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Thread: How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

  1. #1

    How about sharing some of your favourite jokes? [Objectionable Content Warning]

    To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

    Moshe was visiting a cemetery. Wandering around he finally came to a magnificent mausoleum that had been made of shiny black marble. The inscription above the doorway, inlaid in gold, said ‘Rothchild’.

    ‘WOW!’ exclaimed Moshe. ‘Now, that’s what I call living.’


    I am not Jewish myself but I like Jewish humour, probably better than any other kind.
    Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.





  2. #2
    Member beanlord56's Avatar
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    How fitting that you make this thread.

    There were these three guys, a drunk, a filthy rich, and a gay, and they all went to Hell at the same time. Satan walked up to them and said, "I think I'm going to give you three a second chance.But only if you," He pointed to the drunk. "Don't take a another drop of alcohol, you don't take another penny, and you don't have sex." The three guys agreed, and before they knew it, they were back on Earth. They were walking down the street together when they passed a bar. "I can't take it anymore." The drunk said. He walks into the bar, and goes to Hell. So the rich and the gay are left walking down the street. The rich looks down and sees a penny. "I can't take it anymore." He said. He bent over to pick up the penny, and the gay went to Hell.

  3. #3
    An invisible man married an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  4. #4
    Member Bluesman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
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    Manchester , England.
    Posts
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    "My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I will be buried at sea.'"

    My wife said she would die for me , she lied.
    In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird that sings.
    Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven.

  5. #5
    A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the complaint: ‘Doctor, I think I’m going crazy. I keep imagining I am a zebra. Each time I look at myself in the mirror I see my entire body covered with black stripes.’

    ‘Calm down. You are not a zebra,’ the doctor reassures the man. Go home, take these pills and get a good night’s rest. I’m sure the black stripes will disappear.’

    The man does as he is told, but the next day he is back at the doctor’s. ‘Doctor,’ he says, ‘the black stripes have disappeared. I feel great! Now, have you anything for the white stripes?’
    Last edited by Courtjester; September 4th, 2011 at 11:07 AM.
    Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.





  6. #6
    A short skinny Jew walks into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the skeptical foreman, he chops down a towering oak tree in 90 seconds.

    ‘Wow! Where’d you learn to do that?’ the foreman asks.

    ‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replies.

    ‘Do you mean the Sahara Desert?’ queries the foreman.

    The little Jew looks him in the eye and says: ‘Sure, now it’s a desert.’
    Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustn’t sigh and you mustn’t cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.





  7. #7
    Here's one.

    A neutron walked into the bar and ordered a glass of beer. After drinking the beer, he asked how much will the beer cost him. The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."



    "Our choices always matter to someone, somewhere." - Daud, Dishonored: The Knife of Dunwall

    Follow me on Twitter

  8. #8
    Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?*

    Cos the parrots-eat-em-al. (you have to say it out loud)*

  9. #9
    What is the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

    A leak
    I write to get it right

    Take a look at more of my art and writing at: www.hopesandfears.co.uk

    Or follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Outsider_Drake

  10. #10
    Member Bluesman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Manchester , England.
    Posts
    400
    So, these two antennas were getting married.
    The wedding was great, but the reception was terrible!
    In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird that sings.
    Sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven.

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