Thread: Liquid Phobia

On the beaches of Half Moon Bay
we watched our children play,
soon they spotted a sea otter
out on the ice-cold water.

Cautiously, we approached the ocean
using pantomime motions,
when suddenly I began to flee
as intense fear grasped me.

Watching the rising of the waves
brought memories of lives not saved,
Sadly my phobia won,
I disappointed my little ones.

Loved it Cindy. Only one line that I would change.

when suddenly I began to flee

This line doesn't sound right to me, though I can't pin point the why of it. Something like this maybe:

I felt a sudden urge to flee ---- this scans better for me, but it may only be my preference

Anyways, good work!

Originally Posted by Gumby

Loved it Cindy. Only one line that I would change.

This line doesn't sound right to me, though I can't pin point the why of it. Something like this maybe:

I felt a sudden urge to flee ---- this scans better for me, but it may only be my preference

Anyways, good work!

Now that you mention it, your line does sound better. Thanks, Gumby! I'll go with it.

On the beaches of Half Moon Bay
we watched our children play,
soon they spotted a sea otter
out on the ice-cold water.

Cautiously, we approached the ocean
using pantomime motions,
I felt a sudden urge to flee
as intense fear grasped me.

Watching the rising of the waves
brought memories of lives not saved,
Sadly my phobia won,
I disappointed my little ones.

Very nicely executed, Cindy, I could see the scene quite clearly. Loved your use of pantomime and think the minor edit works well. Much enjoyed, love, well done.

How about..

"I felt the urge to flee
as intense fear grasped me"

That would make both lines six syllables. The very last two lines in the poem have 6 and 9 syllables, making them bulky. I'm not preaching perfect syllable structure necessarily, but it feels like trying to navigate a speed bump in a low-rider car.

I like the theme and the imagery. It sounds like you have some great memories to share.

JRB

Thank-you, Lisa.

Thank-you, Lisa.

And JRB,

I will leave

I felt a sudden urge to flee
as intense fear grasped me

as it better explains how suddenly the phobia empowered me.

And the last two line are bulky, so how does this sound?:

Sadly, my sea phobia won
I frustrated my little ones.

I love the new last lines.

I like it too, Lisa. Thanks for sharing the story with us.