Thread: Old Jack

Old Jack was a cross-eyed and crooked-legged
hook-nosed gent who daily begged
for his bread while holding a flask of gin
which he poured often into his toothless grin.

The polished and proper passers-by
never lowered to him a caring eye
for their nostrils gave them sufficient vision
that the old chap was worthy of their derision.

Until a little gold-haired girl,
a dainty thing in lace and pearl,
came bouncing along one Sunday in June
right past Old Jack who was whistling a tune.

She released the hand of her mother dear
and ran back to Jack without a fear.
She had with her a nickel she had thought to bring
for the offering basket at Christ the King.

After placing the coin upon Jack's knee,
she smiled at him quite prettily.
"I like your whistling," she said to the man,
then back to her mother's side she ran.

As they walked away, the child smiled back again.
And Jack, holding the coin, beamed his toothless grin.

From the mouths of babes, todd. I'm a sucker for these kind of poems, love them! Happy endings warm my heart. Nicely done!

Do you have like... a collection or something? I'm loving your work.

Blessed be the children, the most inspirational teachers of life always. Your piece captures very well that notion, along with encouraging kindness, making it a most welcome piece in my opinion.

I'd shorten some lines/tighten the rhythm here and there, but besides that your rhymes come together joyously, just maybe except from stanza 5, it seems a little more uncared for compared to the rest. Like placing a coin on a knee is a bit strange, and suddenly changing "Jack" to "the man" seems a bit too forced to fit the rhyme.

Some nitpicking suggestions to consider for the sake of rhythm:

L4 which he'd pour with a toothless grin
L6 never lowered him a caring eye
L7 for their nostrils gave sufficient vision
L8 an old chap only worthy of derision
L12 right past Old Jack whistling a tune
L17 As they walked away the child smiled again.
L18 and Jack with the coin beamed his toothless grin.

Originally Posted by toddm

Old Jack was a cross-eyed and crooked-legged 11
hook-nosed gent who daily begged 7
for his bread while holding a flask of gin 10
which he poured often into his toothless grin. 12

The polished and proper passers-by 9
never lowered to him a caring eye 10
for their nostrils gave them sufficient vision 11
that the old chap was worthy of their derision. 12

Until a little gold-haired girl, 8
a dainty thing in lace and pearl, 8
came bouncing along one Sunday in June 10
right past Old Jack who was whistling a tune. 10

She released the hand of her mother dear 10
and ran back to Jack without a fear. 9
She had with her a nickel she had thought to bring 12
for the offering basket at Christ the King. 11

After placing the coin upon Jack's knee, 10
she smiled at him quite prettily. 8
"I like your whistling," she said to the man, 11
then back to her mother's side she ran. 9

As they walked away, the child smiled back again. 10
And Jack, holding the coin, beamed his toothless grin. 11

I've marked off the beats in this poem. I agree with Martin that the rhythm could be improved. My suggestion would be to aim at a consistent beat for each line or for alternate lines. The suggestions already made repeat the error rather than correct it so it would probably be better if you went through this yourself and tightened it up.

It's a good poem and I hope you find this helpful.

I agree, this poem would work particularly well around some fixed beat or meter scheme. My suggestions were merely what I found more phonetically pleasing still in free form...

Thanks Gumby, glad it warmed your heart : )

Martin, I'm also glad you liked it and thanks so much for your time and your constructive feedback:

Originally Posted by Martin

I'd shorten some lines/tighten the rhythm here and there, but besides that your rhymes come together joyously, just maybe except from stanza 5, it seems a little more uncared for compared to the rest. Like placing a coin on a knee is a bit strange, and suddenly changing "Jack" to "the man" seems a bit too forced to fit the rhyme. I agree that the placing the coin on the knee is a bit unusual, but it is not wholly unrealistic given the young age of the child and the man sitting there with hands occupied with gin bottle, cane and what-not; she sort of surprises him with the nickel by just laying it down and talking, instead of holding it out to him waiting for him to take it - it makes for a different moment - I could say, "laid it on the bench", but that wouldn't rhyme would it? seriously though, I will see if I can come up with an alternative.

Regarding the change to "the man", it seems to me indicative that she sees him as a real human being worthy of attention and not a piece of scum worthy of derision like the rest - but it does suit the rhyme too : )

Some nitpicking suggestions to consider for the sake of rhythm: thanks for these

L4 which he'd pour with a toothless grin I really want to retain the image of him pouring the gin into his mouth/grin
L6 never lowered him a caring eye maybe, but "lowered to him" sounds more natural
L7 for their nostrils gave sufficient vision if I need to cut a syllable this could work
L8 an old chap only worthy of derision perhaps, but not sure this one helps
L12 right past Old Jack whistling a tune this seems to confuse which one was actually whistling, the girl or man?
L17 As they walked away the child smiled again. I really struggled with these last two lines - originally this line and the next were quite long, something like "As they walked away, the girl turned and smiled back at him again" - the meaning and image was very clear, but it was way too long - so I've already cut it back a great deal -
I want to retain the image of her "smiling back at him" - simply "the child smiled again" leaves her back turned to him smiling and walking away...I wanted them to connect one last time.
L18 and Jack with the coin beamed his toothless grin. this line, like I said, was originally longer: "And Jack, holding up the coin, beamed back at her with his toothless grin" I cut it down to the bare minimum, because I wanted him holding the coin in his hand (and not the flask of gin) - I really liked the idea of him holding it "up" as if thanking her, but cut that little beat out for the sake of rhythm

Baron, I also very much appreciate your advice - honestly, although I've written poetry for years, I have never been a "syllable counter" (and you may say "I can tell!"), but I go with what sounds good - some of my more polished rhyming couplet pieces I've posted a year or so back, for example "out along the silver stream" or "In a marvelous way the world is changed", I went with what sounded fluid and natural, with exact rhymes, and what makes clear sense - those may be off too if the exact beats are counted, I don't know.
I know that I must count beats, though, to progress - especially for these structured rhyming pieces

I'm not sure how you are counting, and I may be doing it wrong, since, for example, I count 10 beats in line 1, and you count 11:

1.......2.....3....4...5........6.....7.......8... 9.....10
Old Jack was a cross-eyed and crooked-legged 11

To me it matters how it is actually read, the stress, the inflection - I may read it a certain way and it flows well, but then someone else may stress things differently, pause in different places etc and it sounds off - I need to work on the rhythm, line length, punctuation etc so that it reads good to others and to me - but I don't want to sacrifice the details and nuances I've worked hard on - it's a puzzle to be sure, a shell-game, shifting things around to fit an exact measured beat.

I will work on it though, using the suggestions put forth here - its what it's all about here, learning, stretching - thanks!
---todd

Thanks for the detailed counter-response, it's nice to hear you have put effort into so many details. I think those details you have cared for however, are of a kind that will/should appear naturally as imagery upon reading, even without having them spelled out. In general, leaving lines a bit abstract can often give more food for thought and imagining in a reader's mind.

Cheers,

Todd--you brilliantly captured the innocence of the moment, and the pure nonjudgmental nature of the child. Well done! Peace my friend...Jul

Originally Posted by Firemajic

Todd--you brilliantly captured the innocence of the moment, and the pure nonjudgmental nature of the child. Well done! Peace my friend...Jul

thanks Jul