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Thread: cafe (language) 650 words.

  1. #1
    WF Veteran Kevin's Avatar
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    cafe (language) 650 words.

    Well...I missed the lm deadline by 2 hrs and 15 mins (big dummy) so here it is....
    --------------------------------------


    “Sooo…what’ll it be today?”


    “Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you read me ‘the Specials’.

    “Frank, you’ve been coming here for fifteen-years. You know damn well what every special is that we ever had.”

    “Dory, I just love to hear your voice. In fact, I’d love hear your voice singing, you know,
    love-hymns, every day.”

    “That’s great, Frank. I hear you…everyday. Now how about you order your two eggs, sunny-side up, with a side-a-hash browns, white toast?”

    “Oh… I could go for a little brown…maybe even some pumpernickel.”

    “Let me go get your coffee…black.”

    “ I like a gal with spunk.”

    “Frank, you couldn’t handle my spunk.”

    “…but I’d love to try.”

    * * *

    “Frank still at it?”

    “You know, it’s amazing. My ex, he used to pester me…always poke-poke. I don’t miss that.”

    “They say he has money.”

    “That is silly waitress-talk and you are too old, and not cold enough to follow through on something like that.”

    “You’re too old…and I bet he is, too. Ask him if takes those pills.”

    “Ask him yourself, if you’re so interested. Hmm? That’s what I thought. You could never do that, and neither could I.”

    “A steady gig as a…”

    “’For money?’ I know you…besides, we’re both too old.”

    “You know he loves you. He don’t ask for me.”

    “‘Love’? If that’s what you want to call it.”

    “That’s what my achin’ leg-worms would like to call it. Doctor said: ‘Stay off your feet.’ Great advice. I told him if he kept me on the side I’d stay off my feet all day. I told him I’d keep my legs elevated for as long as he wanted.”

    “You did not. Oh, he is a handsome one. Now him I might consider…”

    “You see? What’s wrong with Frank?”

    “Please, look at him, and just forget it…and grab me that toast.”

    “Honey, you are right: You not getting any younger.”

    * * *

    The dirt wind blows…used to be dark layers, residues of a thousand-million tire-wears, car exhausts, never settled; tumbled. Vehicles racing by, going somewhere else, trying to get there quick. The wind blows soil, sand…

    It was a good location, a ‘thoroughfare’. They stopped at the filling station, got their gas. Some of them, enough, came to the dinner, ate their breakfasts, lunches and dinners, before continuing on. Was a major highway, but somewhere up the ladder, a commission; a department…changed all that. The ‘re-route’ happened. Progress.

    Off the path then, out of the way…hidden.

    The dry wind blows and occasionally a residue, either lost or an escapee, blows in.

    * * *

    “Dory, did I ever tell you…”

    “What’s that, Frank?”

    “Nothing.”

    “So? Why are you looking at me like that? ”

    “Sorry.”

    “For what?”

    “Dory…I’ll be gone awhile, out of your hair.”

    “Family?”

    “No… an appointment…somewhere. Thank you, Dory. Thank you.”

    “For what, Frank? You feeling okay? I haven’t brought your food yet.”

    * * *

    “This doesn’t happen.”

    “It did happen. It happened big. And that’s a big check.”

    “There are other accounts, too, investments… all of it to me. It’s crazy; he was crazy.”

    “Geesus, I told you . No family, huh? Girl, that’s enough to retire, ten times, and you didn’t even have to marry him.”

    “Why’d he do it? “

    “ I told you: He loved you. Shit! I guess he really did. What are you cryin for? He shoulda loved me.”

    “ He was nicer to me than my ex. Didn’t even know his last name…”

    “ I’d say he was. Damn, girl. He was a whole lot nicer. Never had to leave town and hide out.”

    “I should have married him.”

    “Brought him his breakfast every morning. Looks to me like he was happy enough with the way things was. You were a whole lot nicer than I might a been. Damn. I shoulda been more nice. ”
    Last edited by Kevin; January 15th, 2014 at 02:30 AM.

  2. #2
    Frankie and Dory...she got the money and then said, "I should have married him."........I'm crossed between irony and regret with this.
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  3. #3
    Nice short story and an interesting topic as I think this sort of thing in one form or another happens in the real world more often than most think (minus the big check at the end). The description lines between the dialogue are good and paint a good mental picture.

  4. #4
    WF Veteran Kevin's Avatar
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    thanks for the read, guys.
    e- 'Frankie and Dory...sounds good. like something.
    allenasm- the check is pretty make-believe. I worried that the description was too...purple(?)
    Last edited by Kevin; January 22nd, 2014 at 04:36 PM.

  5. #5
    Well done Kevin. Not exactly flash fiction but short and complete with all the loose ends tied up. Good twist at the end. And I have never seen a better use of ellipses. Have no idea how you are supposed to use them but I liked the way you used them. I get the feeling most editors consider them to be a bit like exclamation marks: you are allowed only two in your entire writing life...!

  6. #6
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    Personally, although I found the story to be pretty straight forward, I'm not sure that I really care about the main characters as you've presented them. They have some banter with one another, but if Dory isn't attracted to Frank, then it's actually just a poor old man being delusional. The aside which described the current state of the diner felt a little jumbled, mostly due to the fact that much of it was in sentence fragments.

    The idea behind the story is intriguing enough that I read through to the end, but I suppose the staccato nature of the story left an impression that there could have been more.

  7. #7
    WF Veteran Kevin's Avatar
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    Thanks for the read, Nate. All your points are well taken. I was hoping that Dory was not open to Frank more because of her recent past, and that Frank not more 'alluring' because... well, maybe he's just not so good at that sort of thing. And then he runs out of time. Course I didn't say any of that. Heh
    the diner description- definitely fragmented. Me getting 'artsy' I guess. Don't know if it worked, but I was thinking of it as a contrast to the dialog; two styles. At a 650 word limit it probably wouldn't win any popularity contest, I know, but also it wouldn't become too tedious. Just guesses... what do I know?

  8. #8
    While I am not a serious fan of romance, I can say that the characters aren't fleshed out enough. I didn't really care by the end if they got together or not.

  9. #9
    It seems to me as if you've written this piece after having it recorded. It has such a ''taste'' of reality in it, it feels as if the reader is at the diner themselves. It is clear that there is no chemistry between the characters, but it still is a good romance...

  10. #10
    WF Veteran Kevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by w.riter View Post
    It seems to me as if you've written this piece after having it recorded. It has such a ''taste'' of reality in it, it feels as if the reader is at the diner themselves. It is clear that there is no chemistry between the characters, but it still is a good romance...
    man... this is an oldy. I think 50% hate it, 50% like. I'm still okay with the dialog. I wonder if 15 years a waitress is too long? I guess maybe it happens. Reading it I'm still sad for both of them: alone.

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