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Thread: Short Fiction Beginning (420 words)

  1. #11
    I think you have a lot to offer here. You have some very vivid and intense descriptions that are a strong point. I think you just need to pace yourself a little more. Maybe lean back a little and slowly bring your story to the forefront while not info-dumping too much on the reader at the same time. However, I do think you have a good basis to work with.

    Keep on writing and thanks for sharing!
    Carpe Diem.

  2. #12
    Member Absolem's Avatar
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    I thought it was pretty cool. I was engaged. Who's to say its an info dump without any reference to anything? You don't know how the story turns out.
    "Love your enemies." - Jesus

  3. #13
    Some really insightful critique that I am taking on board myself.

    To the writer: There's nothing to be said, that hasn't already been said. I'd just like to say that I think you could have the basis of quite a powerful and compelling piece and I look forward to seeing where it goes!

    Just to offer a different POV - I quite like reading about dreams in stories. This early on in the story it has me questioning whether it will be relevant in the future. Maybe it indicates the character is a little, psychologically messed up...maybe it doesn't. It has me thinking thought.

    Of course, if it's not relevant in the future...then I see where the other comments came from.

    JB

  4. #14
    In my opinion a lot of your sentences are too long. Run ons really. Maybe a little editing would help.

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Burkholder View Post
    Apert isnít one of those well known health problems that has fund drives, pink ribbon bumper stickers and awareness 4Ks. People only organize awareness events for the cool kid disorders. Otherwise, no one would show up.
    I really felt this. Great write, Burk. Like bdcharles said, I think you could definitely back up a step and give the reader more of the backstory so they're able to both relate to the story/connect better and understand the situation at hand. Other than that, great start.

    Joey

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