettes, but when we first met he had the appearance of a wounded dog, three years has pass since then-- and yet he still has that same beat up and defeated look.(you seem to be a knowledgeable person when it comes to womes' psychology; this is what I like about this piece)

    “You going to smoke your cigarette or just stare at my face all day?” he said. *Kevin is a man of class like my father who's family are descendants in a long line of aristocrats.

    My father always fancied the piano and he would warm my mother with a dance by the fireplace, that was one of his favorite pastimes during those cold winter nights at our family cabin in wyoming. I was the only child so my mother always bought me lots of dolls to play with, but when I became more of a teenage girl-- well, you see, I was getting more attention from all the boys at school. (above is the way I'd word it)

    They (couldn't manage to find any other other girl to whistle but me) whenever I walked by, but during his last years of living my father and I were intimately close. I forgot to make room for any other boy in my heart. Then one night I met up with kevin at a downtown hollywood party, where he offered to buy me a drink. (the above is how I'd word it)

    When I awoke several hours later in a single bedroom apartment, I was laying on the couch in his shirt, while he was standing in the kitchen adjacent to me making breakfast. Although we work together, we barely spoke to each other after that.(seems a good lover, this Kevin, lol)

    Instead we spent our times avoiding each other and kept our past interaction a secret. Now here we are standing on the outside of the same coffee shop. I took a few puffs and responded, (you've done a nice job, combining past and present in this paragraph)
    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post

    “It's not everyday you offer to help me.” He only smirked at my remark but for me it was enough. It was a start.

    “Listen we need to take care of the Billy Green case,” he replied.

    “It's always business before pleasure with you.” *

    After our talk I watched him walk down the street into his black sports car which he then pulled around and parked next to me. I got inside and we drove off into the sunset.

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk
    This is a good piece, but if we take a look at the bigger picture, you should have put a bit more effort in composing this work.
    Last edited by w.riter; May 20th, 2017 at 11:27 AM.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    [SIZE=2]Here is my humble friendly assistence with this piece. It's only of a suggestive nature:



    This is a good piece, but if we take a look at the bigger picture, you should have put a bit more effort in composing this work.
    Yes I comepletely agree that my work desperately needs more careful observations by me, but I am making less and less mistakes now, and I can't wait to post my next thread. I hope you get to read and critque

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  9. #9
    I 'll sure do that. Good luck

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