Thread: There's A Fly In My Soup (Autumn Leaves)

There's A Fly In My Soup (Autumn Leaves)

I smell the autumn air,
Some twigs laying bare.
With the sound of the crow,
They're calling for snow.


Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.


Leaves fall like honey,
The skies, they are sunny,
Acorns on the path,
Await winter's wrath.


Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.


While all appears calm,
With the smell of lip balm,
There's a chill in the air.
Feeling the old man's stare.


Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.


The Trees are a colorful sight,
Their leaves so vibrant and bright.
Soon it must be,
That the birds have to flee.


Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

__________________________________________________ ____

I was hoping to capture that uneasy feeling that the transitional
phase of autumn brings. While it's my favorite time of the year,
there's this queasy feeling that grows as time goes by and it
gets colder.

Enjoy... JRB

This piece has some nice moments, and provides some nice images - a few suggestions, which you can take or leave: : )

Originally Posted by JRBurgher

There's A Fly In My Soup (Autumn Leaves)

I catch the scent of autumn air,
and step on twigs lying bare.
In my ear is the cackle of a crow,
He is calling, calling for snow.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Leaves fall like honey, I love this line
The skies, they are sunny, but this line, not so much - maybe edit to something like "Across a sky still sunny" to connect it to the previous line - but honestly "sunny" is a bit of a childish adjective, which may fit some pieces, but not this one
Acorns on the path,
Await winter's wrath. nice couplet

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

While all appears calm,
With the smell of lip balm,
There's a chill in the air. I would delete the period here
Feeling the old man's stare. (Old Man Winter I presume?)

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

The trees are a vibrant sight,
With leaves so colorful and bright. I switched the adjectives here, but these lines still need something else - and also need to lose the "so" - those two letters often bring down the tone of a piece, as they do here
Very soon it must be,
That the birds have to flee.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. I may be missing something obvious, but I didn't get the connection between the beautiful lines on nature and the joke about the fly in the soup...

A good piece, with good bones - please forgive my extensive edits, I got a little carried away perhaps - just trying to offer helpful suggestions : )

One thought that might give the piece a bit of umph, so to speak, is to allude to idea that the leaves are dying but in dying have become vibrant and colorful - and the crow is calling out in mourning...just a thought - If you don't use it, I will

---todd

Wow, Todd. You have captured what I envisioned perfectly. The more I read your suggestions, the more I felt my poem come alive!

I guess I meant to convey that something was wrong with the beautiful autumn scene, like a beautiful lobster bisque ruined by a fly. I may need to re-think that part. I particularly liked the double meaning with the Autumn Leaves part of the title.

I did mean Old Man Winter (as you guessed correctly), but that is kind of cliche also. I'm going to work on this poem some more, and I promise to credit your extensive input.

I really appreciate you for looking at my work. I am also left in awe at your talent.

JRB

I enjoyed this one, JR and todds suggestions are great, too. I think the piece has a good pace and rhythm, but for me this line didn't scan right:

While all appears calm,
With the smell of lip balm,
There's a chill in the air.
Feeling the old man's stare.

the word 'feeling' seems to throw off the rhythm.

I struggled with that also, Gumby. I think I might re-write that whole line, especially as an attempt to avoid the cliche of Old Man Winter.

I must respectfully disagree with Todd..[ and I am a huge fan of his stellar poetry] I get the line "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup"...Fall is so gorgeous, but as the writer said--it leaves him feeling queasy.Knowing that winter is coming, sort of spoils the beauty of Autumn--sort of the death knell ..summer dying and all...Great writing--and so clever to use that line in that quirky way--so clever! Well done! Todd, as always has wonderful advice on ways to polish a gem. Peace...Jul

Originally Posted by Firemajic

I must respectfully disagree with Todd..[ and I am a huge fan of his stellar poetry] I get the line "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup"...Fall is so gorgeous, but as the writer said--it leaves him feeling queasy.Knowing that winter is coming, sort of spoils the beauty of Autumn--sort of the death knell ..summer dying and all...

I guess it's how one views Autumn - Personally, it is my favorite season, and the hints of Winter's arrival only bring me joy, for I love all that Winter brings too - I suppose I don't see a "fly in the soup" : )

---todd

More like a York**® Peppermint Patty in your soup then! That would also make for a good opposite poem...

Winter's breath tingles like a York Peppermint Patty
As morning dew gives way to frost.

Something like that, anyway.

JRB